or is DP being lazy?

[AlexanderPandasmum]

I work part-time (3 days) and DP works full-time (5 days). On the days we are out at work we both leave the house at 7:15 and don't get back until 6:45ish. Of the other two days, DP sets off later (7:45) and gets back at 6:45 on one day and about 5:45 on the other day. DS (aged 14 months) is in a day nursery for the 3 days. He drops him off and I pick him up.

DP rarely changes a nappy, has never bathed DS and doesn't put him to bed. On the days we both work he does make tea but makes a real mess and doesn't clean it up, wipe surfaces etc. DS wakes me up about 7am every day but DP doesn't get this and somehow thinks I get a lie-in on my two 'days off'. Consequently, he won't get up with DS on the weekends and is still in bed now at nearly quarter past 10. He stays up late deliberately and watches TV and goes on his computer. I end up going to bed quite early and tired, knowing that I must because DS will be up early. When I come down first on a morning with DS, nothing has been moved or tidied so i have to rush around making things safe for DS.

If i ask him to watch DS for a few minutes while I have a shower or nip to the loo, he acts like he's doing me a big favour and will protest bitterly if I spend too long up there (like more than 5 minutes), yet he will often disappear upstairs and say he's off for a lie down, and won't come down till I find him (30 mins later on average).

His computer is in a little cubby hole in the far corner of the room so he'll go play on it while we are all in the room. It means he is not really watching ds, so I have to all the time.

He constantly goes on that he has to go to work 'unlike some people who don't work full time' but he took a day's holiday (had to because his office was being sorted or something) this week, kept ds in nursery for the majority of the day (so he 'could get more done') and when I got home he had done absolutely nothing (and I mean nothing - DS had been playing in the morning with toys and when I got back they were still there all over the floor!). I suspect it had been more a day of playstation and watching tv. He wasn't in the least bit sorry and said he deserved a day off! I wouldn't mind, but since DS was born I haven't had a sleep in or a day away from him (except work) whereas he has. I would not care less about housework if he'd kept ds at home and spent some time with him. As a result of him having eaten, he didn't want to make anything to eat and as ds was quite unsettled that night I didn't get down until half past nine and then had to make my own tea while shattered.

Well I am going to have to go now and see to DS. Sorry that was a long rant, but is it just me or is he being a lazy bugger?

lazy bugger IMO!

you both work, yet you are doing the majority of the childcare and housework

why has he never bathed your DS or changed a nappy? Probably because he knows you will always do it

sort a rota out for the household tasks and for lay ins

Myself and DH both work so we have alternate Saturday lie ins

get yourself a day out booked and leave DP to it

it sounds like he still wants to be living a child free life which isn't possible when you have toddler!

It sounds like a really frustrating situation and he is being lazy and selfish. Have you tried to sit him down and explain how you are feeling?

Your DP sounds very good and telling you what he won't do - eg: bath his child, get up with him at the weekend.

What would happen if you suddenly decided that you won't do these things either?

I think your DP needs a bit of a reality check.

He is a parent and a partner.

He needs to grow up a bit and deal with his responsibilities.

And you need to stop letting him get away with being a lazy arse!

And write him a list of tasks to get done if he continues to be lazy.

I'm just going to be a bit Devil's advocate here (because I think it's really unhelpful to c all someone lazy just cos they don't do what we want them to do) and say:

If you want the house cleaner/tidier than he does, clean it. Nothing needs to be done apart from basic hygiene needs. Don't bitch about him not tidying because he may not have the same standards as you.

If you want a day off then do what he did (cos he was right clever at doing this) put your son in nursery and have a day for you.

If you want change try and negotiate and go along gradually. He is much better at doing less than you, you need to get better at that. And when he's whining cos you're in the shower ignore, ignore, ignore. You are not his mum, you have treated him like a child. Don't argue, just go in the shower and ignore the whining.

He is much better at manipulating than you, again ignore the digs at your 'days off' and part-time life. He can't manipulate or belittle if you don't hear it.

You can't change him without his cooperation so you have to change your reaction.

Thanks for the replies .

Lauriefairycake- thanks for your reply but just to let you know I am really talking about basic stuff here like loading the dishwasher and putting food rubbish in the bin (not leaving it on the work surfaces). I am not in any way a domestic goddess myself and tend to do the basics only anyway. Our house is a bit of a mess most of the time anyway, so my standards are quite low.

I suppose last week when he had his day off I was just disappointed that he didn't want to spend some time with DS as he doesn't spend a lot of time with him apart from weekends. He did pick him up a bit early but it was to take him to his favourite eatery (DP's) as he enjoys the fuss they make of DS there. He then picked me up (nearby) and then we went home and saw that he hadn't done a thing. It's not that, it's the fact that it was the reason he gave for not keeping ds home and spending time with him.

We're already not getting on that well at the moment because of the above. I am getting fed up with it. We were together 10 years before we had ds and I was able to cope with letting it go a bit more before ds until DP could be bothered to pick things up etc, but now I don't want DS to live that way iukwim?

You should not have to ask DP to watch his own DS. I am sorry but you are allowed to go and get showered without having to ask this.

HumphreyCushion has said everything I want to say brilliantly.

I had a similar issue with DH, in the end it resulted in a huge row about him not doing anything and we drew up a rota of who does what. He does now do about 80% of the things that he's meant to do. We still have niggles about it though, yesterday for example I had to work and when I came home the house was a tip because he couldnt clean and look after DC WTF! and this morning when I got up the house was a tip and I spent the first 30 mins tidying dishes away etc while DH sat reading a paper and then went to the gym. He obv took notice of my digs though because when I came back from my mums with the kids he had actally emptied the dishwasher and put the ironing away.

Tell your DP you are not being treated like shit anymore and he has to sort it out.
On the other hand though like dh says to me just because I cant sit down and I want things done straight away doesnt mean he does. Therefore Ive made sure the stuff that is on his rota are things that he has to do ie bath kids, do DD's lunch box and put clean socks, pants away. That way he cant find an excuse to put them off.

OP - you sound so disappointed with your dh. Its hard when reality doesn't live up to what our fantasy is.
I think you need more time away - on your own - on the weekend so that you get to chill out, and also so that he can come to grips a bit more with what needs doing.

Also, set up a rota for lie ins.

I agree.

Propose one lie in each at weekends (until 9am or another agreed time) and that whoever lies in, tidies up a bit when they come up and sorts out the breakfast stuff etc.

Ignore ridiculous wingeing about showers - possibly stemming from him feeling nervous about being in sole charge? If so, it would do him a favour for him to have sole charge for a weekend - you go out in the days and come back in time for the evenings?

The latter will help him realise the impact of leaving crap everywhere.

I would also stop throwing his food / rubbish away and instead either leave it where it is or push it to one side of the kitchen counter until he asks you what the hell it's doing there.....also - push his crap in to one pile in the corner of each room and not a tidy pile - just a scoop and shove job to get it out of your hair but make damn sure it's somewhere incovenient for him - i.e. DH refuses to put stuff straight in to the recycling bag and leaves it on the kitchen counters, so I make sure it blocks his access to the kettle so he notices it when he gets up in the morning (and then throws it away). I also refuse to shut cupboard doors after him and he notices now and is better about closing them.

Don't wash anything that isn't in the laundry basket.

No jobs after a particular time in the evening, so all hands on deck until then.

he is a lazy arse. and i hate to say it but i have two friends who were like this who have just split up

agree with humphreycushion's post.

don't moan/nag at him
sit down with all the household tasks and agree what is "reasonable" between you. do give some concessions on the days you are not at work, say you will also do x,y,z.

re looking after ds, then you don't need to "split" this - but do carve out some time for yourself, whether this is a morning off every other weekend or a lie in or whatever.

then stick to it!

He's definitely lazy. Dh works FT and I work 3 days/week and it is very different here.

This is going to really drive you apart over time. You must stop allowing him to behave like this as much as you can (obviously he has to step up too).

Don't give in to whinging and don't do so much for him. Just don't - because if you do you will become so angry you will split up anyway.

kbaby makes a good point. When drawing up a rota, you need to ensure that the things on it are things that you can both agree are essential, such as baths and nappy changes and filling the dishwasher.

You also need to provide one safe place in the house, so that you can have a shower and look to your basic comforts without anyone watching ds. You need that for the days you're home with him as well- everybody needs the occasional break. I took everything breakable/dangerous out of the living room and put a gate on the door when dd was that age.

And you need to ensure that you get a regular day off at the week-end, at least once a month where you swan off completely and leave them to it. He needs more confidence to develop his own ways of looking after ds, without being measured against your standards.