To feel sad that my sister wants little to do with me

[Pr1vateone]

My sister and I used to be close. We fell out for a year or so over 20 years ago (because she was cheating on her partner, I found out and called her out on it, she didn't like it) but I thought we had sorted all that out. She can hold a grudge whereas if I have something to say, I have to say it. If I ask her if I have done something wrong she always denies there are any issues.

We both have children - my niece and nephew are a few years older than my DC. Before I had my DC I would babysit for her weekly, we went on holidays together and were generally really close. Things have gradually changed since I had my DC and now I barely see her. She has been to my house about 10 times in 10 years. She never invites me to hers but always says yes if I suggest visiting her. I have zero relationship with my niece and nephew, really, which makes me so sad as we were so close when they were small. I message them sometimes if I have something to say/ silly meme or something to send them and I get a few words back. I always send presents/ cards/ money for birthdays - my kids might get something via my mother two months after their birthday.

We have a group of mutual friends - more her friends, I guess - my sister and two others were all in the same class at school and our parents became friends, then the siblings (ie me and two others) became friends too. We have all known each other for 35 years. My sister meets up with the two of her age regularly (the three of them are very close) and otherwise we meet up the 6 of us every couple of months.

I do a yoga class with one of them (a sibling) every week - I hear more about my sister's life from her than I do directly from my sister. It is embarrassing (ie I had no clue she was going away for half term but this friend knew all the details and was invited along too).

I don't know what I have done wrong. I feel sad I hardly know my niece and nephew and that my kids don't know their aunt/ uncle/ cousins. I try to organise get togethers but it never happens - she is always too busy but never suggests another date.

It has now started that when the 6 siblings go out she won't go if I am going. Before Christmas we had tickets to a show booked months in advance, my sister could no longer make it so someone else bought her ticket. On the day, I had flu so cancelled - suddenly she could go and took my ticket - the other 4 were overjoyed. My sister is definitely more outgoing/ fun to be around than me but I am not a horrible person, just quieter.

We had a date in the diary for tomorrow - usually we go out for dinner/ round someone's house. I made some suggestions in the group chat earlier in the week and offered to host but got absolutely no response. I guess I am being phased out there too.

I basically only see or speak to her if my mum is involved now (I haven't seen her since last November - Christmas got cancelled as my mum wasn't well). When I did last see her I thought we got on ok? I get one word answers or a thumbs up if I message her directly but she is perfectly normal with me on the group chat with our mum.

For more context, my sister lives 45mins away but I still live near where we grew up, our parents and 3 of the other friends. My sister will come up to visit them but never suggests stopping by for a cup of tea. She has no interest in my DC and even had to message to ask how old my youngest was when buying a Christmas present.

I have asked whether I have done something to upset her before but she always just says no. She is always "busy" but always has time for her friends and husband's family. She doesn't work and her kids are now 16 & 18.

I feel she does the things she "has" to do for show - Christmas and birthdays but really doesn't want to. I suspect once our mum has gone I will never hear from her again.

I don't know why I am posting really, just feeling sad about it all.

How sad OP. I would say you just have to accept and grieve what could have been. And then move on. You need a new friendshipgroup outside family where your sister doesn't get to make you feel lesser than. ❤️

It's sad but your sister clearly doesn't want to socialise with you. You need to draw a line be friendly but stop inviting your sister and make friends outside of your family.

Being sisters dosent mean you'll be friendly as your finding out.

You're not alone OP, me and my sister had a falling out about 20 years ago now, and while she still sends me birthday and Christmas cards I never hear from her either. I think she didn't like the fact that I called her out on her bad behaviour, so perhaps yours is the same, and never got past your falling out really.

The fact that she's the type of person who has affairs and you're the type to judge indicates that you're two very different people.

I'm sorry you're sad. You might find that if you stop trying to make things better, either things will gradually improve or you'll just feel better about it.

You judged her. She hasn't really forgotten it. She won't let you in again.

This is incredibly sad, I'm so sorry op. I think it's two folded ( is that a phrase?) one - you judged her and she's not got over it and two - she no longer needs you for anything ie childcare. I would give what you get. Don't spend time energy and love on someone when it isn't returned, family or not xx

This is sad for you 😔 It sounds like it’s difficult to reconcile her behaviour and no wonder as it sounds like she can make a show in public but is generally indifferent or passive aggressive. It would be better if she was honest but she obviously can’t do that.

I can relate as my sister has distanced herself from me in a way that is a bit like how you describe. In my family of origin, we had immature parents who would play favourites with us kids (also a big family of 6). Being left out or scapegoated was so familiar; and I honestly think my sister is still caught up in those dynamics. I’ve decided I won’t put myself in harm’s way anymore so I might give up trying and let her go, as that’s what she seems to prefer. I wish you all the best and hope you find other more loving relationships where you can really flourish.

Being judged by a member of your own family about your personal life is always going to leave scars, particularly when you know your behaviour is wrong and you’re probably feeling guilty and bad about yourself already.

Actions have consequences, as you have found out, OP.

My sister doesn’t like me very much. I’ve made my peace with it now. She’s hardly perfect herself. One of our parents is very ill and I had hoped we’d all pull together but it hasn’t worked out that way. Twenty years is a long time. Maybe your reaction to her wasn’t great but you were a lot younger, you’d probably be less judgmental now but you can’t force her to let you in. I’d avoid asking mutual acquaintances anything about her and change the subject if she’s brought up.

@Pr1vateone

OP, stop trying and see what happens. This thread has helped me, I've made my mind up after reading the advice here, I am not trying any more in a similar situation which has gone on for years.

You did more than judge; you 'called her out'. It's got to be this. The way you did it or the way it has left her feeling. No one likes being around people who make us feel bad about ourselves.

It is sad OP but you have to grieve your relationship and move on.

Do you have examples of things you ‘have to’ say?

I guess I am just more emotional- wear my heart on my sleeve whereas she is a completely closed book. My DH says she is shallow (he doesn't dislike her and gets on well with my BIL - they see each other more than me and my sister!) and that after 18 years of knowing her he has zero idea of her personality or likes/ dislikes etc. My DH has no idea we even fell out.

We are very different people, like I say, I am emotional and overthink but she just doesn't seem to let anything bother her (but I must do- she doesn't need to say anything). We did have a dysfunctional childhood and my mum definitely played us off against each other but I thought we were beyond all that.

Thanks everyone, I will just leave it now. I will walk away from my friendship group of 35 years too as it is too hard to see them.

I guess it does go back 20 odd years, I was only young, just been cheated on myself and was really upset she would do this to my BIL (yes, they married and no he didn't find out) who I felt was like a brother to me.

I do feel a bit used after all I did for her and her children but I don't regret it - they are still my niece and nephew and I loved the time I spent with them. I feel bad for my DC that they basically have no family.

Just need to find a way to get over the sadness of it I guess.

I wouldn’t give up your friendship group. Just tell them, I don’t hear from her so I don’t know.

I’m in a similar boat. One is long standing having nothing in common but she stopped seeing our 90 year old DM for 6 years. Never visited once. Obviously nothing to do with me and they also stopped seeing her partners DM too. So when DM was ill I did say she needed to see DM! Other sister did similar and just left DM to me and didn’t visit DM in hospital at all over a 6 week stay or come to her 100th birthday..Managed to come to the funeral with her adult dc. They didn’t visit at any stage either. So what is the point of them as sisters?

I did have a good relationship with one of them for most of our lives. Holidays and everything. I do think she found DM over concerned about her life but she never understood how very old people don’t always phrase things as they should. So both of them have gone from my life and from my DC’s too. My DCs tried to get their cousins to come to their granny’s 100th (and a nice weekend in London) but failed and were disgusted with them. I know they have walked away from us over DM but I’m not chasing to get them back. I’m not happy about it but everyone who knows us here (and knows them) cannot understand why they are so selfish.

My sister used to put photos on Facebook of her and “my lovely mum” but never visited! So ungenuine. What can you do?!!

She can hold a grudge whereas if I have something to say, I have to say it

Hmm, is it possible that you are one of those people who are just tactless and pride themselves on being "brutally honest" and "saying it like it is". I had a friend like this once who, as a result of this, didn't have many friends or a relationship with many family members.

Objectively, you are not being unreasonable.

However 2 sides and all that. I'd love to hear your sisters' viewpoint. Can you send her the thread? We may be able to get to the bottom of it!😂

I think the drip feed that she married the man she was cheating on that you called her out about is actually a major factor here OP.
It makes way more sense that you're a reminder of her cheating on him and your obvious disapproval about it still sticks with her.
If she feels massively guilty that she cheated (i'm just assuming since she married and had kids with him) then you're a reminder that she did that to the man she loves. Being around you knowing you know what she did may (rightly) make her feel absolutely shit about herself for what she did, so if you're out of sight, it's out of mind.
Does anyone else know she was cheating on him? You say BIL never found out, but do your mum, or your partner, or the friendship group know? She may well be distancing incase when you're together you let slip and then everyone knows what she is and what she did.

Personally in your shoes i couldn't have let BIL marry her not knowing and i'd have had to tell him, but clearly you didn't do that and 20 years on is a bit late to bring it up.

One of my relatives 'just had to say' things. It deeply affected what I felt able to discuss with them and how close I felt to them. It's one of my main memories of them since they died, despite them being lovely in so many ways. It's really very sad now I think of it they didn't learn some tact as it would have been hugely beneficial to their relationships.

No @Pr1vateone , you don't 'have to say', your emotional response is not an excuse. The only thing you can control is how you act and what you say and unfortunately you've deeply damaged your relationship with your sister as a result of the choices you've made in this regard.

I'd advise suggesting doing something you both enjoy together and if she agrees spend the time actually focusing on her and showing her you can change, if that's true. If not there's nothing you can do except wait it out and hope.

When you say that you called her out, what actually happened? Oh I see you answered that.

i think sometimes sibling dynamics can mean that criticism can be one way.

Do you call her out for other stuff? Or did you?

It sounds like you damaged the relationship by calling her out on her affair and she hasn't ever really forgiven you for it.

This probably goes much deeper than your falling out 20 years ago. The dynamic probably began with your mum pitting you against each other, the falling out marked a line in the sand for her. I would write her a letter and tell her that you love her but it’s becoming increasingly clear that she doesn’t enjoy your company and that you respect that. Reiterate that you love her and if she ever needs you that you will there for her. Don’t formally leave the group, you probably won’t need to as they will just continue without you. When you see her at family events, smile and nod.

Grieve the relationship you want with her and accept the relationship that you have.

OP, did anyone else know about her affair? Your parents or anyone in the friendship group?

If not, I suspect she's probably a bit ashamed of herself. And you are a constant reminder of her actions.

I would love to know too.

To be clear, since we fell out all those years ago I have never again said anything judgy or "called her out" on anything. I definitely learned my lesson then.

We seemed to be really close again right up until I had DC 10 years ago and the withdrawal has been slow and gradual.