DH going rogue with DD routine.

Bloodybrambles · 2025-02-27T23:25:33+00:00

I used to be carefree and spontaneous but having a strong-willed and energetic toddler has made me quite the supporter of structure/routine. Not as in nap time is strictly between 12-2, but as in DD must have the opportunity to nap for at least 2 hours and must have some sort of exercise/mental stimulation from the outside world to tire her out. Even if that means walking around the market looking at every single stall or getting the bus to the next town. DH works long hours but when it’s quiet, he’ll take his time back. Depending how busy he’s been it’s either a long weekend/week/two weeks. Firstly, he is the ultimate family man, idolises us both and in turn is very excited to have his time off/spend quality time with DD. He’s definitely not short of enthusiasm for parenting/family life, but in practice, it’s always harder for me when he’s home. I’m thinking why I’m having to fake some enthusiasm for his next lot of leave. I think it’s because I’ve found a routine that works. Dd is highly energetic/inquisitive, if she’s left to her own devices in one room at home for too long it all turns into chaos. As it’s usually just us two, we go out to groups most mornings, potter around town/outdoors until nap time, have lunch, maybe have a friend over for coffee/play date, DD plays independently until dinner, more pottering until bed type of thing. DH doesn’t really like us to have plans while he’s off as he wants to spend time with us/take it easy/spend 1-1 time with DD as he reckons I deserve a break. Quite often the ‘break’ he gives me is watching tv with DD all morning, offering to take us out to lunch but lunch not happening until 3pm as he decides to build a desk, her napping on the way home, DH bailing out as he wants to do some kind of project, DD tantruming until finally falling asleep at 10pm. DH truly believes she just an angry toddler by nature/doesn’t like being away from me/better behaved for me, not just that she gets that way when she’s overtired/not stimulated (which I’ve tried to politely mention/drop hints). The worst thing for me is that too long out of her ‘routine’ and that I feel like I’m having to battle with a jet lagged toddler for a good few days/a week afterwards. He knows that I take her out every morning while he works. He also knows I quite often end up sitting in the car whilst she naps but yet he’ll wake her up etc. He genuinely thinks he’s super dad but he’ll also get himself upset when I have to step in/spell out a solution to stop DD is balling her eyes out. I don’t want to burst his bubble/demotivate him as he’s got all the right intentions but on the other hand I’m dreading the chaos.

BellissimoGecko · 28/02/2025 00:17

But... he's not a super dad. He's a lazy idiot who doesn't listen to you or think about what's best for his dd.

You need to tell him straight that you know your dd best and this is what works for her, and he needs to follow that. Then make sure he does.

What a wazzock.

batterychicken · 28/02/2025 01:01

I think you have to step back and let him fail

Devianinc · 28/02/2025 01:05

Yuck, is he a child?

MumChp · 28/02/2025 01:09

No. He isn't a great superdad. He needs to put his daughter first not watch tv, build a desk or have lunch at 3pm. I would be furious and I would burst his bubble.

Herewegoagainz · 28/02/2025 01:13

He thinks it’s easy, because you make it look easy. If he won’t listen you need to let him deal with the consequences. You need to be out in the evening and let him do bed time (preferably from a nice pub/ cafe watching all hell break loose on a baby monitor).

BruceAndNosh · 28/02/2025 01:16

batterychicken · 28/02/2025 01:01

I think you have to step back and let him fail

But his failure on Saturday and Sunday means his wife is picking up the pieces with a jet lagged toddler for the rest of the week

LoveMyLittleOnes · 28/02/2025 01:42

Getting others to fit into his way of doing things, DH calls it “spending time together,” but it’s not real quality time. It’s just him fulfilling his own idea of what being a dad should be.

HoppingPavlova · 28/02/2025 01:53

But his failure on Saturday and Sunday means his wife is picking up the pieces with a jet lagged toddler for the rest of the week

Not sure how much of a thing that is tbh. I found this sort of thing was a luxury you could have with your first, kind of workable with a second but then nah. Later little ones get dragged here there and everywhere, to school assembly presentations during normal nap time, taken out to drop off/fill in time while older sibling at a play date or birthday party, other siblings or your own medical appointments etc. In short their ‘routines’ are disrupted near daily, yet they all cope just fine so I question how the whole ‘routine’ deal that is so critical? If every day is a different day later siblings all seem to manage so? I think maybe people train their first/second into these routines then make a huge rod for their own back when they have to deviate from it.

TempestTost · 28/02/2025 02:07

I think there are two main points I'd make.

One is that this kind of thing is very common where one parent works away a lot, and is then home in a block. It creates tricky dynamics in a lot of directions, they often don't have a regular routine for themselves, they are trying to fit a lot into a small period of time, even just having an extra body in the house is disruptive. I have known a lot of people in that kind of household and it's always tricky. To some extent you just have to accept that it will be a disruption, although you can try and find ways to minimize it.

I also think that it's generally important that one parent does not claim total ownership of the routine and child. It's very common for mums at home to do this, and even more so in the scenario where the dad is away a lot. But it ultimately prevents the other parent from developing their own effective routines and relationship.

I'd also say - some parents do best with kids at a certain age, or struggle with kids at a certain age. And yet it's also the case that sometimes the other parent may be offering something important to the child, even if it's not how you would do it.

Practically OP, I think it's worth it to try and have a talk with your dh about anything really important, but I'd also not push too hard. The toddler stage will pass and it will all becomes much easier.

I wonder though, if you might find that it is helpful to your dh if he has a chance to spend some blocks of time as the main parent. Would it be possible for you to go away some time when he is home, and let him be the guy in charge? He will have to find a way to make things work - it might not be your way, but it will be his way which is also worthwhile.

yourmaw · 28/02/2025 02:39

make a (fake)timetable-dd "star chart"- activity-tick box,lunch\nap -tick box- faternon time-tick box-dinner bath bed-tickbox-stick it on fridge. Use yur mouth and growd up words and advertise-this is not milatary precision-but what works for us.
wont it be fab when your off when you vaguely stick too timetable/routine.
see how that goes?

pikkumyy77 · 28/02/2025 03:18

TempestTost · 28/02/2025 02:07

I think there are two main points I'd make.

One is that this kind of thing is very common where one parent works away a lot, and is then home in a block. It creates tricky dynamics in a lot of directions, they often don't have a regular routine for themselves, they are trying to fit a lot into a small period of time, even just having an extra body in the house is disruptive. I have known a lot of people in that kind of household and it's always tricky. To some extent you just have to accept that it will be a disruption, although you can try and find ways to minimize it.

I also think that it's generally important that one parent does not claim total ownership of the routine and child. It's very common for mums at home to do this, and even more so in the scenario where the dad is away a lot. But it ultimately prevents the other parent from developing their own effective routines and relationship.

I'd also say - some parents do best with kids at a certain age, or struggle with kids at a certain age. And yet it's also the case that sometimes the other parent may be offering something important to the child, even if it's not how you would do it.

Practically OP, I think it's worth it to try and have a talk with your dh about anything really important, but I'd also not push too hard. The toddler stage will pass and it will all becomes much easier.

I wonder though, if you might find that it is helpful to your dh if he has a chance to spend some blocks of time as the main parent. Would it be possible for you to go away some time when he is home, and let him be the guy in charge? He will have to find a way to make things work - it might not be your way, but it will be his way which is also worthwhile.

This is very good!

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 28/02/2025 03:33

BellissimoGecko · 28/02/2025 00:17

But... he's not a super dad. He's a lazy idiot who doesn't listen to you or think about what's best for his dd.

You need to tell him straight that you know your dd best and this is what works for her, and he needs to follow that. Then make sure he does.

What a wazzock.

@TempestTost is way more measured and def makes good points but also... This 😬

I'd be shirtily expressing his break is no fucking break at all and not to bother his arse.
He needs to get with the program... specifically YOUR program.

That said....
I do step back and give my hisbamd a lot of space to work it out his way (he also deals with the consequences of that.... eg dd oversleeps on nap because he CBA to wake her... he deals with the 9pm bedtime and tantrums. He now always wakes her promptly...)

i do find my dh operates best within a framework though. I've now "trained him"* on a repetoire of about 4-6 simple days out and he can very adeptly do a weekend day on his own now. Inc all the extras (clothes, snacks, meals, nap routine). I very much "rate his work" these days
he also has a tendancy to do rando tasks at stupid times. It took several fights to explain recalibration of the water softner in a nap time job not a midmorning job. The time is make lunch is 11.45 so its ready for 12/12
15 having thought about what youll do earlier in the say amd checking you have all the bits.... not start thinking about it at 12.15 being totally unprepared and faffing about and serving something she wont eat at 1....

*It annoys me on a theoretical level that he cant "just work it out" but im v pragmatic and just want the outcome and don't care too much how i achieve it

pikkumyy77 · 28/02/2025 12:12

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 28/02/2025 03:33

@TempestTost is way more measured and def makes good points but also... This 😬

I'd be shirtily expressing his break is no fucking break at all and not to bother his arse.
He needs to get with the program... specifically YOUR program.

That said....
I do step back and give my hisbamd a lot of space to work it out his way (he also deals with the consequences of that.... eg dd oversleeps on nap because he CBA to wake her... he deals with the 9pm bedtime and tantrums. He now always wakes her promptly...)

i do find my dh operates best within a framework though. I've now "trained him"* on a repetoire of about 4-6 simple days out and he can very adeptly do a weekend day on his own now. Inc all the extras (clothes, snacks, meals, nap routine). I very much "rate his work" these days
he also has a tendancy to do rando tasks at stupid times. It took several fights to explain recalibration of the water softner in a nap time job not a midmorning job. The time is make lunch is 11.45 so its ready for 12/12
15 having thought about what youll do earlier in the say amd checking you have all the bits.... not start thinking about it at 12.15 being totally unprepared and faffing about and serving something she wont eat at 1....

*It annoys me on a theoretical level that he cant "just work it out" but im v pragmatic and just want the outcome and don't care too much how i achieve it

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You complete me.

Mummyisfunny · 01/06/2025 10:49

Just tell your hubbie. It's great that your home Darling with us ...here's the schedule Funky Monkey Monday a.m Tumble Tots Tuesday a.m Toddlers got Talent Wednesday a.m Baby Ballet Thursday a.m Sports Tods Friday a.m. And the great news is You get a nap between 12 and 2pm to get over that lot. Otherwise she sprouts horns and you have one of them Demon kids lying on the floor kicking and screaming and crying.
Right off you go fella with Darling Daughter I'm gonna put my feet up this week.