House move and stubborn partner

[6beachlover]

We bought our first house 2016 it was a diy project, good area and size however garden only at front no back to property (mid terrace) of 3 houses so neighbour has access via path! Also have a car garage over other side of our wall. Knew we would make money on it so knew it wasn’t our forever home! I’m at the point I want to move now, I want a drive, bigger garden and more privacy! House is done nice, partner doesn’t want to move and would prefer we stay with our small’ish mortgage and focus on saving money and enjoying life! I get it, however my heart was always set on having something a bit more - long for my own driveway etc it would mean we do have to increase our mortgage slightly but I feel he’s being greedy and I’m so torn and frustrated with this situation! I’ve said I’ll work extra hours go full time to cover additional rise on the mortgage! Any advice?

So you've been there nearly 10 years? I can totally understand you wanting to move.

Men are always happier to stay with the familiar known.

I'd start booking viewings on houses and just put yours on the market. He'll come around.

Thanks OP. Yes, nearly 10 years which is a reasonable amount of time!

I feel deflated trying to reason as to why we should move, have found a 3bed house I like, detached, big drive detached garage big gardens and reasonably ok interior! I see potential in the future for re-arranging the kitchen layout at the back I know we couldn’t do this right away as we’d already have to increase our mortgage 40k which we’d still be under 150k with our equity from ours- he argues we’d move with additional borrowing then I’d be unhappy after a bit with interior and want to borrow extra for doing it up! I’ve explained I know this would be something to do in the future and have to live with it how it is for a while. 😤Im worried we will miss an opportunity.

On paper, your requirements seem fair but hard to say..as many variables involved

• how comfortable are the current monthly payments
• any signs you guys might have pay rises in the future...or at the top of the careers
• you seem to admit that the house might need bigger refurbishments in the future/potentially needing to borrow more money (rather then using savings)

I would definitely not count on doing extra shifts to get the extra money as that would only will make his worries of not enjoying life worse.

Why dont you keep bringing the subject and show him houses that maybe would be ready to live in and wouldn't need much apart from decoration? (And of course that would remain affordable and not put pressure on any of you having to work extra hours or cut on anything of the current lifestyle)

I’m going to go against the majority here and say that on the surface I think YABU OP as no one should be pressured into financial commitments they are not comfortable with.

Have a proper look at the numbers and how much extra the kind of house you would want will cost you (not just mortgage but also to run/maintain etc) and then you both need to decide if it’s worth it.

I’ve tried doing it in a good comfortable way explaining where any rises are council tax were we could cut back such as our car payment we pay for a brand new car, I’ve said I’m happy to get a lower priced used car etc! Council tax would go up £40 other than that it should be like for like rest of the bills wise. When I say extra shifts I mean go from 30 hours to 37 I work term time and could just increase hours potentially.

I added stamp duty based on new rate and additional mortgage charge fee into the calculations so that’s included in the extra mortgage payment. Moving costs we could manage that with a van rental! House is same area as I like our area don’t want to leave it, just wanted to slightly upgrade!

He’s a worry’er always has been! Will just have to have a good think and chat and see where things go, maybe hold off a little longer!

Thanks, yes I’ve factored in as many of the costs i could think of. I see potential for future renovations but was happy to wait to do them, kids would be older, could be in a full time 52 week job earning a bit more, with potential of more savings. Just wanted to get the forever home knowing we then had plenty of time to do any work with no rush so to speak. It’s got to be a joint decision I know that I appreciate any advice given.

Just call him out on being so negative and worrying - keep talking about the positives.

Honestly he'll likely never agree so just book a few bookings and surge ahead!

My husband did not want to move, I hated the house we were in (lived there 15 years so I gave it a go!).
I snapped one morning on the way work when he said we wouldn't be able to afford to put the heating on over the winter (huge, drafty victorian terraced), I have health issues that mean I feel the cold anyway...so I told him I was moving with or without him, he was welcome to join me but I was moving by hook or by crook!
We have been in our new, lovely and warm house for 6 months now!

Aw glad to hear you got there! So our house is a mid terrace cottage built 1800s it’s 2 houses knocked into one so kitchen and living room are big and have 2 radiators in each room! I always feel the cold and find out heating expensive! In summer our house stays cool, one of the reasons I want to move I would hope a newer house would be a bit warmer! We also have a cellar it’s decent size but not converted so cold down there too! I can always hope and see how I get on 🤞

Stay.

Spread your risk, put extra money into a pension instead of property.

Your situation does sound a lot like mine, we also had a large cellar that ran under the kitchen and living room!
Basically, short of spending 10's of thousands of pounds trying to insulate it we would never have got it warm enough for me.
We actually have bought a smaller property in exactly the same layout as our old house- just no cellar! It's really lovely sitting at night without shivering under 3 different blankets and my feet being ice cold all night😊

Hi OP, my husband was exactly the same.
He didn't want to move (we live where he grew up and family are 5 mins away) and was happy with our cosy home.
I've wanted out for years, I've been sending him RM links to lovely houses throughout those years and he's made small comments but the one we're buying he had a complete different reaction to, he said he "loved it" and that it was his "dream home".. I asked if he can book a viewing, he booked, we viewed, he loved it even more after viewing, we agreed to put an offer in and it got accepted.
At that point I only liked the property, it took me a few days after to come around to it but I grow to love things and knew it wouldn't take me long to love it. I was exactly the same with our current home. Now I can't stop talking about the new house.

Maybe sit down with him when you're both relaxed and show him some houses to show him what's available.
He might just automatically be on the defence like my husband was but once he saw there was something better he soon changed his mind. It also helped that the location we're moving to is my husband's favourite location and it's closer to his work, further for me but I don't mind the extra commute. It's all about compromise.

I do have to point out that if a woman came on here saying she was settled in the house she was living in and didn't want to move but that her husband had booked viewings and had put the house on the market (as some posters have suggested the OP do), there would be all hell on saying how unreasonable he was to be trying to bully the poster into moving and that it was abusive behaviour and she should LTB.

Literally this! 🙌😅 Dressing gown on and sofa blankets! I love warmth and hate cold 🥶 I’d of moved to Australia if we could (was discussed last year and started collecting docs to start the process) but we can’t! Not my choice, I’d go tomorrow! Again down to him 😫 🌞

Yea get it, that’s why it’s a joint decision and I won’t be just putting it on! I do get some people are worriers and sometimes need a kick up the backside which is him and he just needs some encouragement! Everything always works out wheareas if he always thinks the worst we would never do anything, never leave the comfort zone, which I think he’s stuck in!

Aw lovely to hear that! So I do send him RM links and he says I’m just bombarding him! He would never book a viewing, I organised all trades people etc for doing our house up! I feel If I didn’t nothing would be done tbh left to him! Which I get so frustrated with, he says I have more time which yea I do!

He’s not happy in his job either and wants to change trades which I’ve said I’m happy if that’s what he wants to do I wouldn’t get in the way of anything in that sense, so I feel he’s pushing back because of this too the stress of job and a potential house move! I’ll just have to hold my breath and hope for the best! ☠️😅

I don’t want to have to live in a house I’m not 100% happy with for another 31 years till I draw my pension! I get what you’re saying, but also property makes money aswel, only ever goes up in value normally so I’d say it’s an investment too!

They really wouldn't.

Plus it wouldn't happen the other way around, a lot of men are totally happy to stay put, unmotivated and often pushed by more intelligent, go-getting wives.

Once they've moved, I bet OPs husband will be saying what a great idea it was of his.

I can 100% agree for my situation, hit the nail on the head 😂 I know all peoples are different, I’m definitely the go getter, whilst he sits in his comfort zone worrying! 🤦🏼‍♀️

If he has mentioned about changing jobs, maybe drive that forward for him so he's got that to focus on and once that's done then look into moving? Hopefully he'll be in a better mind frame about moving once he's changed jobs.

There will be many houses you will see, love and miss out on because the timing wasn't right. I know that after wanting to move for years but my "nagging" soon wore my husband down 🤣 but in all seriousness get him to change jobs if he is serious about that.

Yes, defo feel like a Naggin wife 😂