To never let her see them ever again

[Protectivemummy2025]

I am just wanting some advice on how I can have a life for my children and I where none of us have anything to do with my mum! I stopped speaking to her three years ago and I get filled with so much anxiety at the idea of having any family related events where myself or my children might see her. My brother has recently got engaged and even though he’s not set a date yet I worry about the wedding day where my children and I will be in attendance and she will no doubt try and come over and speak to us all.

I have never had a good relationship with my mother but my other half asked that when we had our eldest that we try and make it work as neither his parents are around, my parents are separated so still have both grandparents on my side. I carried on speaking to my mother and when my eldest was born I could see that she really wanted to right all the wrongs between her and me with my daughter.. a year passed then I had another child who was in and out of hospital for a couple of months so my mother did a lot of looking after my eldest, I see the issues now where she was obsessed with my daughter, like she bought her her first pair of shoes even though we’d said we wanted too.

I ended up needing support and along the way I put blinkers on and I let her take them away and have them overnight even though deep down I wasn’t comfortable..

fast forward to us falling out she had been staying with us whilst she had work done on her house and even though she has always been a heavy drinker, we always thought it was nights out and evenings, it turned out she was drinking during the day and then driving our children around. I felt sick and I instantly stopped the favours of her collecting them and dropping them off, not enough for her to cotton onto, just take my lunch break to go get them instead and things like that.

well she went away with my other sibling and her children then she came back, we don’t drink and there was no alchol in but when she came back she offered to take the children out so we thought safe for her to take them as she’s just got back and not had a drink and she was going to visit a family member who doesn’t drink either.. well surprise surprise she went into the kitchen to pack a snack bag then rushed the children out the door.. I went into the kitchen half an hour after they’d gone and there was an empty wine glass on the side and a new box wine in the fridge.. it was 10AM.

I waited for her to get home and I checked in with the family member throughout the day that she’d not had anything else. She got in that afternoon and poured a glass straight away, I asked her in a funny tone if that was the 1st of the day and had the children been that hard, she replied that it was her first glass and she was going to savour it throughout dinner and I knew then that she would continue lying.

the day of the argument I had been a bit distant but she was still staying with us and she asked me if she could have a word as she thought I had a problem with her and I explained that I had a problem with her drinking and being around the children, she started accusing me of trying to turn the children against her and she said that I didn’t even like the children and that is why I work full time so I don’t have to see them and that I just didn’t want them to love her and that I was trying to steal her money and then she started berating me saying how could I even like myself when I look the way I do so I told her she had to leave and she said she wants going anywhere so I ran out the room to my husband and I told him that he had to tell her to leave.

she did leave that night and we’ve not spoken since and I’ve moved house since so she doesn’t know where I am but she keeps trying to ask family for my address and sneak presents to the children and I am worried that she will locate their school and try to see them/kidnap them which I know sounds dramatic but she can be quite unhinged.

For clarity both my husband and I would count and monitor her glasses and she would have 3 to 5 large glasses of wine a day even whilst she was working.

Ah, if she's drink driving then no

You have every right to keep an alcoholic, who is drinking driving your children about, away.

I don't know what I would do if I found out someone was being so reckless with people's lives.

As for seeing her at weddings and family events just grey rock her. Be polite but cut any conversation short and walk away.

That is the main point of why I never want her near them again, she would drink wine in sports bottles and I told her that she may not believe I love my children but I do and they are the most precious things in the world to me and she put them at risk by even drinking as much as she does and then driving them around.

I think back to times when she’d babysit and even though I never saw her I can imagine she’d drink wine and then look after them which in my head is a big no no. I said to my husband that I know I don’t trust her with them because I can’t tell myself 100% that I trust her to keep them safe or that if the worst came to and we fell out that she wouldn't try something like picking them up from nursery/school and taking off with them.

She would tell my daughter that if she ever fell out with me or if she just wanted to see her that she could just head round to hers and stay.. our previous address she lived in the same town but on the other side. My daughter is only 8 and this would have been when she was 6 as we stopped speaking 2 years ago

The issue I have with seeing her at family events is that I can ignore her but she would try and force herself onto the children. When we first stopped speaking she would come to the house and try and get my husband to let her in, she would tell him that she thought I needed psychiatric help and that together they could help me. When I say that I think she is unhinged.. one example is that she fell out with a friend for different reasons and she cut their face out of the canvas she had up on her wall.

she got hold of a recent picture of them both from a family member and she took a picture of the picture and then plastered their face all over social media explaining how much she loves them and cherishes them.

Don't go to any events where she will be present. Surely your brother knows she's deranged and can't be trusted around your children? He can have her there, or he can have you there, but he can't have both.

That is what worries me my brother is a mummy’s boy and always has been, when my parents split he insisted on staying with her even though she’d had the affair.

with regards to his wedding, he doesn’t have children of his own so he’d probably rather invite her than me and my family as he is not overly close to me or his niece and nephew either.

I don’t mind this as he is my younger brother so I’d rather not put him in the middle and make him choose so if he does invite her and not us then I’d understand.. it would be if he invited us all that my anxiety and the concern for my children would spike

Yanbu. The simple answer is to decline the wedding invitation.

Or leave your dcs with a trusted friend, and you go with your dh. If she approaches you, be polite but cool, and cut any conversations short.

Your dm is an alcoholic, she is ill, but that doesn't mean you have to give her access to your dcs.

Yes, your mother has an addictive illness. Very sad.
Go to the wedding with your husband; polite small talk then walk away. Hire a car so that she doesn't read your number plate.
She loves your children but her illness makes her a danger as a carer. I would take the children but I'd have them leave early, after photos, to be looked after by a baby sitter.

Your mother won't kid nap them, surely.

Give her a framed photo of your children every year, for Xmas, in exchange for her not posting them on social media.

If she were my mother, I would also send her a birthday card from you all wishing her improved health, accompanied with an AA business card and a bottle of top quality non alcoholic wine. It's not your mother but the drink that you are objecting to.
As long as she enjoys being an addict, you have to keep your distance.

It's a pity that she is not trust worthy anough to be honest about her drinking. If so, you could spend time with her and she would never push the boundaries and want to take the children alone with her. And the kids would be safe but grow up knowing that Granny has an illness.

I had a drinking problem and although I didn't drink drive I did hit rock bottom. Never had another drop and its been 20 years. If you want to help her, report her to the police. They can arrange to wait for her to leave her home in the car and then pull her over. Sounds cruel but think it might get her help and how would you feel if she hurt someone as a result of drink driving? I wouldn't let her look after my children.

You are completely right to keep your children away from her after she repeatedly put them in danger.

It's tricky with the wedding. I imagine your eldest would be disappointed if you didn't take her. I would plan to go but stay close to the children to keep any conversation very light. Are there any other family members who know the situation?

I would not make small talk with her or be polite, she is unhinged and regardless of the drinking is a very manipulative person.

When I had my youngest he was in and out of hospital, my mum made a comment which haunts me to this day. My mum lost a little girl when she was 7 months old and my mum said when she was in the hospital with me and I was with my baby that if he died, it would bring us closer together and have us have something to bond over.

I was disgusted and appalled, I never knew my sibling as she would have been older than me, I told her that even though losing him at 2 weeks old would be hard, I think what she went through would feel worse as she was 7 months old.

My whole family know the situation as she text into our sibling group that I had kicked her out for no reason and that she was going to go assemble her friends to come and make me see reason. My brother and sister were on opposite ends, my sister who is 8 years older than me told mum that she didn’t believe her chain of events.

my younger brother who is 3 years younger than me was passing sympathy and was asking me if I was being too harsh and would I reconsider.

I told them that her drink driving with the children in the car was enough for me not to trust her anymore but the things she said to me and the way she verbally attacked me when I told her this was the reason I was a bit frosty was the reason that I did not want her around me anymore as it was bad for my mental health, she has affected my childhood from my teenage years and I wasn’t going to let her affect my ability to be a good mother.

I would go to the wedding without your children, if you say brother isn't too fussed with them I'm sure he would understand and this then takes away the problem of your mother trying to get involved with them. You can then easily ignore your mother without any worry about your children.

It’s not a good idea for a lot of alcoholics to drink alcohol free versions because it leads to drinking the proper stuff and does not help with recovery.

My dad knows the situation too as my mother rang him begging him to speak to me and reconsider, I’ve told him whereas when I was younger he could make me see her, I am an adult now and if she is not good for my mental health, she won’t be good for my children.

I need to show them that if people disrespect you and are cruel to you and if they put the most precious in the world to you in danger then they should not have to be around that person. My children look to me to keep them safe and I kick myself every day that I gave into peer pressure and let her have unlimited access to them and she put them at risk.

I could go to my brother’s wedding without them, his wife is actually quite likely to plan a child free wedding as she isn’t a huge fan of kids and between my older sister and I we have 4 children aged between 7 months and 10, she has 2 boys and I have boy and girl so my daughter is mum’s only granddaughter.

I imagine if my brother’s wife does have a wedding which includes children then my mum will pressure my brother to invite us all so she can get a glimpse of the children.

I could leave and will probably leave them with my sister in law on my husband’s side but I would feel bad that my dad would not get chance to see them as he dotes on them both but I would worry that the whole day she would be trying to snatch them for a few minutes or be taking pictures of them on the sly.

I think it would detract from my brother’s day and I do love him so I would probably tell him this is the reason they aren’t coming and then leave the children so they weren’t put in the middle.

Honestly, families are not worth all this angst.

Your mother put your kids in danger and sounds like an alcoholic madwoman. Your brother will survive if you don't go to his wedding. One of my siblings didn't go to my wedding, for very different reasons, and it really did not matter.

You are under no obligation to see any of them ever again if you don't want to.

Plan something lovely for your children that weekend, explain to your brother why you're not there, then move on.

I know there shouldn’t be so much angst but I don’t want to spend my life worrying about bumping into her at family events, luckily my dad would never invite her to events and he usually hosts but my siblings would and I don’t speak to anyone on my mum’s extended side.

she has siblings but one is violent and drinks a lot and the other does drugs so I don’t want them round me and my children! I’ve not spoken to either of them since I was 16 so before I had my children. My grandma on my mums side used to drink a lot of wine too and would drive around after having drinks but never with us in the car as far as I know but she only stopped when she got too old and she used to berate my dad and his parents for making us snobs and for making us look our noses down on her side of the family, which was not the case at all.