Should I stop children’s Dad from seeing them I am at breaking point

Lollipop81 · 2025-02-26T17:17:54+00:00

So I was in an abusive coercive controlled relationship for almost 10 years, split up 3 years ago but have 2 children together. He is like a child himself and will never be the consistent Dad who has his kids every other weekend, he refuses to have them overnight as he cannot stand the thought of me going out, that type of thing. To keep my children happy I have bent over backwards to make sure he is still in their lives, allowing him to see them in my home. He continues to be abusive and disrespectful (towards me never ever towards the children that is something I wouldn’t ever tolerate for anything) so now I will not allow him in my home. However, when he has them for a few hours it is so stressful, he turns up ringing the door bell shouting at me through the letterbox calling me names as I won’t let him in and he is early so he needs to wait whilst the kids are getting ready. Whilst he was just getting the kids into the car he has just shouted it’s the kids your hurting you know, it’s like he is putting on a pretence so the neighbours can hear. It is so stressful I have just sat and cried. This is how I feel every time I have contact with him. What on earth do I do from here? Any help or ideas, please bear in mind he isn’t the average civil adult so normal ideas don’t apply.

Halfemptyhalfling · 26/02/2025 17:23

Is there a relative or friend who can do the handover so he doesn't come to your house?

Perhaps stop being proactive about contact and he will stop bothering

StrawberryWater · 26/02/2025 17:23

Ring the police every damn time he is abusive towards you.

Should you stop him seeing the kids?

I wouldn't stop the contact as it could work against you (sadly courts still like to give bozos like him endless chances) or he could get worse but I would put measures in place. Never be alone when he picks up the kids or better yet find someone who can do pick ups and drop offs (a relative or friend) and never let him in or on your property again. Use a neutral venue.

MojoMoon · 26/02/2025 17:23

You need to speak to a solicitor.

An agreement can be put in place regarding access including where it takes place and what the arrangements for children to be handed over and returned.

This could involve a third party like a relative taking the children and returning them or something like a supervised contact centre in more extreme cases.

Again: speak to a solicitor.
It does not have to be like it currently is but you also cannot entirely veto his access to his children forever.

Glorybox2025 · 26/02/2025 17:24

Absolutely not unreasonable. Have you ever had support from a domestic abuse service?

Original poster

Lollipop81 · 26/02/2025 17:25

MojoMoon · 26/02/2025 17:23

You need to speak to a solicitor.

An agreement can be put in place regarding access including where it takes place and what the arrangements for children to be handed over and returned.

This could involve a third party like a relative taking the children and returning them or something like a supervised contact centre in more extreme cases.

Again: speak to a solicitor.
It does not have to be like it currently is but you also cannot entirely veto his access to his children forever.

That’s the thing I wouldn’t want them not to see their Dad, despite what he is they love him and I don’t want them hurt. He just makes it so difficult.
Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:

OttersAreMySpiritAnimal · 26/02/2025 17:26

I'd also be recording every interaction, in addition to seeing a solicitor.

Original poster

Lollipop81 · 26/02/2025 17:26

Glorybox2025 · 26/02/2025 17:24

Absolutely not unreasonable. Have you ever had support from a domestic abuse service?

No I tried to contact women’s Aid during Covid when things were particularly bad but no answer. Do you have any recommendations?

OP posts:

Almostwelsh · 26/02/2025 17:28

If you stop contact that will give him the opportunity to take you through the courts and that may well play into his hands.

See a solicitor to see if you can arrange handover somewhere other than your home and make sure you're not at home that day, so he can't just turn up early.

teenmaw · 26/02/2025 17:29

I was in exactly the same position as you and I SO wish I'd stopped contact. Once they're older and he's lost control of you he will absolutely start on them. His manipulation will be subtle but will already have done, and will continue to cause them harm even if you don't see it now. Honestly run for the hills with your kids.

Glorybox2025 · 26/02/2025 17:29

Lollipop81 · 26/02/2025 17:26

No I tried to contact women’s Aid during Covid when things were particularly bad but no answer. Do you have any recommendations?

Show quote history

It really depends who has the contract in your area - can you google it? You definitely need some proper support.

Glorybox2025 · 26/02/2025 17:31

Almostwelsh · 26/02/2025 17:28

If you stop contact that will give him the opportunity to take you through the courts and that may well play into his hands.

See a solicitor to see if you can arrange handover somewhere other than your home and make sure you're not at home that day, so he can't just turn up early.

Not likely if the only way he wants to see the children is at her house! OP wants the children to see him but away from her home. How would a court application backfire? No court will say he should be able to come to her house for contact.

teenmaw · 26/02/2025 17:31

And if he takes you to court, good. He'll have to stop dicking you about

ScarlettSunset · 26/02/2025 17:36

My exh was like this.

I suspect he didn't really want to see our child but he also didn't want to be 'the bad guy'. I'm pretty sure he WANTED me to stop access so he didn't have to see them but could complain to everyone else how it was my fault.

Like you though, I bent over backwards to enable and facilitate contact. Looking back , i wish I hadn't. I should have seen a solicitor and tried to get something official put in place.

Get professional advice as soon as you can.

Quitelikeit · 26/02/2025 17:37

He is abusing your children though by abusing you in front of them 🤦‍♀️

Once he has dropped the children off home text him along the lines of

You have continued to be abusive towards me in front of the children which scares and upsets them. If this happens one more time then I will not allow you to take the children and you will have to take me to court for access.

I am also going to get a ring door bell to record all episodes of verbal abuse and this will be used in court should it get to that.

This is my final warning.

^^^ that should help shut him up - if it doesn’t then simply don’t entertain him having the kids until he can act like a grown up

Original poster

Lollipop81 · 26/02/2025 17:49

Quitelikeit · 26/02/2025 17:37

He is abusing your children though by abusing you in front of them 🤦‍♀️

Once he has dropped the children off home text him along the lines of

You have continued to be abusive towards me in front of the children which scares and upsets them. If this happens one more time then I will not allow you to take the children and you will have to take me to court for access.

I am also going to get a ring door bell to record all episodes of verbal abuse and this will be used in court should it get to that.

This is my final warning.

^^^ that should help shut him up - if it doesn’t then simply don’t entertain him having the kids until he can act like a grown up

Well I’ve never looked at it like that, he is abusing them by abusing me. Yes you are totally right, that has made me even more determined to get this horrible messy situation sorted out. Thank you.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 26/02/2025 18:06

Tell his abuse of you stops else he will no longer be able to come to your home any longer and he will have to find a 3rd party to collect and drop off the DC.

Are you DC old enough to walk to and from his car by themselves? In which case he has to sit and wait in the car and message you.

Move all communication onto a court approved app only.

MojoMoon · 26/02/2025 18:17

A solicitor is definitely required but just to reiterate that you can change this situation.

A legal agreement needs to be in place regarding access and communication.
There are apps like MyFamilyWizard that would allow you to communicate and share information regarding school, health, routines but it is all able to be monitored.

This means he would have no need and no right to communicate with you via phone, Whatsapp, social media.

You do not need to "bend over backwards" to facilitate his contact with the children.
If the legal agreement states he has access every Saturday afternoon for four hours and his aunt collects them from you and takes them to him, then if he fails to do this, it is on him.

You shouldn't unilaterally block his access to the kids if he is not a danger to them but you don't need to pander to him to try and make him continue to see them but only on his terms.

If he cannot be bothered to see his kids in an organized way, then his absence is no great loss to your kids. They will come to understand in time that you put in place a structure that would allow him to parent them and he couldn't be bothered. They might be a little sad but they are sad that they have a shit dad - not that you have put in place some boundaries. Unfortunately they will just have to come to terms with having a shit dad at some point.

YourWildAmberSloth · 26/02/2025 18:21

Get a Ring doorbell to record his behaviour. Ask for visits to take place at a contact centre. Get an injunction which prevents him from visiting your home. He is still controlling and abusing you - he needs to be stopped.

Original poster

Lollipop81 · 26/02/2025 18:36

MojoMoon · 26/02/2025 18:17

A solicitor is definitely required but just to reiterate that you can change this situation.

A legal agreement needs to be in place regarding access and communication.
There are apps like MyFamilyWizard that would allow you to communicate and share information regarding school, health, routines but it is all able to be monitored.

This means he would have no need and no right to communicate with you via phone, Whatsapp, social media.

You do not need to "bend over backwards" to facilitate his contact with the children.
If the legal agreement states he has access every Saturday afternoon for four hours and his aunt collects them from you and takes them to him, then if he fails to do this, it is on him.

You shouldn't unilaterally block his access to the kids if he is not a danger to them but you don't need to pander to him to try and make him continue to see them but only on his terms.

If he cannot be bothered to see his kids in an organized way, then his absence is no great loss to your kids. They will come to understand in time that you put in place a structure that would allow him to parent them and he couldn't be bothered. They might be a little sad but they are sad that they have a shit dad - not that you have put in place some boundaries. Unfortunately they will just have to come to terms with having a shit dad at some point.

Very good advice. Thank you.

OP posts:

tellmesomethingtrue · 26/02/2025 18:37

Can you get a ring doorbell so it can record the collection and how he is?

Starlight7080 · 26/02/2025 18:43

YourWildAmberSloth · 26/02/2025 18:21

Get a Ring doorbell to record his behaviour. Ask for visits to take place at a contact centre. Get an injunction which prevents him from visiting your home. He is still controlling and abusing you - he needs to be stopped.

This is good advice.
You may want them to have a relationship with him. But his behaviour will already be damaging them