to want DP to come out as a family and not make me feel bad for asking

[Notalone]

DP spends loads of time on his x box / at mates houses and as a result usually goes to bed late. For the past few months I have got up on Saturday mornings with DS, taken him to his swimming lesson, come back, cleaned the house then gone out somewhere with DS leaving DP with the day to himself. Sundays I will occasionally have a lie in then DP will do some cleaning but will generally be n his computer for most of the day again while I do homework with DS, sorting school uniform etc. Whenever I have asked him to spend more time with us he has always said he is tired but in the summer it will be different.

Yesterday we had to go 85 miles each way to see MIL and get the car fixed, so I thought today we could go somewhere nice as a family. I have just woken DP and suggested we pack a picnic and visit a castle / gardens. He has now said that he just wants to chill out at home as he is tired and I should stop pressuring him into going out so already the day is ruined even if he does come. Oh and its our 12 year anniversary today.

AIBU to want to spend time as a family?

of course YANBU! Is there not any way he could compromise?

Why is he so tired? Work or illness, etc?

He works FT but so do I! his job is more physical but I think he is so tired cos he doesn't go to bed at a decent hour. Is always early hours of morning

I can sort of sympathise with him and I can definitely sympathise with you.

Clearly he likes staying at home (as do I -my dh has the same problem getting me to go on day trips) and you like going out.

How about you still did things as a family, barbecue, picnic, games in the garden today as a reasonable compromise. If you're saying he doesn't like family time at all no matter what the venue then it's a pattern he's got into and you need to make it more palateable for him by gradually increasing the time together.

Is a good idea Laurie but if we stay at home then he will sit upstairs on the computer all day. I feel like a single mum most weekends as it is always just me and DS. We are supposed to be going away for a week in july - god knows how he is going to cope without his beloved computer for a whole 7 days!

You mustn't keep letting him get away with it!
You are a family, he's not a single man with no reponsibilities. If he can play xbox into the small hours without it impacting on family life, fair enough, but he's got to cut down if his excuse is he's always tired. I'm sure you are as well, but he'd have to get his finger out if you decided all you could bear to do today was MN

You need a serious talk then, why have you let it go on so long? did he want children?

feeling really sorry for you, what a shitty position to be in, feeling like a single parent in your relationship

Maybe he's addicted to the computer? Maybe keeping a record of the hours he spends and talking to him about it may make him see how much he's away from his family.

Me thinks it is time for his xbox to have a little accident

I have tried talking to him but it just ends up in a row sadly. He was actually the one who wanted kids too - I wanted to hold off for a few years and got pg by accident.

Kimi - I like your suggestion and it has crossed my mind more than once lol

You are right Kazbeth. We went away last year as well for a week and had a lovely x box free week and lots of quality family time, but old habits die hard I guess and I have given up trying most of the time as there seems to be no point. I would rather it was just me and DS rather than have him out under sufferance.

I did however manage to drag him out for a few hours earlier despite his sulking and moaning he was too tired. When we got there he admitted he was glad he came but the second we got back he buggered back off to his mates house Guess I am doing bed time....again

Can you not isolate a time when you do things as a family? With us, it is sunday afternoons... nothing major we'll go to the park, feed the ducks, we've got a season pass for a stately home so we can go there whenever. Or if its raining, we'll play games together. My hubby was a bit like yours, he was reluctant to "join in", but now we have definite family time that we are all clear about, he is a lot happier to participate!

HTH

Notalone, you are definitely NOT ALONE! I think I may have found my DH's long lost brother!!!

i have exactly the same problem. My DH and I used to go out a lot before I had DS and when I had him I assumed that DH would curb his 'partying'...seems that he now wants to live the single life! He goes out drinking on a Friday/Saturday evening and then spends the rest of the weekend at home playing his Xbox or lying in bed.
Most weekends I go out with DS alone and have to spend entire days just doing stuff without him.

We too have argued a lot over it and its come to the point where Dh just thinks Im a nag!

This weekend I put my foot down and said that I want some family time. I told him he was going to do something with us whether he liked it or not. Admittedly I only managed to get him to the garden centre but he admitted he had fun.

Its really tough and I totally understand what you are feeling...but dont give up! I plan on nagging him till I get what I want...which is just to be able to spend a few days here and there as a family. I would like to know that when my DS gets older he won't think of his Dad as the person that sits at home on the computer or TV all day. I think it really hit home when I said that to him.

Good luck my friend. Please know that you are not alone and that Im here too just trying to keep it all together!