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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if this means a friend just really isn't that fussed about you?

15 replies

Planejane34 · 01/03/2025 08:15

Friend lives 30 miles away atm, but before that we were 15 miles apart. She and her husband both have a car, I've seen her home several times yet the last time she saw anywhere I lived was 6 years ago.

Been with my boyfriend for 8 months and she's not met him. Virtually never get a text just to ask how I'm doing or anything. If I message her she's nice and friendly. She says she can't venture far from her house because of her 3 year old, but I know this was the case before her daughter came along, she'd never want to travel to see me. There was a time when we only lived about 3 miles apart, shed give me a lift home on occasions which was nice but since then, if I want to see her I have to initiate contact then travel to her.

There's another woman in our friendship group she's closer with. The second woman has a new baby who's around 5 months old. I've said a few times I'd love to meet her baby, I know the first friend has. They're closer, that's fine I understand, but I just feel like I'm wasting my time with this friend.

Should I just stop bothering?

OP posts:
Original poster
Planejane34 · 01/03/2025 08:17

I honestly am speechless when I hear that people have friends they see every week, even every fortnight.

OP posts:
Largestlegocollectionever · 01/03/2025 08:17

I always think it takes two and so match her efforts…… which is sounds like the relationship will slowly fade out and end

See it as making space for someone or something new ⭐️

Original poster
Planejane34 · 01/03/2025 08:19

The last time I saw this person was at a baby shower in October, however the time before that it was April when I travelled to her..

OP posts:
ThimbleT · 01/03/2025 08:20

I’d just let them make the effort and mirror their input into the friendships. If/when you do hear from them, be pleasant and breezy and perhaps agree to meet halfway or at your house if you want to. It’s easy to sidestep any drama in this situation. Let their actions lead the level of contact for a while, and you’ll be clear on where you stand.

Original poster
Planejane34 · 01/03/2025 08:21

I've recently bought somewhere (about 6 months ago) but prior to that I'd often try to arrange BBQs etc. At mine, I'd put dates out there yet an array of excuses (or just no reply) would come out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Planejane34 · 01/03/2025 08:22

ThimbleT · 01/03/2025 08:20

I’d just let them make the effort and mirror their input into the friendships. If/when you do hear from them, be pleasant and breezy and perhaps agree to meet halfway or at your house if you want to. It’s easy to sidestep any drama in this situation. Let their actions lead the level of contact for a while, and you’ll be clear on where you stand.

Thanks, I've stopped contacting her and she's not got in touch. Hell will freeze over before she travels to my home 😂

OP posts:
BananaBubbless · 01/03/2025 08:23

Drop the effort and you’re unlikely to hear from her or see her. I would drop her.

Original poster
Planejane34 · 01/03/2025 08:23

Ha...just looked at her social media and her and her husband have just had a romantic weekend at a hotel not far from where I live..so she can come round here when it suits her.

OP posts:
BananaBubbless · 01/03/2025 08:24

Unfollow, block, move on. I’m surprised you haven’t already if she ignores you anyway.

Eldermilleniallyogii · 01/03/2025 08:26

I agree with PPs who say match the effort but apart from in some circumstances (for example I have one friend who lives miles away and has A LOT on) I would think they are not that bothered about seeing you. Being very honest, there are people who I wouldn't want to travel to see but other friends I'll always make the time for.

Eldermilleniallyogii · 01/03/2025 08:26

Also I'm finding I don't like the "how are you" texts as I find them hard work and so some people don't do this but will respond well when you can't them

Lifestooshort71 · 01/03/2025 08:32

It sounds as though, for her, the friendship has fizzled out and you've not read the signs. Imagine if a post on here had been written by her and what it might have said regarding the situation? Don't bother blocking her as you never hear from her anyway but just let it go - she's tried to be kind but it hasn't worked. You sound a lovely caring friend by the way!

Hdjdb42 · 01/03/2025 08:41

30 miles is quite far for a catch up. I used to commute 22 miles (1.5 hour journey because of traffic) for work for 8 years. Whenever they'd suggest a meet up. I just couldn't face the journey again. Could you suggest a meeting spot halfway? A cinema or restaurant to catch up? That might work. If she still doesn't want to, I'd knock your friendship on the head. Focus on making local friends from hobby/activity groups.

Original poster
Planejane34 · 01/03/2025 08:56

Hdjdb42 · 01/03/2025 08:41

30 miles is quite far for a catch up. I used to commute 22 miles (1.5 hour journey because of traffic) for work for 8 years. Whenever they'd suggest a meet up. I just couldn't face the journey again. Could you suggest a meeting spot halfway? A cinema or restaurant to catch up? That might work. If she still doesn't want to, I'd knock your friendship on the head. Focus on making local friends from hobby/activity groups.

Edited

Tried a halfway point several times, but no interest sadly. It's theirs or nothing apparently.

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 01/03/2025 10:02

@Largestlegocollectionever is spot on.

She seems to have had little interest in your friendship for quite some time. It’s sad but you will feel better if you just accept it’s over and move on. Checking FB to see what she’s been doing is a bit self torturing (and a bit stalkerish). Let it go

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