AIBU re communication

[Wonderberry]

I am possibly neurodiverse, and this isn't something people are direct about.

If you arrange twice to meet up with someone (specific date and time) and they cancel twice last minute, is it safe to assume they aren't interested?

If you message someone asking to meet up and they say they are busy for the next month and don't suggest another time, what should be interpreted from that?

I assume it's an indirect way of saying 'I'm not interested'. But since it's indirect it's difficult to know. Any general rules?

Oh the irony that no one is responding to this..

Bumping this one last time

I don’t think there’s any hard and fast rule about these things but my view is that if someone wants to see you, they’ll make time to without being chased.

I would take it that the other person isn't interested in you, yes. You don't say whether it's a friend or a potential love interest but I wouldn't bother asking either of them again.

Yes it does seem like a brush off, especially the latter. I've had good friends who are just plain unreliable and often cancel, but they are good friends already and I always take arrangements with them as 'possibles' rather than definite!
If it was someone I was trying to get to know, then I'd leave it. If they were truly interested in getting to know me they can make the next move. I'd still be friendly though.

It's a difficult one. I'm ND too and struggle to pick up on subtleties.

I'll start with the one I think is clearer - your second example I think you're right. In that situation I would leave it and if they do want to meet up then they can/will reach out.

The first one could be many things. Only you know your friend and their situation. If they have a job where they are called out last minute, caring responsibilities that can flare up, small children that can mess up the best laid plans etc. then cancelling twice potentially isn't trying to tell you anything and I would certainly give it a third go.

It’s not so much a neurodiverse issue as having respect and boundaries. After someone cancelled twice I’d leave them to arrange a third meet up, but ensure it’s local to you and not an inconvenience if they cancel.

Same as is someone said they’re busy for the next month “no worries, I’m generally fairly free so I’ll leave the ball in your court to arrange something when you are available”.

Moving on from friendships can be difficult, but people can also be really busy! I work shifts and a lot of friends are working 9-5 with children so it can be genuinely hard work.

Are these people having text chats with you in the meantime? (Also, this only works for friendships, if it’s a potential love interest being like this, bin immediately!).

If it's not a very close friend, or a potential romantic partner, then I'd take those two scenarios as being not interested.
If I had known them ages and knew them to be both very busy and rather unreliable, then I'd take it more at face value. And keep communication open in the hope of meeting at some point.

I'd take it as a brush off and leave it to them.to make any future contact.

You're right. I have a friend like this. Wants to do stuff but expects me to make all the running/arrangements. I know she has issues but...

Think it depends how well you know the people. If long standing friends, it may well mean "can't see you now" in which case ask them to let you know when they are less busy.

If people you don't know that well, then yes, probably brush off. If they were interested they would suggest an alternative.

Personally, if I suggested meeting up with someone and they said 'I'm busy for the whole month' (without any further suggestion about planning something further ahead or talking again in a few weeks when they're less busy) then yes, I would assume that they weren't keen on meeting and I would leave it.

If someone cancelled on me last minute, twice, then it would totally depend on why they'd cancelled. Broken down on the motorway / sick child / emergency at work / norovirus? Fine, these things happen. But if their excuses were always 'I'm a bit knackered' or 'it's raining' or something half-arsed like that, I'd stop bothering with them.

What were the reasons for cancelling? If it was to do washing, not interested. If their parent died, good reason not to meet up.

‘I’m busy for the whole month’ with no suggestion of a future date is definitely a brush off.

Cancelling twice is more situation dependent. If it’s a friend you’ve known for a while that’s normally reliable and they have a decent excuse each time that seems believable then I’d give them another chance. If it’s a newer relationship and the excuses are really lame along the lines of ‘bit tired’ or ‘lots on’ sort of thing then I’d assume they weren’t that interested and not make any effort to rearrange.

Cancelling twice was so last minute that on one occasion I was already in the agreed meet up place. Message was 'I'm tired' and 'need to do laundry'. So no, not really a good excuse.

I'm just checking I am interpreting this correctly.

That's appalling. I would assume they couldn't be bothered and not waste any more of your time on them.

That makes sense. I haven't wasted anymore time on this.

I wouldn't bother with them anymore. Let them make contact if they're interested.

Thank you, I will do. It's a pity people can't be more direct/at least give decent notice