Can’t do this anymore-relationship with my mom

[Twocrazycats]

My mom has always been a difficult person and our relationship has been rocky to the say the least. She’s struggled with anxiety and depression since before I was born, but I think there’s something more to it (probably some sort of personality disorder). As a child and teenager she used to blame me for most of the problems at home, saying that I was manipulative, too strong willed and that I just wanted to “win” and overpower her. She’s also been pretty disengaged emotionally from me, she doesn’t like when people are upset and tends to shut them down (for example saying “please don’t cry, you are making me sad). As a result I’ve had my own share of mental health issues but after many years of therapy was in a better place. 4 years ago my child was born, she retired and my grandmother (her mother in law) became ill, and it all has gone downhill since then. She got obsessed with the idea that my grandmother had to be put in a care home and my dad should not take care of her, as she hated her and (her own words) “I want her to suffer snd cry as I have”. Maybe it’s worth mentioning that she didn’t have to do any of the care, she just didn’t want him to do it either. Also worth mentioning that when her mother was ill (Alzheimer) she lived with them for a few years and my dad took care of her, until my mom said she couldn’t do it anymore and they found a couple of persons to take care of her at her own home.This all happened when we were visiting in the summer with my newborn, so I spent most of the time trying to make her feel better, talk to her and so on. During all this time she didn’t help or talk to me (about something different to “her pain”) at all, didn’t even held or pay attention to my baby. Finally we left earlier that what was initially scheduled because I overheard her complaining about my husband and me, saying that we were taking advantage of her. We weren’t , she didn’t have to do anything extra (cooking, cleaning of anything at all), but she tends to get really stressed when there are visitors. Also worth mentioning she had asked us to come, saying she would help me with the baby, as she was looking forward to having a grandchild.

She then became really abusive to my dad because he didn’t put his mother in a care home, think yelling, insulting, etc. finally, his mother died and the day after the funeral she threw a terrible fit at him (my brother was present, said it was awful). A few days after that said she wanted to leave him, but my dad agreed and she didn’t like that. Fast forward to today, they are divorced now, and since the divorce she has become way worse with me: hurtful comments, laughing at me when my child gives me a hard time (just the normal tantrums, but it can be draining) because now “I can see how she felt”, total lack of interest in my life and well being, every time I talk to her she says that she’s the worst she’s ever been, has mentioned suicide a couple of times, tries to manipulate me to get information about my dad…the list could go on, but when I interact with her I feel not only not loved, but actually hated sometimes, like she wants to actively hurt me. I don’t know, maybe I ‘m too sensitive, as she’s always told me, but I just feel I can’t do this anymore, having a relationship with her. Everytime I see her I end up filled of anxiety and crying. Last one was today, I came to see her (5 hour travel) for her birthday. We were chatting and I made a joke about my brother being the favorite (he’s always been, even he acknowledges that and I’m fine with it). My mom then started to talk about how great it is to have siblings, my child is an only and recently has been a bit upset about that, so I asked her to change the subject and she said “you don’t get to dictate what I can and cannot talk about, I am free to make whatever comments I want”. Maybe she’s right, I don’t know, but she’s always acting like this, implying (or saying directly) that we all want her to change and we need to love and accept her as she is. Problem is I don’t really like how she is, she’s tactless and even rude. She has not said anything kind about me in years, just laughs at me for being “a disaster”, “weak” and a few other things. Aibu? Am I really that bad as a daughter? Sorry for the long post

I’m sorry to hear about your mum. She sounds like a self absorbed cow. Probably a narcissist. She may have her reasons but she isn’t adding to your life in a positive way. I would avoid contact with her. Don’t put yourself through this anymore. Luckily she is five hours away. Just become unavailable. And perhaps have some talking therapy or hypnosis to get over all the horrible memories she has left you with. You will feel much better once you make the decision to keep her at arms length. Take back your power. Good luck.

I would also distance myself to protect yourself and give you some peace

Thank you both some much. I just can’t sleep and have been crying for two hours, which seems to be a pattern everytime I see her. But she always makes me doubt and feel like I’m being unfair to her.

She wants to take me and my child tomorrow for lunch, which I have already agreed to but I’m dreading it. The only thing I want to do is to tell her that I’m tired of playing this game and I don’t want any contact for the near future, as I need some space. But last time I tried telling her a (super light) version of this, just saying I was not in a good place and needed some space (didn’t relate it to her) she told people that “now my daughter won’t talk to me either”

Agree about having some therapy for myself, I think I need it

Why does it matter to you so much that your mother will complain about you? If she is as awful as you say, people will know what she is like. In any event, their opinions can’t hurt you if you don’t let them.
You clearly need to protect yourself, and your child, from this very negative relationship. I agree with other posters, you would benefit from being able to talk to a therapist. You need to put some emotional and physical space between you and your mother, and are definitely not being unreasonable.

My mum was a bit like this. I assume some mental health issue/personality disorder. It's not fair to your DH and DC. Stop visiting and keep any other contact to a minimum.

I realised later in life that my mother actually hated me. Enough damage had been done and I went NC/VLC a couple of years ago. It's been bliss. Your relationship with her is optional and you can choose your end of it. She sounds absolutely toxic.

All of this. You don’t owe her a relationship. Cut right back to whatever you’re happy with / feels manageable - one phonecall a fortnight? Nothing? A few WhatsApp photos of GC as and when? - and don’t do more.

You are not responsible for her happiness.

You’re absolutely right that I shouldn’t care about what other think, I don’t know why I do. She’s complete different with other people, though, and presents herself as the perfect mother and grandmother who is being treated unfairly. I know this from past events, where she has told things that are either untrue or very twisted. Anyway, none of these people have any impact in my life so I should not care.

Thank you all for your responses. I too feel sometimes she hates me, even the way she looks at me…sometimes I see pure hate. Even my child told her once that she was scared of how she was looking at her.

I guess I just need to cut or reduce contact even more, and just deal with the guilt of doing so, but can’t help to feel like the worst person ever. I don’t think she really enjoys time with us, as when we visit she usually starts reading, watching tv or doing crotchet and doesn’t want to talk, but I think it’s going to be very harmful for her self image, which is important to her.

My mum isn't as bad as yours but is super emotionally immature, struggles to regulate her emotions, was always overly emotionally dependent on me and we had a super unhealthy relationship. COVID really helped because I realised how different my life was when I had limited interactions with her. I've done loads of work in counselling and put in some really firm boundaries around what I will and won't do and it's made such a difference. I have never talked to my mum about it, because honestly it would make no difference and would only cause greater hurt but reducing contact, being very boundaried with her has been super helpful. For me, I have regular light touch WhatsApp communication now (think pics of her GC, wordle etc), see her every few months with my DH and DD and she sees my DD (who she is very different with) around once a month for a sleepover. What works for you will be very different but work out what it is. The most important thing for me though has been the counselling I've had (and continue to have) to work through it all. I'm now in a place where I am a lot less angry with her and have greater compassion for her, recognise her choices as her own etc and so actually our interactions are easier then they were as I don't walk away with the hurt I used to.

Your mum is abusive towards you. You are not over sensitive. You don't need to see her again to tell her you need space. Just don't see her again. She would love the confrontation, the drama. Imagine the stories she could spin about how badly she was treated. Just slowly drift away without any fuss, don't give her anything.

Therapy would be a great idea, but until you make that step, why not spend some time thinking about how much you're willing to interact with her to balance your wellbeing and your guilt. Not at all is a fine answer. Maybe 2 phone calls a month is your limit. Think about exit strategies for when she becomes rude. "oh mum I've got to go, the postman's at the door". Create your boundaries in your head, but you don't need to communicate them to her.

If you ever wonder if you're the one in the wrong, think about your DC. Can you imagine treating them in this way? Do you want them to endure this abuse from their grandmother? Do you want them to question whether they should accept abusive behaviour?

And don't see her this weekend... I think your DC is a bit under the weather this morning aren't they, you'll have to raincheck... oh but next weekend you have that thing with the girls from work don't you?... Hmm maybe the weekend after DCs friend's birthday party if they're not too tired.. You'll be in touch about it... But don't be

You need therapy and to cut your mother off. From your description of her behaviour over the years, she is cruel, self-centred and narcissistic with no redeeming features. What benefits do you and your child get from continuing to have a relationship with her?

You need to withdraw from her completely. By continually trying to have a relationship with her you are letting her still get to you. I get it's your Mum but she's not acting like a Mum should and sadly she never will. Stop giving her opportunities to hurt you.

Very bluntly: (sorry)

You'll need to accept that you don’t have a proper mum - you never did have and you never will have (I’ve had to accept this about my dad, who is very similar). At this age, there is no possibility of her changing.

You need to limit contact to a level that you can manage, which ultimately is probably very low contact.

I didn’t do this with my dad, as he’s abusive and has been violent in the past, but if you are with her and she starts saying shit like you’re weak or other rubbish like that - you can reply something generic like “that’s inappropriate” and get up and leave.

Any mental health issues that you experience will be a direct result of her not being a loving, caring mother. Sorry.