To stop initiating affection with my husband

[OrangeWalrus]

OH and I have been together about 20 years and have two young DCs. We got into a rut for many years and there were a few issues.

1. hardly any sex.
2. ZERO affection outside the bedroom. No touching, no kissing, nothing.
3. not spending much one-on-one time together.

I decided we need to do something about it because I still love and fancy him and don’t want our marriage to fall apart. We’ve had a few conversations about how to improve things - all initiated by me.

We have started having lots more sex and spending more time together so two out of three problems are much improved. I think we have both made an effort on these.

The lack of affection/ non-sexual intimacy is still a problem though. It’s definitely improved - I mean there was zero touching before so anything would be an improvement!

I’ve brought it up a few times in as non-confrontational a way as possible. He’s agreed that it’s still not great. I suggested some intimacy exercises we might try based on stuff I’ve read around the topic. He didn’t seem keen on this idea - didn’t even read the stuff I sent him and hasn’t mentioned it since. Maybe that’s too cringe. Fair enough.

However, nine times out of ten, I am the one who initiates the affection. He responds but not always that enthusiastically. He’s generally the kind of person that will go along with what others want, so I can’t help thinking he’s going along with it for an easy life, rather than actually wanting the affection.

I’m feeling a bit hurt and rejected and so I’m thinking of just withdrawing, i.e. not initiating any cuddles etc, and seeing what happens.
I’m worried if I do this things will just quietly slip back into us hardly ever touching.

The other option is that I tell him how I’m feeling (again) and tell him I’m not going to do the initiating any more and it’s up to him so at least he knows the ball is in his court.

I guess the final option is that I keep doing the initiating most of the time and accept that this is the only way I’ll get the affection I’d like. I need to find a way to shake the fact he’s just ‘going along with it’ if I do this though as it’s bringing me down.

If you stop then he will think the positive steps he has made weren't good enough.

However him not reading or actively trying to work at the problem (just following your lead) is a problem.

Sex therapy was really beneficial for a friend of mine and her husband. Failing that tell him he needs to actively lead on some of it.

I don't envy the situation or the potential choices.

Have you thought about keeping the home front the way it is for the sake of the two young DCs ... AND ... asking your other half if he minds you having good intimate (protected) sex "on the side"?

Or, maybe, in a non-ultimatum sort of way, get him involved in individual and/or couples sexual/imtimacy therapy. He might need to build his repertoire a bit.