HELP, AIBU?😭

[Mamatothree123]

My ex and baby daddy has a new partner of a year now and has told me their relationship is toxic she’s controlling and when they argue it gets so nasty with shouting in each others faces and things being thrown across the room.. he has been telling me he’s not happy and he wants out so I’ve been patient with our daughter going there for two days one night every week but now he’s telling me he doesn’t want to give up on the relationship so I have told him he can continue his relationship with our daughter but I don’t want her staying there overnight as I don’t want her around their relationship. He has gone absolutely nuts at me and cannot see it from my point of view at all, he shouted at me today in front of our daughter and was vile to me. I simply don’t want our daughter around their relationship I want to protect her and I don’t feel comfortable with it. AIBU?

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. I wouldn't want my child to witness a toxic mess of a relationship either.

YANBU and if he was any kind of father, he wouldn't want to expose his daughter to that environment either.

His argument is when our daughter is there nothing goes on, it usually happens when they drink and they don’t drink when he has our girl but I think it’s still a risk our daughter being around the type of people they can be together if that makes sense.

How frightening.
Absolutely don’t let her go there.

I don’t understand why he’s continuing to stay in the relationship, he’s arguing saying I’m making him choose between her and our daughter but surely given how awful their relationship is it should just be a given that he needs to leave her and focus on our girl!?

Quite frankly, there should be no choice between DD and GF! We all know who should be chosen in that situation.

I don't know why he complained and told you about his toxic relationship if he had no intention of ending it.

Have you got a court ordered custody agreement? It may be that you can't withhold your daughter or change the arrangements anyway.

If no court order, then you have to decide whats best for your child. Clearly your ex isn't considering or caring about what's best for her.

Do you have evidence of what he's said, texts or WhatsApp messages? If so, that's all you need x

OMG, what men will tolerate if the sex is "good"!! They often mistake toxic fruitcakes for interesting and exciting human beings. It takes them a long time to realise that they're dealing with a real nutter, and most of them seem incapable of doing anything about it.

Tell him to go to court if your arrangement is currently not formalised.

Be very careful where this is going. It sounds like you had a relatively good co-parenting relationship, you need to maintain that as best you can for your daughter... fighting, courts, it's not good for her.

You need to see the difference between protecting your daughter, and using your daughter as a bargaining chip to influence how your ex leads his life. He doesn't have to end his relationship, that's absolutely his choice. Your only part in it is the impact on your daughter. So don't think you can tell him to end it - that might be your opinion, it might be what he should do, but it's not your right to tell him. Sit down and have an adult conversation with him and work out what's safe for your daughter, and both of you be genuine in that. If you tell him to end his relationship, chances are he'll dig his heels in and stay with her longer just to assert himself. Try and support him through it, and work it together. You might meet someone he doesn't like one day, you don't want this reversed.