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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by DH's comment

50 replies

FleursDeFilles · 26/02/2025 03:13

Probably irrationally annoyed. Need to write it out to vent and to be told I'm wrong. Just DH. DH was about to sleep on bed with a whole load of clothes just shoved to the foot of the bed. I asked why he didn't tidy it up before getting in the bed. To which he replied that it didn't bother him... And why didn't I tidy it given it's been there for days. DH sleeps in spare bedroom on days he needs to be up very early work the next day as DD is still in our bed and if she wakes up in the night it disturbs him. But it means I don't often go into the spare room and if I had remembered there were clothes in a heap I would have sorted it out. He then fell asleep whilst I went on a grumbling passive aggressive tour of the house putting away all the bits that have been left out for days. AIBU for getting annoyed with DH and his "why don't you put it away" comment. I'm a SAHM and I feel like I am FOREVER putting things away all day.

OP posts:
mamajong · 26/02/2025 10:41

Is there a bigger issue here, he wasn't bothered about a few clothes and they've been there for days, why are you bothered? It reads as though you went in there moaning while he was sleeping / trying to sleep, why not just wait for a better time and ask him to pop them on the floor or on a chair next time.

pinkdelight · 26/02/2025 10:46

I think why don't you put it away is a pretty standard follow on from someone saying that they've not put it away because it doesn't bother them. So it's more saying - you put it away if it's bothering you - rather than you put it away because it's your job to. If I was going to sleep and couldn't give a toss what's on the bed and someone came in and started on about what's on the bed, I'd probably say similar and and then go to sleep while they went on about it.

FartyAnimal · 26/02/2025 10:58

My husband never puts his clothes away either - I put mine away and leave his in a pile in the spare room. You should have put your daughter's stuff away and leave his - if he doesn't care, why should you?

Original poster
FleursDeFilles · 26/02/2025 12:30

I think it's three things bothering me that manifested in me taking it out on something a bit insignificant sounding:

  1. DH doesn't get ready for bed. For example, you might brush your teeth, get into PJs and get into bed in preparation to go to sleep. What he might do instead is sit and watch TV until he falls asleep on the sofa. He'll then wake up with a start late at night maybe around 1 or 2am, get up and flop into bed. If he had food when watching TV, the dirty dish may be left by the sofa or on the side of the sink. Basically he gets himself to a point where he is so tired he doesn't care if he's leaving a mess behind or in this particular case, he was so tired he got into bed and didn't care he was sleeping with all the clothes on the bed.
  1. It isn't so much that he didn't put the clothes away but that he couldn't even be bothered to put them to the side on the dresser or just anywhere. Maybe IABU in that I think you shouldn't sleep with stuff in the bed, only for it to get lost in there or jumbled up. I don't know what it is, but it reminds me a bit of what a lazy teenager would do or when you get into bed drunk and you don't care about anything else around you.
  1. DH has a habit of leaving things out. And when he said if it was bothering me so much, why don't I put it away.. I thought of all the things he has been leaving out lately and how I do put them away without saying anything. He said he has a reason for leaving them out eg. a spice jar was empty and he wanted to fill it up - but that was a week ago and it's been sat on the counter for a week. And often he will not get round to doing the thing and so the thing will just be sat out for ages and mean months, unless I prod him or more often than not, do it myself.

Anyway, this morning he apologised and gave me a hug and said he won't sleep in a bed with stuff in it.

Edit: sorry not sure why my numbered list all say that they are point number 1 - it was 1,2,3 and when I posted it it changed it all to 1

OP posts:
AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 26/02/2025 15:33

So he's kicked out of his own bed because you've still got DD in your bed? I'm not surprised he's grumpy.
I also would be grumpy if I was the only one working and yet didn't get to sleep in my own bed and was still expected to do the housework as well.

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 26/02/2025 15:38

@Simplynotsimple Looking after DC and giving them plenty of attention & care still allows time for basic housework such as laundry, tidying & vacuuming etc. To pretend that none of this is do-able just because you're looking after one child is laughable. I managed it whilst still interacting with my child and playing with her plenty. Even if I only spent her naps doing it, I still managed to get loads done.

Simplynotsimple · 26/02/2025 16:25

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 26/02/2025 15:38

@Simplynotsimple Looking after DC and giving them plenty of attention & care still allows time for basic housework such as laundry, tidying & vacuuming etc. To pretend that none of this is do-able just because you're looking after one child is laughable. I managed it whilst still interacting with my child and playing with her plenty. Even if I only spent her naps doing it, I still managed to get loads done.

You’re (deliberately) missing the point. This isn’t about doing a list of housework. This was one small pile of clothing (that the op had presumably washed, dried and folded) left in the spare room that she rarely goes into. How hard is it to see that and move it over when he goes to the room? The point is that not every single last chore is on the op because she’s a stay at home parent.

As for poor man being kicked out of his own bed, you’re completely changing the narrative to suit your trad-wives outlook. The op said in her opening post that he chooses to sleep in the spare room, no one makes him. I’m sure the op would like the bed to herself at times but you never know what kind of child you’ll have and some need that extra comfort for longer. The ins and outs of how much parenting the child needs is not what’s being discussed here.

HamptonPlace · 26/02/2025 17:06

YABVU. this requires inclusion in the dictionary under the idiom 'first world problems'. Your DH sounds like a normal man. You are extremely lucky if all he does is not put away a spice jar or not was his dishes at 1am!

HamptonPlace · 26/02/2025 17:10

justanotherimperfectmum2025 · 26/02/2025 10:40

Arrrgh! I have this problem with my DH! He leaves all HIS clothes on the floor of his side of the bed and doesn't sort them out. I never know whether they're clean or need washing!

I would outright refuse to do it as he's old enough to do it himself and you are NOT HIS MOTHER so why should you have to if he cannot be bothered?! I say to mine, "if it ain't in the basket, it ain't getting washed!"

"if it ain't in the basket, it ain't getting washed!" That's hardly an unusual approach? Isn't that what all adults do re washing clothes? Obvs different approach for children?

JustTalkToThem · 26/02/2025 17:16

You picked a fight and were successful.

Simplynotsimple · 26/02/2025 17:49

HamptonPlace · 26/02/2025 17:06

YABVU. this requires inclusion in the dictionary under the idiom 'first world problems'. Your DH sounds like a normal man. You are extremely lucky if all he does is not put away a spice jar or not was his dishes at 1am!

Normal men, easy to find them at the bottom of a barrel…

BuildbyNumbere · 26/02/2025 17:51

Yes you are at home all day … your work is in the home, so yes, you need to put things away.
why is your daughter in your bed anyway?

MybabyandI · 26/02/2025 20:00

I had the same problem. Then he took to hanging them over the end of the bed and my make up chair. Every time they’re there, I heave them on to the floor, his side of the bed & tidy the rest of the house. If he has clean clothes, mixed with dirty, on the floor, that he needs to walk over to get to bed, after I’ve washed & dried them…tough! His issue, I’ve done my bit :))

Emmz1510 · 26/02/2025 23:02

Samesame47 · 26/02/2025 08:41

Your a SAHM your DH works, why aren’t you taking care of putting your DD’s stuff away?

Yes that’s right- because OP is a SAHM her DH doesn’t have to lift a single finger to do
anything around the house even down to such a simple thing as removing a few clothing items from the bed he is sleeping in.
Don’t talk such utter nonsense.

ImustLearn2Cook · 27/02/2025 06:49

BuildbyNumbere · 26/02/2025 17:51

Yes you are at home all day … your work is in the home, so yes, you need to put things away.
why is your daughter in your bed anyway?

😂😂😂😂 is this a joke? Sahps are very rarely at home all day every day. Children who go to nursery have social activities, educational activities and experiences, a wide variety of indoor/outdoor activities with a variety of equipment (including playground equipment) to support child development, provide for children’s needs, interests, strengths, weaknesses etc.

Most parents want to provide for their children’s needs and if they are providing it themselves rather than paying other people to do it for them… then they are not staying home all day every day with plenty of time up their sleeves.

BuildbyNumbere · 27/02/2025 08:02

ImustLearn2Cook · 27/02/2025 06:49

😂😂😂😂 is this a joke? Sahps are very rarely at home all day every day. Children who go to nursery have social activities, educational activities and experiences, a wide variety of indoor/outdoor activities with a variety of equipment (including playground equipment) to support child development, provide for children’s needs, interests, strengths, weaknesses etc.

Most parents want to provide for their children’s needs and if they are providing it themselves rather than paying other people to do it for them… then they are not staying home all day every day with plenty of time up their sleeves.

Show quote history

You have time to sort the house between activities. A few hours taking a child out during the day is not the same as being out at work for up to 12 hours a day sometimes. Most kids activities don’t start until at least 10 and finish by 3 to allow for school run. There’s time …

BuildbyNumbere · 27/02/2025 08:04

MybabyandI · 26/02/2025 20:00

I had the same problem. Then he took to hanging them over the end of the bed and my make up chair. Every time they’re there, I heave them on to the floor, his side of the bed & tidy the rest of the house. If he has clean clothes, mixed with dirty, on the floor, that he needs to walk over to get to bed, after I’ve washed & dried them…tough! His issue, I’ve done my bit :))

And do you do your bit in terms of paying the bills?

stanleypops66 · 27/02/2025 08:06

Wouldn't bother me. It was him getting into the bed not me. The clothes will still be there in the morning.

Hercisback1 · 27/02/2025 08:09

Your husband isn't in the wrong here. You should have put it away!

ItGhoul · 27/02/2025 08:17

So, you left a load of your DD’s stuff on the spare bed, that your husband sleeps in, and then got annoyed that it didn’t bother him to sleep on the bed while there were some clothes on it?

He was the one who was sleeping in the bed, and he wasn’t bothered, so why does it matter to you? You were the one who left them on what’s effectively his bed.

If I went and got ready for bed and had work in the morning and I then went in my bedroom to sleep and found someone else had left a pile of stuff on it, I wouldn’t want to start putting the stuff away either because I’m not going to be doing housework at bedtime, I’m just going to be getting into bed and sleeping.

Simplynotsimple · 27/02/2025 08:55

BuildbyNumbere · 27/02/2025 08:04

And do you do your bit in terms of paying the bills?

Edited
Show quote history

Its attitudes like this that mean men still treat women like unpaid maids/second mummies. Having a pay check doesn’t mean checking out of any housework what so ever. Single people don’t come home to laundry and wonder why the magic house fairy hasn’t dealt with it whilst they did a 9-5.

ThatMerryReader · 27/02/2025 08:57

You are a SAHM so it is your job to do it.

MybabyandI · 27/02/2025 09:24

Yes, I pay my own rent and bills. I run our family business from home too, whilst looking after our 7 month old.

BuildbyNumbere · 27/02/2025 09:38

Simplynotsimple · 27/02/2025 08:55

Its attitudes like this that mean men still treat women like unpaid maids/second mummies. Having a pay check doesn’t mean checking out of any housework what so ever. Single people don’t come home to laundry and wonder why the magic house fairy hasn’t dealt with it whilst they did a 9-5.

Show quote history

And it a bad attitude to chuck someone’s clothes on the floor and say that I’ve done my bit.
If you are in the home you should be working in the home while the other is out earning … whichever way round it is.

Simplynotsimple · 27/02/2025 10:00

BuildbyNumbere · 27/02/2025 09:38

And it a bad attitude to chuck someone’s clothes on the floor and say that I’ve done my bit.
If you are in the home you should be working in the home while the other is out earning … whichever way round it is.

Show quote history

It’s a bad attitude to take the clothes someone has wash/dries/put aside for you and not even bother to put them away. That poster had done their bit, not every single job in the home in down to the stay at home parent, some self responsibility is needed. That way, if and when the SAHP goes back to work, the other parent isn’t going to have a shock when they have to step up their part of the housework are they. And we won’t have a million threads from women saying how they’ve returned to work yet their husbands still won’t put in equal effort at home because they think it’s not their responsibility.

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