Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law

11 replies

HarLace1 · 27/02/2025 13:02

I need some advice and for a change it's not me that has a problem with MIL but it is in fact my DH that is getting frustrated with her.

Cut a long story short my DH had a nasty collarbone break, it's still debatable if he need surgery or not so not a simple fracture. Anyway because of this happening she has come over every Sunday (I'm a nurse and I work two long shifts a week part time) as my mum has the children on Tuesdays and normally my OH would be at home with the children (one is 18 months old) and due to the injury she comes over every Sunday to help mostly with the baby, feeding her, putting her down for a nap picking her up changing her etc. It worked very well at the start but my OH is starting to dread Sundays when I'm at work and she comes over. They generally have a good relationship (he's an only child) but apparently all she does is make digs about the house being untidy (it's really not that bad just not her standard) mutters under her breath about stuff and questions my OH on things such as 'oh I see you brought new trainers I thought u didn't have any money' (got it on vinted) and why don't we have this fixed and why are we doing that on that day and you should have this for dinner and so on. He said he's sick to death of it and it's like the Spanish inquisition. I know the advice would be to tell her to stop and that's that but it's so hard when she helps us out so much by being here it looks horribly ungrateful and he doesn't want to upset her by saying something, but does anyone have any discreet ways of shutting her down a bit? He's even asked me to ring in sick this Sunday and that's very unlike him to suggest something like that!

OP posts:
Katemax82 · 27/02/2025 13:09

My in laws were like this, they would have my son for a few hours once a week so I could do a poxy cleaning job in the evening and it made them think they could judge what we spent our money on

FrogsLoveRain · 27/02/2025 13:13

Honestly, he needs to just ignore her or let it wash over him.

Even if her criticism is mentioned to her, realistically will she change her ways? Maybe not.

As for asking you to phone in sick - no. That's an unreasonable request.

ThinWomansBrain · 27/02/2025 13:16

your DH needs to make a few curt replies, along with stating that he is an adult, he doesn't need to justify expenditure to mummy, etc.
And obvs house isn't as tidy as it might be - he is unable to do his share ATM.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 27/02/2025 13:17

How long is the shift?

I think the best thing your DH can do is

  1. formulaic replies “yes you already said” “you’re very critical” “please don’t comment about X” “we are doing us best there is no need to be so rude”
  2. try and get space….

if he can leave them with both kids
“Mum! So happy to see you. You’re a lifesaver. I had a terrible night with baby she was up and down all night. I’m wrecked. So great you are here I’ll pop upstairs for a nap”

if not… can he take the older one physically far away? ideally out of the house, if not possible maybe he can go upstairs and keep mum and LO downstairs and dress it up as 1:1 time

OriginalUsername2 · 27/02/2025 13:21

Can he say something lightly like “Give it a rest, Mum.” ?

Original poster
HarLace1 · 27/02/2025 13:23

I don't think he would expect me to ring on sick but I think he just wants a break from her. He's still unable to do stuff so it's looking unlikely at the moment! Unfortunately I don't have anymore annual leave left til April starts again so it's gonna have to be a grin and bare it attitude however I know how he works and he keeps his mouth shut for a long period of time and then will explode (not physically obviously) making the situation worse and upsetting her in the process. I just wish she wasn't like this? I don't understand the constant nagging and what it achieves.

OP posts:
Original poster
HarLace1 · 27/02/2025 13:23

OriginalUsername2 · 27/02/2025 13:21

Can he say something lightly like “Give it a rest, Mum.” ?

I think he said last Sunday he just ignores her now but I know deep down it's getting to him.

OP posts:
FuckityFux · 27/02/2025 13:50

FGS. He needs to grow up and have a no nonsense straightforward conversation with his mammy.

Look mum, I love you dearly and we’re both really grateful for your help and practical support, especially since my injury. When I’m recovered I promise I’ll do something special for you in return to show my gratitude but seriously, you have to stop treating me as a little child still needing your input.
How we run our home and spend our money is really none of your business and it hurts me enormously to hear you criticise us/ our lifestyle in this way. I know you’re doing this out if love but please, when you have any negative thoughts, stop and keep them to yourself. I don’t need to hear them and it’s really starting to get me down.

Do you think you can do that for me mum?

NapTrappedAgain · 27/02/2025 13:59

Is there a backstory as to why he can’t just tell her it’s annoying and ask her to stop it?

My DM has a horrible habit of being hypercritical and having to find the negative in everything. Sometimes it’s about me but usually it’s about slightly slow service at a restaurant or someone taller than she’d like sitting in front of her at the theatre. It’ll dominate the conversation when she could just say it was a fantastic meal or an enjoyable show.

One day I think me and my DB just both had enough of talking to Debbie Downer all the time and said something like “do you know you’re always really negative? It’s really hard to have any conversations with you.” I don’t actually think she was aware she was doing it but she couldn’t really deny it because once we’d pointed it out it just became really obvious. She still does it occasionally and I say something like “nothing more positive to say then?”

I think your DH should be able to tell his own DM that she’s doing something he doesn’t like even if she’s doing you both a favour.

ItGhoul · 27/02/2025 13:59

questions my OH on things such as 'oh I see you brought new trainers I thought u didn't have any money'

My mum, who is otherwise lovely, does this. I see her about six times a year and every time she'll comment that I'm wearing something 'new' (ie something she hasn't seen before) and act as if I'm constantly buying new clothes. Firstly, I'm not. She just doesn't see me often enough to know what's in my wardrobe. And secondly, it's got fuck-all to do with her because I'm bloody 49 and I'll spend my salary on whatever I bloody want, thanks.

I can understand why your DH is annoyed by his mum but equally she's doing you a massive favour, and it's not reasonable for you to phone in sick, so I think he either needs to suck it up or maybe try to make a joke of it. If my mum was telling me what I should have for dinner or how to clean my house, I'd say something like 'All right, Mother Hen, calm down - I am a grown-up you know!' and laugh it off. But it's hard to say without really knowing the dynamic between your DH and his mum in general.

nutbrownhare15 · 27/02/2025 14:01

' did you mean to be so rude mum?'

New posts on this thread. Refresh page