To take a step back?

[Friendsandstuff]

I consider myself a good friend, am aware of not leaving anyone out or messing people around. Recently, I've been a bit upset over:

1. A friend of many years told me in November that I'd be invited to her 50th party at Christmas. The date came and went, I'd wished her a happy birthday, she said thanks, but no more mention of the party. I know from others the party went ahead. I'd see her a few times a year, but we don't live in each other's pockets but still consider her a good friend.

1. A friend who I go running with. I always arrange the dates but she constantly changes dates and times and never makes the initial contact.

Lately, with both, I feel like taking a step back, that I'm not a priority for either of them.

AIBU?

if its annoying you then take a step back, but dont be annoyed if they go out and about without you. Im listening to the 'let them theory' and Its very interesting.

Have you considered talking to your friend about how you felt not being invited after you had been pre invited?

Yes, I realised during lockdown how few people prioritise me.

When everything started to return to normal, I met up with those who I thought were my 3 dearest friends and told them how hurt I was and how much I missed them. We all agreed to make more of an effort to be in each other's lives. I thought they were like sisters to me.

I've now know that we have friendships and meet up when it is convenient for them. They want to get together every couple of months, but the conversations feel empty to me. They don't reach out and we don't know what is going on in each others lives.

I now concentrate on those that make time for me. New friends that I have made through hobbies, who contact me regularly just to catch up, check in and see how I'm doing.

I don't mean to stop speaking to them or falling out, just for me to stop doing most of the arranging meetups etc.

Yeah, I know these type of connections well. I found in my 30s that I was relied upon professionally (by work colleagues) and socially (by people who treated me, at first, like a valued friend or acquaintance). All my life I have been able to problem solve and succeed in cutting through difficult situations and crises.

At work, I was asked to lead 'delegations' and campaigns. In public situations, I was asked by others to lead co-writing submissions or to speak to mediators on others' behalf. In social situations, a lot of the people I knew and mixed with wanted me to be the ringleader or group spokesperson or negotiate for them.

A long-term friend, Barbara, eventually said to me, "Iain, you really learn to say NO more often or at least to tell people to start to stand up on their own behalf. People have learned that you're a can-do type of person and they make a beeline to you. What does any one of these people offer to do in return for themselves or for you. No one takes back your load ... people find out that you are energetic and organised and let you do things for them. You do you own work then tire yourself more by solving bits of theirs. You get verbal thanks, of course, and occasional fawning flattery but, ultimately, you are eating into your rest time and family time. Please, take my advice and become more selfish for your own good. If you can do more than others, they will tend to use you up if they can."

It took a while but I realised (eventually) how right she was. I pared back my time-slicing and I did learn to put many more NOs in my vocabulary and public personna.

= = =

When it comes to friends like yours, the ones where the effort of connections or realtionships becomes loaded for you while the others 'coast' along.

I very much felt for you when you scored a pre-invitation to the 50th which, later, never came to fruition.

People will often be prepared to lie directly or by ommision. They might find you convenient when they need you or need you to organise a thing they like.

ANALOGY: They seem a lot like 'fair-weather" supporters of a sports club ... you see them when the team is winning or having an occasional purple patch BUT, when the team has a succession of defeats or setbacks, they'll stop attending the game.

Time to rethink your connections, I'd say and MAYBE, just maybe, let the taxing relationships die off naturally.

Friendships go up and down in terms of engagement. It's not unreasonable to put less effort in for a time and see where they go if they're making you unhappy.

It’s a very hard lesson to learn but once you’ve learned it you will be a lot happier.
In my experience, you come to realise that you are not as important to some people as you think you are.
It’s not that they don’t like you or they don’t care. You simply don’t feature in their lives as much as you think you do.
Lower your expectations and focus on those who do initiate contact and keep in touch. When there is contact with those who you feel let you down, be friendly and pleasant.
Lose some of your ego and be more of a grown up: believe me, this is the advice I gave myself and it was transformative.

I'd be miffed that friend had mentioned the party and not followed through and I would maybe adjust how I viewed the friendship in my head. But still meet if I enjoyed meet ups.

Running friend - do you enjoy running together or would you be as happy to go alone? Is it worth being the instigator for the company? It may be your friend is use to you arranging or feels you have more going on so should decide. Or she may not be motivated and you push her to do it. The changing times would irritate me I wouldn't do it if it was inconvenient.

Yes, miffed is a good word for how I feel, really. Fair enough if she doesn't want to invite me, but don't mention it in the first place

I'd something similar happen and it left me feeling like the backup friend... not good enough to invite to a big celebration but happy to meet me for a coffee when she'd nothing else on. It hurt. We still see each other but not as much as I stopped being the one making the biggest effort.