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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to tell the truth?

28 replies

Rivari · 26/02/2025 22:58

I recently left a role I had held for a number of years due to huge issues with my direct boss who bullied me and others in the team, was unpredictable and would shout at us and reduce us to tears.

I told people I was leaving because of family issues (which was plausible) but really it was because I couldn't work with this woman any more, I developed anxiety, needed medication, and had a mini breakdown at one point and was signed off by my GP.

They've finally advertised my role and I've been contacted by some people who have applied for it who know me because in that role I was responsible for supporting them and working with them.

They want me to tell them about the role and what the boss is looking for and just generally get some inside info to help them prepare for interview.

Would I be unreasonable to tell them about the difficulties I experienced? I don't really know how to answer their questions without touching on it because the entire last year or so in the role was utterly awful and nearly destroyed me.

I also don't want these people to walk into a role where they will expect to be treated with respect and they won't be.

I should really have reported my boss and I intended to once I had left but honestly it was such a relief to get out I couldn't face being in contact with anyone, and the thought of going over it all to report it was too much.

What would you do? I've already agreed to chat to these people so I'm going to have to have some kind of conversation.

Voting:
YABU don't tell them, keep it light and vague
YANBU give them a heads up that it's not an easy team to work in

OP posts:
KnickerlessParsons · 26/02/2025 22:59

I think you'd need to be careful. You could get accused of slander.

RandomMess · 26/02/2025 23:01

I would keep it fairly neutral.

"I left because I didn't have a good working relationship with my manger and I can’t face talking about it."

Says enough without saying anything.

CostcoBuns · 26/02/2025 23:07

I've been in a similar situation. I'd keep it very factual and brief, but tell them.

YesImawitch · 26/02/2025 23:09

I would try to avoid any comments at all because you need to leave it behind you.
It's not your responsibility to warn people or manage their expectations.

Ask them to go for an informal visit instead as you are now working for Company ABC and as there have been changes you don't have up to date info.
Never ever slag someone off or refer to difficult work situations through anything other than official channels eg HR
It will always come back to haunt you.

BlondiePortz · 26/02/2025 23:13

I would say 'the working environment and me did not match you may have a different experience' no need to over dramatise it

potatopaws · 26/02/2025 23:15

I think the advice already given is wise.
I would be vague / professional with anyone other than close family or longstanding friend.

Try to keep the focus on the nuts and bolts of the role. If they ask you about the office dynamics or relationship with manager, you could say “Our personalities didn’t gel, you’d be better asking somebody else for an impartial perspective.”

Original poster
Rivari · 26/02/2025 23:17

KnickerlessParsons · 26/02/2025 22:59

I think you'd need to be careful. You could get accused of slander.

And? It's true and I can prove it, which is a defence in law against any defamation suit, in the very unlikely event my old boss decided to take me to court. I saved all the receipts because I had intended to report it.

I'm not intending to go into detail anyway, but I would feel very odd pretending everything had been ok, when it was far from it for over a year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rivari · 26/02/2025 23:18

BlondiePortz · 26/02/2025 23:13

I would say 'the working environment and me did not match you may have a different experience' no need to over dramatise it

I like this wording thank you, I'm not intending to go into detail, at least in part because I'm still pretty traumatised by it and get upset if I talk about it.

OP posts:
pinkstripeycat · 26/02/2025 23:20

KnickerlessParsons · 26/02/2025 22:59

I think you'd need to be careful. You could get accused of slander.

Not if it’s true and OP has evidence. Op isn’t suggesting they bad mouth the manager

MarjorieDanvers · 26/02/2025 23:20

It’s not slander if it’s the truth! If I was one of the applicants I would very much appreciate your honesty.

I hope everything is much better for you now 💐

Maviaz · 26/02/2025 23:27

I'd tell them about the role and then I'd say
"I left because I couldn't work with X any longer, but you may have a different experience"

RichPetunia · 26/02/2025 23:28

Be truthful. If I was going for this job, I'd be so grateful that you'd given me a head's up.

healthybychristmas · 26/02/2025 23:28

I would say the working environment made me so ill I had to go to the doctor. It might be different for you.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 26/02/2025 23:49

Me ... I'd be honest, whilst not go into too much detail. If you can't be honest don't agree to discuss with them.

Original poster
Rivari · 26/02/2025 23:53

RichPetunia · 26/02/2025 23:28

Be truthful. If I was going for this job, I'd be so grateful that you'd given me a head's up.

See so would I. I did another role a while ago which the previous freelancer gave me a heads up about and it was just as awful for her but it really helped to know it wasn't personal!

What made this recent role so dreadful was I ended up thinking it was my fault when it really wasn't, it was like an abusive relationship because my boss would be sooo nice at times and then turn on me. I never knew how she was going to talk to me.

I think the applicants deserve to know it might not be fantastic.

OP posts:
Chocolate85 · 26/02/2025 23:54

Do you like these people? If you do I’d be really honest. I’ve been bullied at work and I would shout it from the rooftops if anyone I actually liked was thinking about working for them. Are they friends or work acquaintances? Friends I’d tell the truth, acquaintances less so.

Original poster
Rivari · 27/02/2025 00:19

Chocolate85 · 26/02/2025 23:54

Do you like these people? If you do I’d be really honest. I’ve been bullied at work and I would shout it from the rooftops if anyone I actually liked was thinking about working for them. Are they friends or work acquaintances? Friends I’d tell the truth, acquaintances less so.

They are work acquaintances but yes I do like them! They are decent people who don't deserve to walk into a lion's den unknowingly.

OP posts:
Saphire123 · 27/02/2025 01:30

healthybychristmas · 26/02/2025 23:28

I would say the working environment made me so ill I had to go to the doctor. It might be different for you.

This.
It's the truth, and if future applicants that you know and like, have asked for your opinion, I would tell them frankly.

nomorezoflora · 27/02/2025 02:09

"The boss is a fucking nightmare" is a perfectly reasonable piece of advice when asked. The recipients will appreciate it hugely and will be horrified and probably resentful if they actually get the role and discover that without you warning them.

All this mealy mouthed 'oh it's unprofessional' can fuck right off, the manager is an unprofessional arsehole and clearly isn't getting any kickback about it.

Original poster
Rivari · 27/02/2025 15:07

nomorezoflora · 27/02/2025 02:09

"The boss is a fucking nightmare" is a perfectly reasonable piece of advice when asked. The recipients will appreciate it hugely and will be horrified and probably resentful if they actually get the role and discover that without you warning them.

All this mealy mouthed 'oh it's unprofessional' can fuck right off, the manager is an unprofessional arsehole and clearly isn't getting any kickback about it.

There's that as well! I can't let them walk into a situation where they are unprepared for it being difficult - the manager likes to put on a very different persona outside the team so it all looks very lovely and happy. The reality is different.

OP posts:
CucumberBagel · 27/02/2025 15:09

Does her name begin with R?

Absolutely warn people. I wish someone had warned me.

Never2many · 27/02/2025 15:15

Do think about how warning them might affect you. Presumably you may be needing a reference from this company at some point, so if you’re putting it out there how awful it is you could find yourself without one which will affect your future job prospects.

It’s all very well saying that people should be warned, but people aren’t to be trusted. And if their experience isn’t the same of yours there’s every chance it could get back to her.

I don’t disagree with your thinking, I’ve worked for a real bitch in the past and would have loved nothing more than to land her in it when I left. But getting out was my priority. And as selfish as it sounds, you have to look out for yourself, because no-one else is going to do it.

Original poster
Rivari · 28/02/2025 20:57

CucumberBagel · 27/02/2025 15:09

Does her name begin with R?

Absolutely warn people. I wish someone had warned me.

No it doesn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rivari · 28/02/2025 20:58

Never2many · 27/02/2025 15:15

Do think about how warning them might affect you. Presumably you may be needing a reference from this company at some point, so if you’re putting it out there how awful it is you could find yourself without one which will affect your future job prospects.

It’s all very well saying that people should be warned, but people aren’t to be trusted. And if their experience isn’t the same of yours there’s every chance it could get back to her.

I don’t disagree with your thinking, I’ve worked for a real bitch in the past and would have loved nothing more than to land her in it when I left. But getting out was my priority. And as selfish as it sounds, you have to look out for yourself, because no-one else is going to do it.

No, I'm freelance usually and I work for myself. Currently I'm doing something completely unrelated to that role and I'm unlikely to need her for a reference in future as I've plenty of other people I could ask.

OP posts:
Thunderpants88 · 28/02/2025 21:01

I would tell the truth but ONLY on a phone call. I would 100% not put it in writing eg a text or email