Is this unfair?

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So I have a long term condition that flairs up. I work part time do most of housework /kids. Dh works full time and is the bread winner.

I had a bad attack recently and spent two weeks in hospital. Dh had to pick up slack. I am slowly recovering.

Before I went into hospital our household share looked like this-

Me
Work 3 days a week
All school runs except after school on working days
9 dog walks
Cooking mon -thurs
All pots/dishwasher
Hoover/dust
Laundry/bathrooms
Mental load for house and ds

Dh
Work 5 days a week
5 dog walks
Cooking Fri- sun
Two school runs
Bins
DIY
Garden
Will occasionally put a wash or dishwasher on at weekend

We do DS bedtime together, at weekends spending time with ds I'd say we share around 50% , I do 35 % so dh does 15% solo.

Most of time this works fine but if I'm struggling with my health I may ask for help from dh he is often reluctant as he feels he has enough on and will push back. He also struggles with his mental health and refuses to get any help.

After my recent health issues resulting in hospitalisation I feel he needs to be more willing to take more on at home if needed and saying no just causes more issues long term. He says he needs to protect him self too. He is also reluctant to get outside help.

Am I wrong to expect his support to be more fluid?

Depends what you mean by more fluid.
If that's things can change quickly and that's not possible for his work, or leaves him with no downtime which everyone does need?
Your list is longer, but how much of these tasks are done when you're at home and he's at work/kids at school?
What tasks are you wanting him to take on? When does he leave/come home from work?

It isn’t fair if you’re too ill to manage the share you’re doing and it’s affecting your health. But with both of you unwell, perhaps it’s also time to think about longer term practicalities: is a cleaner an option, even if just a couple of hours a week for big jobs like the bathroom and kitchen? Can you actually still manage the dogs or would rehoming be an option? Do you really need to be cooking every day? What about batch cooking once or twice a week, or using an instant pot, or even just simple meals? When you’re ill, finding shortcuts is important.

I don't think anyone can answer this. I mean only each of you know what you can do. I mean I work 3 days a week and my husband 5 days a week. Compared to us, I'd say that's about the same but you perhaps should do a chunk of the gardening and some of the bins too, to lessen the load of the full time worker.

Practically though neither of you CAN do what you can't mange. If your health conditions mean you can't take on more, then you can't take on more. If his health conditions mean he can't do as much as he is doing he needs to do less. What is important to me is that it shouldn't just be

• You CAN'T do X so HE has to break himself doing it
• He CAN'T do X so YOU have to break yourself doing it

If neither of you can do X then either you have to either work out a lifestyle where X doesn't need doing, or pay someone to do it. How old is DS? There are a few jobs on there that I would think he could sometimes help with if he is maybe 7+?

How often does it all get done? I doubt that DIY, and hoovering/dusting have to be done every week? With 3 of you, it probably wouldn't be awful if bathrooms were sometimes done fortnightly too. Maybe in a bad week for you he does the laundry/hoovering dusting for you instead of DIY/gardening? In a bad week for him may you do some extra school runs or cooking which HAVE to be done everyday and some areas wait to be cleaned until he's feeling better. It seems like a very rigid list of weekly tasks. If one or both of you are unwell enough to complain/not do them, then maybe the list needs relaxing!

Thanks for the responses to answer a few questions-

Dog - I can't walk the dog anymore at all. I said we should rehome him. Dh won't. To avoid dh doing all walks I have arranged a dog walker to do three days so dh now has 8 walks to do

Cleaner - we can't really afford it but I am in the middle of applying for pip so that could help fund it if needed

My issue is it's like dh says that's his limit he can do no more. But if my health deteriorates or we have issues with ds (who is disabled) or it's school holidays so I get less time to rest. I feel surplus should be shared but dh won't. But when I end up very ill (hospitalised twice in 8 years ) dh has to do everything and he manages so to me he must have had some spare resources to cope. And it seems short sighted to not help inthe short term and end up doing more in the term?

Hoovering needs to be weekly due to dog hair
Dusting bathrooms fortnightly
Garden diy none currently

Just because he CAN manage when he absolutely has to doesn’t mean he should be doing that long term as par for the course.

If my husband ended up in hospital tomorrow for 2 weeks I could cope, I could do all the childcare, the dog, the house, the cleaning, I’d have no other choice so I’d have to. But that doesn’t mean I could do all of that long term without ending up:

1. burnt out
2. resentful

Partnership is meant to be exactly that.

But what's better?

I'm struggling and need him to take on some of my stuff until my health improves or ds health improves (weeks to months )

I end up in hospital and he has to do 100% of my stuff for about two months and 50% for about four months (gradually decreasing) plus I have to take opiate drugs and my kids have to deal with me being in hospital

I don’t think it’s fair for him to have to do everything, whilst also working full time. What are you asking him to take on from the jobs on your list ? It’s difficult to say who is being unreasonable, especially when you say dh has his own health struggles. I think if I had too, I’d make cutbacks elsewhere to pay for a cleaner.

But it sounds like he is also struggling, and you can’t pour from an empty cup.

He can’t suddenly become able to put his problems aside to help you in the same way that you couldn’t simply stop being unwell if he asked you to take over some of his jobs now to help him.

It’s a really difficult situation all round, and it sounds like neither of you had anything left to give. Rather than putting any extra pressure on I’d focus on outsourcing whatever you can, if you expect your health to improve then these could be short term measures. A cleaner to come weekly to take pressure off, dog walker, keep meals simple or batch cook so that it’s 2 hours on a Sunday but then 15 mins to prepare mid week, anyone who can help with pick ups or childcare?

I’m not saying it is not difficult to be you, it is awful to be unwell, I know that. But it is also incredibly difficult to be the default partner, the one who has to be okay even when they’re not because there isn’t space for both adults to be unwell, the one who is depended upon to just get on with it, to pick up the slack, to be the one who just has to give and give and give. Everybody has a limit, you cannot pour from an empty cup.

I think the issue here is "he manages". "Manging" when the alternative is that your kids end up neglected, ill and possibly being taken into care, looks like managing, but it isn't. It's forcing yourself not to get to a point where your sick, dirty, starving kids are taken off you by social services, because that's even worse than collapsing yourself. I think you are missing the fact that DH loves his kids and will break himself for them if he has to, but actually he can't be always broken to that point.

It's helpful to read the opposing argument.

I guess it's hard for me because when dh refuses to do extra I have to do it and end up more ill . He gets to prioritise his health but I don't get to prioritise mine until I'm so ill I collapse then I end up on long term sick and in hospital with medical professionals telling us to prioritise my health. Then dh will because he has to.

You both have chronic conditions but he refuses to treat his mental illness, do I have that right?

He needs to manage his mental illness. That would be a hill to die on. But, you can't expect him to function all the time like he did when you were hospitalized.

Your husband is the majority breadwinner. Can you decrease your hours at work if that would help you improve?

For meals, paper plates. I know, I know, but when you have a chronic condition and you can't manage the work, you do what you can to decrease the work.

Order groceries online for delivery.

What about a food delivery service a couple times a week? Cook double portions and freeze single servings.

Can you take the dog outside to just pee and your husband does a walk? I found dog walking a great stress reliever.

Robot vacuum. They have ones that mop now too. You still need to vacuum but not nearly as often.

Hire a cleaner.

Your child is 7? They can take trash to the bin. They can gather up clothes for the laundry. They can hand wash dishes.

Short term he needs to pick up the slack but long term it probably isn't sustainable for him to do everything.
Dog walker and a cleaner seems to be the logical solution

I hate to say it but you need to get him on board with refining the dog. Then spend the dog walker money on a cleaner.

Your list on the face of it seems like a reasonable split. Perhaps stop doing bedtimes together and instead take it in turns.

I have a disabled child. Had a long term bout of poor health myself and my oh got very upset he had to pick up the slack. It basically broke us. I was left coping with a high needs child alone with terrible health. Thankfully I've not had such a bad period of health again but my condition remains so I live in fear. But after a few months single I had to face the fact I couldn't keep the dog. It worked out well for us as a family members dog died of old age and they wanted a new dog so took mine happily and my kids still get to see the dog. The reduction in housework and the loss of that stress around walks when I was hardly coping made a big difference.

If you oh feels he needs the dog for his mental health then perhaps that needs consideration but he should acknowledge he's putting the dog above the needs of his partner

It seems that the majority are missing the fact that your DH has mental health problems but is refusing to do anything about it. That to me, sounds like he wants to have his own 'health problems' so that he can use that as an excuse not to step up when needed. I think in your shoes OP, I would tell him that he is deliberately making life harder for himself than it needs to be, and that he MUST go to his GP and get help with his mental health. Point out that walking the dog is good for his mental health, and tell him that if he won't help with occasional extra housework, then you will have to get someone in to help, OR let standards drop, his choice. As you say, if you are awarded PIP, you will find that this will help pay for a cleaner, and possibly even for someone to walk the dog, but in the meantime, it really is up to your DH to step up as much as he can.

Surely you do realise that telling someone struggling with mental health to “just try harder” is the equivalent of telling someone with 2 broken legs to “just get up and walk”?

You don't get this do you
I can think of 23 ways in which my life would be better if I drove. All of those 23 things would improve my life, my child's life, my husband's life, my friend's lives (because they wouldn't feel they needed to give me lifts). I can't drive. Medically it's too likely I'd lose control of the car and kill someone. It doesn't matter if your life would be better if your husband did more, he can't. So you have to find another way.

Thank you some good ideas. Sometimes it's hard to see the woods for the trees.

Ironically dh finds the dog extremely stressful and I feel his mental health would massively improve if we rehomed him. But he refuses he worries the dog would end up in kennels.

The not getting help is frustrating I had a decline in mental health and worked really hard , I had CBT, took up meditation and yoga. I have pushed dh to go gp twice, he went down the blood tests route- all fine and refused anti depressants. He did try CBT but didn't engage in it so the counsellor ended the sessions after 3 sessions.

Where in my post did I say that the OP's DH should 'just try harder'? As someone who suffers with poor mental health myself, I wouldn't dream of saying that, so please stop making things up, just so you can have a go at someone!

I know from my own experience that the only way to get a grip on mental health problems is to seek help from a medical practitioner. The OP has clearly said that her DH is refusing anti-depressants, and says that while he did try CBT, he 'didn't engage in it so the counsellor ended the sessions after 3 sessions', which to my mind says that he's faking mental health problems so that he can use it as an excuse not to help the OP when she needs it. It probably boils down to him being fed up with her being sick, and getting all the attention, while he has to pull his weight, so he thinks if he can top her illness with one of his own, she'll stop asking him to do anything extra.