Dad’s headstone - add Grandpa

[Pjrunner]

My Dad died almost 7 years ago. I’m aware I haven’t properly grieved for him and haven’t wanted to scatter his ashes. My mum and sister have wanted to scatter them for years in a place where they said he would want. I ended up saying they should go without me because I just didn’t want to go to something which would be so emotional because I just don’t want to open the floodgates (yes I know I need to confront this).

So all my Dad ever wanted was to be a Grandpa. He would’ve been THE BEST. I only had my daughter 3 years ago so we all missed out.

My mum has been to scatter his ashes this week and also put some of him with his parents and sister (she died aged 28). There is no room on the current headstone to add my Dad so my mum is thinking of adding a smaller one with his name and ‘Beloved Husband and Father’. She said she can’t put Grandpa because he wasn’t one when he died. I kind of get this but who makes up this rule? Would it really hurt putting that on? I know it’s a role he would’ve loved and been the best Grandpa to my daughter. I also think it would be nice if I take my daughter to visit there would be a link to her (and any other children I might have).

Am I unreasonable to think it would be nice to add ‘Grandpa’?

I'm so sorry, it is so painful isn't it.

I think you should let your mum lead in this.

Big hug.

I'm sorry for your loss but I agree with your mum on this, and ultimately it is her decision. He wasn't a grandpa. I'm sure he would have been a lovely grandpa but he died before that happened.

I think you're building him not being a grandpa up in your mind and focusing your grief on that because it's easier than letting yourself grieve just for him and you.

I don't think it would make your children feel closer to him. My grandad died before any of us were born and it would have made me feel really odd, as though I ought to be sad about someone I never knew, and then guilty because I didn't.

It could also feel hurtful to your mum and sister as though him being a husband and father wasn't enough to fulfil him.

Leave it. You can say to your dc, he would have been your grandpa and he works this and liked that etc. Make him a real person to them that way rather than trying to bring your grief into their life. Rejoice in what he did do. He was your father and he loved that.

I want to caveat this with the fact that if you were my friend and told me that you and your family had added Grandpa to the gravestone I would think it was lovely and wish you the best. Zero judgment.

However, as you have asked for opinions.
I wouldn’t add Grandpa.
My lovely MiL died when my eldest was two and my youngest was a few weeks old. My now five year old sees MiL as ‘Daddy’s Mummy’ - she doesn’t feel an emotional connection to her and has no memory of her.
Perhaps as she gets older and sees photos, hears stories and sees the clothes that her Nanny made for her she will feel differently. But that is for my daughter to decide.
Similarly, we have one single photo of MiL holding our youngest. The photo is up in our house but youngest isn’t particularly interested.

MiL was a beautiful, amazing woman and was adored by everyone she met and obviously by my husband and I. But, ultimately, our children don’t view her as a Grandparent in the way that they do our surviving parents. It’s awfully, awfully sad but to try and manufacture a relationship with someone they will never meet would feel more for our benefit than theirs.

My FiL died when DH was a child and it wouldn’t cross his mind that his Dad was our children’s Grandad. Not in a meaningful way. It’s awfully sad but an unfortunate reality.

It’s so terribly sad that your Dad didn’t get to be a Grandpa - but he didn’t. Gently, your adding ‘Grandpa’ to the headstone feels another way for you to put off your grief. A way for you not to address the reality and tragedy of the situation.
I’m ever so sorry.

Thankyou for being ever so gentle and kind with your words. I did actually call my best friend and she said exactly what you would’ve said!
but I have taken on board what you and the others have said. Thankyou x

Thankyou all for being so kind. It seems that my mum is right and I certainly won’t push for it. I talk about my Dad to my daughter all the time. I’m just so gutted that she’ll never get to really know herself what a great man he was x I’m going to stop writing now as I get upset everytime I think about it.

This thread has made me tear up! I've been in early labour today and am thinking about the people dear to me my baby won't know. It is really really sad op and I can see why you would long for 'grandpa' to be a reality in some small way.

I'm so sorry for your pain

I'm just wondering if you could look into getting a memorial bench in his favourite place and maybe add 'grandpa' to that?

Or some parks have little memorial plates at the bottom of trees, as part of environmental projects.

I think you'd need to contact your local council.

Could you add "and now Grandpa" with the birth date?
It would be clear it was posthumously. Might tick all boxes.

My Dad is very much talked about as Grandpa with my daughter born 12 years after he died.

He actually has a tree planted in one of the parks where we live as he was leader of the council for a long time and well thought of by the city and all sides of the political spectrum (unheard of I know!). There was a book of condolences for him too but I’ve not been able to bring myself to read it. Or visit the tree. I love that all these things will be there for my daughter to visit and get a glimpse of the great man he was and how important he was to not only me but a whole city! I think a previous poster hit the nail on the head putting ‘Grandpa’ would make it a reality in a small way.
After he died my Mum who knew all my Dad’s passwords couldn’t get into one thing and the security question was ‘your dream job’. We finally worked out the answer…’Grandpa’ 🥺

You and me both! 🥺
Congratulations and good luck! Hope all goes well xxx

I think it's fine- he is her grandfather even though he's not here any more. I never knew my great great grandparents etc but that doesn't change that that's who they were to me

I'm sorry for your loss OP
Have you ever had any emotional support for your loss such as counselling? It sounds like it would be very beneficial for you and I'd seek support via your GP or the various charities which support different losses.

I can understand the want to put grandpa on the headstone, but if the ashes had been laid 4, 5, 6 ago- the wording would have been as was. If you have a 2nd or 3rd child, would you wanted it changed again? If your daughter has a child, would you then add 'great- grand father'? I'm not being mean, just realistic. I'm sorry, but your dad wasn't a grandfather when he died.

I say this as someone who lost my father very suddenly at age 15.

I’m just here to send u a massive hug 🫂 🥰

You’re absolutely right. If it had been before my daughter was born it wouldn’t have occurred to me and I certainly wouldn’t have asked to add ‘Grandpa’ then. I think it’s because it’s only being done now and in my mind he very much is ‘Grandpa’ as he’s talked about as such.

I know I have never really dealt with my grief. I tend to shut it down as soon as I feel myself getting upset because I feel like I would never stop if I started! But I do know it will need addressing as a previous comment said about me bringing my grief into my daughter’s life and I definitely don’t want that!

I think it would be a bit strange, but more importantly than that, if your mother is against it I think this is a time where her wishes take precedence. If your whole family agreed then other people's views wouldn't be relevant - gravestones are primarily for the family, it doesn't matter what others think about the exact accuracy of them.

I'm sure there are lots of other ways you can keep him 'alive' as part of your DC's heritage as they grow up - would your mum (or you, or sibling?) be interested in filling in one of those 'your story' books, for example? (like this)
I'm sure you'd all have lots of great family stories, quotes etc. including him that it would be nice to write down and for your dd to read as she grew up

Or I know people who do things like make someone's old shirt into a teddy bear or blanket? My sister has an old ring of my grandfather's (resized to fit her). Perhaps your mum could hand down one of his favourite books or albums when your dd's a bit older?

I never knew my mum’s dad, he died way before I was born. But she always talked about him, what he was like, things he loved, funny things he would say, the things they both liked and the things they disagreed on, what he used to say to her brothers, what he said when he first met her mum (!), favourite foods etc.
So though I never knew him as a person, he feels alive in my memory, and especially what really is alive for me is how my mum lights up when she talks about him. Just refer to him, bring him into your lives, and let your daughter see how much he meant to you. That’ll do it xxxxx

Sorry for your loss. I feel for you.

That being said - don't add 'Grandpa'... He wasn't a grandpa when he died.

I had a good friend who struggled with the death of her mum. She would do things like put a shrine of her mother in her little child's bedroom and encourage the child to kiss the photo and would cry whilst he did it. She frequently took him to her mother's grave and would encourage him to talk to her. It was quite heavy stuff. And the best way I can describe it is 'grief by proxy '. To her she was keeping "grandma" alive , but to that little boy , "grandma" was a concept only. It seems cold - but it's fact. Sadly the boy ended up with quite a few emotional difficulties. I wouldn't be surprised if those behaviours contributed to some of it.

Not that you're doing that. Please don't get me wrong. But that scenario I'd previously encountered above, just the sentiment kind of reminded me of that.

One of my children's grandparents died young, a long time before they were born. The person is talked about, but more of a "they would have been your grandfather". Rather than "your grandad" if that makes sense. It's a little confusing for them to try to care and love someone that to them , just doesn't exist. It's a strange feeling when that person is an adored parent of your own. But they're yours to cherish and love. Not your children's. It's just the way it is...

Sorry again for your loss. I wish you well

Hope everything is going well for you today x

No far too sentimental. Names and dates only; I think that is the most tasteful.