Feeling strange before first date

[lavenderdusk]

Frequent poster but I have NC as other posts are outing.

I've recently dipped my toe back into the online dating world. I've promised myself that I am getting my standards high and any signs of red flags and I end the chat immediately, it's going ok so far.

I'm due to be meeting a guy for a date tomorrow, we had initially arranged to meet at the weekend and then he suggested a "pre date" during the week (coffee) to see if we liked each other ahead of the date.. this does seem reasonable as I don't like the idea of wasting a weekend evening on someone I am not keen on!

Anyway, the texting from him has been quite a lot... he will text and then if I don't reply straight away, he will text again.

A couple of things he has said has made me wince a little...

He mentioned he was out walking his dog yesterday and burst into tears and didn't know why.

I don't have any issue with a man having emotions at all, but I can't help but wonder what the motives are behind sharing this?

Also, he only split with his wife summer last year, they're living separately and sharing children but he has mentioned a few times the situation is not amicable, and then he made a comment about being relieved about not having to deal with his ex-MIL anymore. Again, I get how things go with a divorce but it feels like maybe he's still in the thick of it all.

He also keeps referring to me as "a big green flag" and saying things like "the fact you have said this tells me what kind of amazing person you are".

It all feels a bit much, too soon. I am not long out of a relationship with a narcissist who lovebombed the life out of me before dropping me like a brick, so I don't know if I'm being overly cautious? I just feel like cancelling the date.

He's not giving off the vibes of someone settled, sorted and ready to date. It'll be complicated if you get involved ,I don't think it's what you need, side step .

If you want to cancel then do.

I agree with what you've said, it would make me feel uneasy too.

I'd feel the same as you. Be a no from me.

If you aren't feeling it, don't bother.

Men having emotions are fine, but why is he telling you about bursting into tears? Either he doesn't understand that's weird (not the crying, but telling a stranger who he should be trying to show his best self) or he's trying to present an image of him being so in touch with his emotions, wow what a great guy. Or the flip side is he's unable to control his emotions and is planning on burdening you with it! Dates and pre dates should be fun, I'd be wondering if he's lining you up as a therapist rather than being a solid guy who is ready to date. I think difficulties with families or exes is a discussion for further down the line if you both know it's more serious, not something you want to hear about even prior to a date zero.

I’d be cancelling the date he sounds like he’s not ready to be dating anyone

Well he has put me off. His emotions seem very close to the surface probably around his break up so not ready. I get the feeling he is clinging to the idea of you like a life raft hence the green flag/amazing comments. Maybe benefit of doubt for a coffee if you aren't as put off as me?

No, no benefit of the doubt coffee. Listen to your instinct and throw this one back.

Thanks all

@CunkonEarth that's my concern, he's trying to present an image of someone in touch with his emotions etc but it all feels a bit heavy considering we haven't met yet!

@RaininSummer and yes, I am concerned he's not ready to be dating so soon. I can only remember where I was in my mindset in the months after my marriage ended, and even if I might have thought I was ready to date, I wasn't ready really. His divorce still isn't finalised and he's in the process of buying a house so my concern is he is looking for some kind of emotional life raft, and it's not what I want to be.

I'm going to cancel the coffee. I value my spare time and would rather do something else, I get the feeling it could all be a bit intense and I don't have the emotional bandwidth for it at the moment!

Just got to send the dreaded cancellation text now.... 🫣

Save yourself enduring a coffee during which you feel ‘Fuck, no’ the entire time, by saying a polite no now.

X-post. No need to dread it. You’re doing the right thing for you.

I think your instincts are right. He hasn't met you. He doesn't know what kind of a person you are so those are weird things to say or presume. He's also oversharing.

I don't expect he's going to take the cancellation well, meaning he's going to want further clarification from you. I can see you having to do some blocking.

Don’t be afraid to block him - send a polite “no thank you” and then don’t engage any further

Trust your instincts, go with your gut feeling

Jesus Christ OP, back out already. Over-texting, emotionally fragile and way over invested in you considering you haven't even met.

I cancelled the coffee date, I didn't mention the weekend date but I will be cancelling it too... I don't want to be feeling like this before I meet someone and I have been bitten before by not listening to my intuition! Thanks for the replies