Husband is so fake

[Rainydaysgoaway]

My DH and I used to be the best of friends. Since we had our 2 dc he barely pays me any attention, gives me any compliments, if I ask if we should watch a film together he says he is busy with work (runs a window cleaning business), we hardly ever get intimate and don’t even share a room anymore as he don’t wanna share a room with me and baby. To top it all off, any conversation is just filled with negativity; him complaining he could get be so rich without the kids and I or saying how much he doesn’t enjoy his life at the moment. He claims his depressed but whenever he sees his friends or family he magically comes alive. His mom is coming to visit and last time she did, he suddenly held my hand, wanted to talk to me, joked and laughed with me. Although it was lovely seeing this side of him, it just felt so fake. I’ve gone through a lot recently and just been feeling numb so him ignoring me doesn’t feel as lonely as it normally does. I’ve been doing things on my own a lot more, trying to meet new friends and ultimately my life is great with or without him, I’d struggle by myself so I have to just wait and see if it gets better as bad as it sounds. With a young baby I don’t have the energy to make any big decisions. But now that his mom is coming over, I don’t think it’s right that I put on the act of this perfect family. I don’t want to hold his hand or act all lovey dovey when he can’t even spare an hour usually to listen to my day. I love his mom and will be nice to her but I refuse to play house with someone who treats me like a piece of furniture.

LTB 🏃‍♀️

Have you told him about his fake behaviour in front of his mum? I would confront him on this and ask why the show when he usually isn’t bothered

So he puts on a show of being a loving DH when his DMs there_ out him Op, when he takes your hand say What's this about? You don't do this usually

Ohhh yess. But instead of talking he calls it “me starting an argument.” This time I can’t be asked. I’ve just accepted that’s how he is. Like his ignored me all day yesterday of course and told me he had loads of work. This was about 10 pm. I heard him just get off the phone with his mom for like an hour and without fail he came and tried to talk to me. I just said you should go work you’re going to fall behind. Would rather be by myself than with him. It just feels so forced!

He sounds really unhappy to be honest.

That's no excuse for his behaviour, though, is it?

Yes, he does sound unhappy.
He should have thought with his brain, not any other organ, before he gave up his life to a family one.

Did he really want the kids or did he have to be persuaded?

Id say it was a joint effort. He was excited for kids before they were actually here dribbling on him and draining his bank account.

Do you have financial independence or would you be really stuffed if he left or you needed to leave?

He's obviously unhappy. But what he's doing or thinking, we don't know.

The big concerning issue for me is pretending to be someone he isn't in front of an audience. The length he's going to here in front of mummy is concerning. Because people who do this remind me of people who gaslight, manipulate, lie incessantly and take no accountability.

What difference does this make? He has children and responsibilities.

Id be stuffed. I am in no position to leave, although months ago when I offered him an out. He leaves, goes travelling, makes all this money and we can live without a dark cloud hanging over our head. He didn’t go for this of course. He doesn’t want to look like the bad guy.

If he's got these amazing plans to make so much money, why doesn't he go and carry them out? What's he planning, washing windows in Dubai or something?

Twit.

That's probably because he has no way of making money. He sounds like a fantasist. He was probably pissed off that you called his bluff. I'm so sorry, OP, he sounds like a loser.

When he grabs your hand in front of his mum say "wow, what have I done to deserve this, normally you don't want to know me"

Yeah worried about outside appearances and what people think of him whilst behaving badly is another concerning behaviour.

I can only say here that the safest bet is to think and plan how you might be financial able to cope without him. I know how shocking this may feel. You may not want it, but he knows you're totally dependent on him and this is such an awful position for you. I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't exploring sex elsewhere or considering it. Online activity or via work. I just don't believe his sex drive has switched off.

If you can't be independent without him then I do wonder whether it's actually any use even confronting him.
I feel you really must be savvy here. Your own secret bank account for example. Thinking about your earning potential when you can return to work.

I'd also be tactical in how you engage with his mum. I would test the water and how she might react. Do you ever meet or see her separately without him? Does she know what he's like - she probably does unless she puts him on a pedestal.

I sense mummy has a big role in his life and if the shit hits the fan, his fear of her opinions may compel him to behave better in terms of financial obligations towards you.

Well, it’s time to start getting yourself in a position to leave, and then do it.

He sounds like he's finished there.
Sorry xx

From all the evidence you present @Rainydaysgoaway , I'd say to talk to friends or family and work out an exit plan for yourself.

Of course, one more time, ask him what he wants in the relationship if it is to go ahead.

After you have set up your 'parachute' out, have a mediatiion re child support and division of assets.

And, as others say, out his fake intimacy in front of his mother ... AND be ready to say direct to his mum just what he's been like in recent times.

He sounds like a knob tbh. We would all be richer without kids but most of us are prepared tp sacrifice.

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