When both parents are unwell

Sadhappiness · 2025-02-28T00:04:51+00:00

I've been off sick from work for the past two days with a fever, aches and generally feeling shit. My husband messaged me today to say he was feeling really unwell. When he got home he said he wanted to go to bed, leaving me with the three kids while I also feel like shit. I said that I thought it would be fair for us both to stay up, do it together and turn in as soon as the kids were in bed. He got really angry and shouted at me that I'm selfish because he would do the same for me if I asked. I hadn't asked because I didn't think it would be reasonable to ask him to deal with everything while he was unwell. Ultimately he went to bed around 6pm and I did dinner, bedtime etc for the kids before I took myself to bed and I've just woken up sweating and feeling hard done by. Am I selfish for not taking everything on when he's unwell, given I'm also unwell?

FlipFlopsSpots · 28/02/2025 00:08

It depends what you husband is like

If my husband asked to go to bed and for me to cover, it would mean he's really ill and needs to go to bed and I would definitely cover. Likewise, I would only ask him if I was on deaths door.

If we r ever ill together, usually one is a little better off than the other.

I don't recall this ever being an issue somi guess neither of us mind helping out the other one.

I'm guessing if he's so ill he's gone to bed, then he really is pretty ill.

Chocolate85 · 28/02/2025 00:09

That’s shit. I wouldn’t be happy either. I’d try and do the same back to him tomorrow OP, let him get on with it with the kids and get yourself to bed. You’re supposed to be a team with your partner, he is really selfish. Has he always been like that?

Itisbetter · 28/02/2025 00:11

He’d been at work all day though while you’ve been resting. I would say you’re being a bit of a butt if you won’t step up.

Original poster

Sadhappiness · 28/02/2025 00:14

Itisbetter · 28/02/2025 00:11

He’d been at work all day though while you’ve been resting. I would say you’re being a bit of a butt if you won’t step up.

He felt fine this morning, and ultimately I did step up and stayed up with the kids while he went to bed. I felt awful this morning and still got up with the kids and got them to school.

OP posts:

MumChp · 28/02/2025 00:16

We would have helped each other. Or agreed on who took the children and who went to bed. It can be worked out without being mean. If I had been home from work I would properly had volunteered to get things done.

We would order a take-away or serve weetabix with a banana/similar. No cooking or service expected here if two parents are down.
We would just washed kids woth a cloth if needed. No fuss.
An Ipad with Disney+ if time to pass and off to bed early.

And painkillers for the grown ups.

MumChp · 28/02/2025 00:17

Sadhappiness · 28/02/2025 00:14

He felt fine this morning, and ultimately I did step up and stayed up with the kids while he went to bed. I felt awful this morning and still got up with the kids and got them to school.

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Time to ask him to do some parenting then you are sick?

FlipFlopsSpots · 28/02/2025 00:18

Could you have said something like

Oh no, I'm so sorry you r feeling so rough. I'm feeling rough too and I don't think I can stay awake, let alone get the kids ready. What shall we do? And then maybe have come up with a suggestion - like maybe you could call a friend to have the kids for a sleepover tonight, or a relative (if you r lucky enough to have them nearby) to come and sit with the kids tonight ... Or maybe you could just get into bed with your DH and your kids and all just go to bed!

Original poster

Sadhappiness · 28/02/2025 00:19

Chocolate85 · 28/02/2025 00:09

That’s shit. I wouldn’t be happy either. I’d try and do the same back to him tomorrow OP, let him get on with it with the kids and get yourself to bed. You’re supposed to be a team with your partner, he is really selfish. Has he always been like that?

Apparently his issue was that he had asked and I hadn't. I didn't think it would be reasonable to ask given we're both unwell. According to him, if I had asked first then he would have done that for me. I can't imagine it would have been received well if when he text me to say he felt so unwell, I had responded with "me too, when you get home I want to go to bed and you can deal with the kids".

OP posts:

FlipFlopsSpots · 28/02/2025 00:22

I think if this is a problem for you, there is a much deeper issue with the relationship. Most couples would just help each other out and feel sorry for each other that they feel so rough ...

MumChp · 28/02/2025 00:22

FlipFlopsSpots · 28/02/2025 00:18

Could you have said something like

Oh no, I'm so sorry you r feeling so rough. I'm feeling rough too and I don't think I can stay awake, let alone get the kids ready. What shall we do? And then maybe have come up with a suggestion - like maybe you could call a friend to have the kids for a sleepover tonight, or a relative (if you r lucky enough to have them nearby) to come and sit with the kids tonight ... Or maybe you could just get into bed with your DH and your kids and all just go to bed!

Kids still need to be fed. And tbh I wouldn't bring kids in my bed if I am unwell. They kick awfully in their sleep.

I would happily help as a friend if parents were really really sick - but it sounds like they/OP were well capable of handling things.

Original poster

Sadhappiness · 28/02/2025 00:24

FlipFlopsSpots · 28/02/2025 00:18

Could you have said something like

Oh no, I'm so sorry you r feeling so rough. I'm feeling rough too and I don't think I can stay awake, let alone get the kids ready. What shall we do? And then maybe have come up with a suggestion - like maybe you could call a friend to have the kids for a sleepover tonight, or a relative (if you r lucky enough to have them nearby) to come and sit with the kids tonight ... Or maybe you could just get into bed with your DH and your kids and all just go to bed!

While I would be fully on board with this approach, he ultimately sees the kids as my responsibility. And so he can relinquish it easily. Because he said first that he wanted to go to bed then there can be no discussion, only anger when I try to suggest an alternative solution.

OP posts:

MumChp · 28/02/2025 00:24

Sadhappiness · 28/02/2025 00:19

Apparently his issue was that he had asked and I hadn't. I didn't think it would be reasonable to ask given we're both unwell. According to him, if I had asked first then he would have done that for me. I can't imagine it would have been received well if when he text me to say he felt so unwell, I had responded with "me too, when you get home I want to go to bed and you can deal with the kids".

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You have your answer for next time.

I would concider my relationship if that was the level of communication.

Sessili · 28/02/2025 00:27

It's just always awful when both parents are ill, but it will happen because of how viruses work. I guess you just need to figure it out together, because colds and flus do hit people differently.

DH also completely checks out when he is ill. He will stay in bed all day and all night, and is completely useless - he just moans and sleeps. But: he is never down for long, whereas for me viruses tend to linger. So I take the first (utterly miserable) days, and then he is sufficiently recovered to take over 100% of the care and household duties and I get to rest. It works for us.

I think you're both angry at each other because you're so miserable. Neither one of you is being unreasonable, except for taking a shitty situation out on each other. Just focus on getting better, and getting things done however. My DD gets to binge Disney movies and eat junk food.

Original poster

Sadhappiness · 28/02/2025 00:28

FlipFlopsSpots · 28/02/2025 00:22

I think if this is a problem for you, there is a much deeper issue with the relationship. Most couples would just help each other out and feel sorry for each other that they feel so rough ...

That's what I wanted to do - help each other out. And I did feel sorry for him, but he questioned if I was really unwell.

OP posts: