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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hurt by this

26 replies

Angels1111 · 28/02/2025 11:33

We were due to go on a group retreat (less than 10 families altogether) but couldn't in the end as DH had flu which developed into pneumonia.

None of the people who I was helping organise it have been in touch to ask how DH is. AIBU to regard this as hurtful? They've been back a week today.

YABU...people are busy, get over yourself
YANBU ..a little message saying "sorry you couldn't come how is DH" is just common courtesy.

OP posts:
5128gap · 28/02/2025 11:40

Yes that's not good form. Were they inconvenienced by you not going? Having to pay more per head or something like that? Sometimes people can think you're making excuses and letting them down, because so many people do this, it can mean genuine people arent believed. Could that be it?

Original poster
Angels1111 · 28/02/2025 12:42

5128gap · 28/02/2025 11:40

Yes that's not good form. Were they inconvenienced by you not going? Having to pay more per head or something like that? Sometimes people can think you're making excuses and letting them down, because so many people do this, it can mean genuine people arent believed. Could that be it?

There was no financial implications to anyone as we all had individual hotel bookings. They've all said the retreat was great...

OP posts:
Cm19841 · 28/02/2025 14:17

What kind of retreat was it?

Original poster
Angels1111 · 28/02/2025 15:56

Cm19841 · 28/02/2025 14:17

What kind of retreat was it?

Wellbeing

OP posts:
Diningtableornot · 28/02/2025 16:00

Very strange that they didn't wonder how DH was. I don't know what to make of it really.

Original poster
Angels1111 · 28/02/2025 19:07

Diningtableornot · 28/02/2025 16:00

Very strange that they didn't wonder how DH was. I don't know what to make of it really.

Yeh that's what I thought

OP posts:
NicolaCasanova · 28/02/2025 19:15

I think they think you were lying and let them down.

Original poster
Angels1111 · 28/02/2025 19:27

NicolaCasanova · 28/02/2025 19:15

I think they think you were lying and let them down.

But nothing changed for them...they still went ahead, the cost didn't change, all the activities still went ahead etc.

OP posts:
hangingonfordearlife1 · 28/02/2025 21:26

he had the flu not a terminal illness

Original poster
Angels1111 · 28/02/2025 21:51

hangingonfordearlife1 · 28/02/2025 21:26

he had the flu not a terminal illness

Yeh but a "sorry you couldn't make it we missed you guys, how is he now" is just something normal to send no?
Also he did have to go to hospital for a while so whilst not terminal wasn't just a simple thing either

OP posts:
paranoiaofpufflings · 28/02/2025 21:53

Sorry it's not clear from your opening post - are these other nine families your friends, as in, they know you and your DH? If so, yes, it's rude and selfish of them not to care enough to ask after him.

If you were booking another type of group retreat where you were only going to become friends once you were there and met each other then I suppose they just haven't thought anything of you not being there.

Original poster
Angels1111 · 28/02/2025 22:03

paranoiaofpufflings · 28/02/2025 21:53

Sorry it's not clear from your opening post - are these other nine families your friends, as in, they know you and your DH? If so, yes, it's rude and selfish of them not to care enough to ask after him.

If you were booking another type of group retreat where you were only going to become friends once you were there and met each other then I suppose they just haven't thought anything of you not being there.

We know most of the families personally and helped with the organisation

OP posts:
paranoiaofpufflings · 28/02/2025 22:19

Then they are rude, selfish, ungrateful, and not very good friends at all!
I hope your DH is recovering now.

BellissimoGecko · 28/02/2025 22:22

hangingonfordearlife1 · 28/02/2025 21:26

he had the flu not a terminal illness

Flu that developed into pneumonia...

You sound charming.

So you'd only ask about someone's wellbeing if they had a terminal illness? Nice.

farmlife2 · 28/02/2025 22:22

Yes, I think it's strange not to ask how he is doing.

BellissimoGecko · 28/02/2025 22:23

And this was a wellbeing retreat? Kinda ironic really, that these people are so wrapped up in their own wellbeing that they can't spare 5 mins to ask about your h's wellbeing.

Selfish dicks!

I hope your h is recovering well.

anon4net · 28/02/2025 22:26

I remember once we had to go away a couple of days later and join a group late. Same as you we had our own accommodation booked, no cost to the group. They were very off with us which seemed strange. It was a D&V bug so not something we wanted to expose anyone to.

A few weeks later one randomly got in touch to say they were happy to hear we told the truth about being sick. When I queried they said they assumed we'd lied and changed our minds about coming away for the whole time but happened to run into other friends who had actually dropped something off while we were sick and clearly saw we were unwell - in pj's, one family member holding a sick bucket when they opened the door and stepped back, were pale etc. Their child was also in one of our dc's class and they'd gone home from school early that day (last day of term) as they were vomiting in school. We were supposed to go on the holiday that night.

I often think people judge others by their own standards. I've never lied about illness and assume that people are being honest.

Hold you head up high. Not much you can do about them. Flowers

TheWildZebra · 28/02/2025 22:27

I would bring it up in conversation next time you see any of them. If they start talking about the retreat, say, well I felt really hurt that nobody considered to check in on DH well-being. It made me feel x y z

Original poster
Angels1111 · 28/02/2025 23:50

BellissimoGecko · 28/02/2025 22:23

And this was a wellbeing retreat? Kinda ironic really, that these people are so wrapped up in their own wellbeing that they can't spare 5 mins to ask about your h's wellbeing.

Selfish dicks!

I hope your h is recovering well.

Yeh this was what I thought re the irony.

OP posts:
Original poster
Angels1111 · 28/02/2025 23:52

anon4net · 28/02/2025 22:26

I remember once we had to go away a couple of days later and join a group late. Same as you we had our own accommodation booked, no cost to the group. They were very off with us which seemed strange. It was a D&V bug so not something we wanted to expose anyone to.

A few weeks later one randomly got in touch to say they were happy to hear we told the truth about being sick. When I queried they said they assumed we'd lied and changed our minds about coming away for the whole time but happened to run into other friends who had actually dropped something off while we were sick and clearly saw we were unwell - in pj's, one family member holding a sick bucket when they opened the door and stepped back, were pale etc. Their child was also in one of our dc's class and they'd gone home from school early that day (last day of term) as they were vomiting in school. We were supposed to go on the holiday that night.

I often think people judge others by their own standards. I've never lied about illness and assume that people are being honest.

Hold you head up high. Not much you can do about them. Flowers

It could be that they thought we were lying! But I just can't think of a reason why we'd want to back out of an already paid for break at the last minute...I was so looking forward to being cooked for and not having to do any cleaning 🤣. I guess there must be people who get cold feet at the last minute or something though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Angels1111 · 28/02/2025 23:53

TheWildZebra · 28/02/2025 22:27

I would bring it up in conversation next time you see any of them. If they start talking about the retreat, say, well I felt really hurt that nobody considered to check in on DH well-being. It made me feel x y z

I hope I can find the words at the time, thank you this helps

OP posts:
Crichel · 01/03/2025 00:31

Angels1111 · 28/02/2025 22:03

We know most of the families personally and helped with the organisation

Show quote history

But there’s a difference between knowing ‘most of’ ten families and them being actual friends — what is the context of the ten-family retreat?

Original poster
Angels1111 · 01/03/2025 07:37

Crichel · 01/03/2025 00:31

But there’s a difference between knowing ‘most of’ ten families and them being actual friends — what is the context of the ten-family retreat?

Show quote history

Part of a place of worship congregation and one of lives on my street too we all see each other regularly and speak to each other etc

OP posts:
CatsorDogsrule · 01/03/2025 07:51

Crichel · 01/03/2025 00:31

But there’s a difference between knowing ‘most of’ ten families and them being actual friends — what is the context of the ten-family retreat?

Show quote history

I agree with this. The response to this (and previous posts) indicates that they are merely acquaintances with some of them, and none sound like actual friends.

Not a situation I would feel hurt by, but we're all different.

Wishimaywishimight · 01/03/2025 07:58

hangingonfordearlife1 · 28/02/2025 21:26

he had the flu not a terminal illness

He had pneumonia which can very much be fatal.

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