What do you want for your birthday?

[ForRealCat]

I know I am lucky to receive birthday presents, but I really hate this question.

I go to great effort to pick nice gifts for my family, I wish they would give the same effort back. For years I have batted away this question and then at the last minute had to give a really uninspiring answer, when it becomes apparent my mother who feels obliged to give me a gift hasn't bothered to buy anything and is now getting angry- that I wont tell her what to buy.

What I really want is for someone to give a damn, put in some thought and some effort and buy me something kind.

YANBU

I hate it. But I've been told here before that I'm grabby and ungrateful.

I've also been told that many people find it anxiety-inducing to have to think of presents for people for themselves.

I've also been told that many people are worried about buying the wrong thing that will end up in landfill.

So, I think you're YANBU. But you'll get your arse handed to you here, OP. Good luck.

I love being asked, rather than ending up with stuff I don’t need/want.

I feel exactly the same OP. I would rather someone just chose to get me some flowers and a card than the mine field of suggesting my own gifts. I'd never suggest anything expensive but nowadays we all just buy ourselves the little things we want.
I normally just say a voucher or something now.

I would much rather be asked than to be given a surprise that I don't want so I guess this is down to personal preference.

But after 20 years of saying "I don't know" or "I'm sure I'll love whatever you choose" surely my personal preference of wanting someone to put in a little effort should be known?

Like a previous poster said, I'd rather a bunch of flowers and a nice card than my whole family admitting they can't be arsed.

Nothing, tbh. If I want it I buy it and I find I don't want a lot recently.

I have family members who go to a lot of effort to buy, what they think are, nice thoughtful gifts for me. I invariably don't like them - though I can always see why they would think I would like it.

I would tend to ask people what they want because I don't want things I buy going into a big pile of stuff they don't like but feel too guilty to throw away.

I love it when someone really knows me and gets me something unexpected that I love. DH is good at that. But nobody else really knows what to get me which is partly my own fault for not knowing what I want either! I do like a surprise though so I now tell people to go to DH and ask him for ideas. Sometimes he says a lot of people have asked him and is there anything specific- which is always nice when I’m running low on my favourite perfume or favourite wine! My go-to thing to ask for is vouchers to my favourite restaurant- and I always remember who gave them to me and either send them a photo and a thank you when I go or invite them to come with me!

I'd struggle with that. I'd think I was being really boring if I just got you flowers but I wouldn't know what else to get. I don't think I've ever in my life felt I'd blight something actually really wanted. I have no idea what people want.

I hate getting anything myself and getting the wrong thing for someone else makes me really sad and stressed. So yeah, I will ask.

If you really just want flowers then great but I don't get why anyone would so I'd need to be convinced you meant it!

As I said it's a personal preference as I would hate someone turning up with a bunch of flowers and I would consider that a thoughtless gift as anybody could choose that and it's not much effort going to the supermarket and grabbing whatever they have.

Do you comment on things throughout the year, maybe this could be a way of trying to get a surprise but one that is what you would like 'oh I love seeing the daffodils this time of year. They really brighten up a room'. 'just finished that box of chocolates I had at Christmas. They were a real treat'. 'i love the smell of X perfume'. 'i love silver earrings, I wear them all the time'.
You wouldn't know if someone did pick up on any of these hints but maybe it could help.

I'm not brilliant at presents myself - though I do better than some - so I don't mind telling people what I'd like. In fact i prefer it. It does mean I have a lot of high end soap, massage vouchers and bottles of Cava. But I'll never be unhappy to have those.

It is very difficult when you really want something, ask for it and don't get it. But if anything that might happen to me less than it used to, partly because there's not much I want.

I think what I hate is the idea that no one knows me, or cares. I have a boyfriend (early days), but I just want one long-term person in my life to put in a little thought.

With flowers, I wouldn't ask for them, I'd just be happier with flowers arriving, rather than the idea that no one wants to put in time and effort to pick something for me.

Quite frankly, if your asking me for what I want I'd rather you just send me some cash to overpay my mortgage!!!

The only thing I want is to think that someone cares enough to put in a little thought!

I have one coming up and have asked for a weekend away.

Completely agree, it shows real lack of care to not be able to think of something

I know what you mean. I mention things I like, look at things I like, even point out things I like - and still get the question 'what would you like?' What I would like is for someone to bloody listen when I am saying what I enjoy, what I need and what I would like, rather than nodding along and then asking me what I want.

My eldest DD is autistic and doesn't like surprises, so she sends everyone a link to her Amazon wish list, which solves the problem.

I have a wish list on Amazon and I just add things to it through the year. If someone wants to know what to buy me I send them the link to the wish list, if they buy directly through that then it deletes the item so avoids duplicate purchases.
Ok it's not the same as the giver choosing something personal for me but it means I get a gift I like and no hassle.

I care about lots of people. Still doesn't mean I know what to get them if they aren't explicit. I can spend hours and hours looking online at stuff or walking round shops and just getting really stressed out because I cannot convince myself I'm picking anything good.

DH picks all DC's presents. He's so much better at it.

I also hate the question and to be honest never really know how to answer it. Whatever the answer may be, I would never know if it is reasonable as everyone has varying financial circumstances. I never ask anyone and just prefer it if people didn't ask me. If someone wants to buy a gift (any gift), then just do it and if you don't, no problem but don't ask.

Appreciate we are all different but that's my preference anyway, and that's what I do.

This is why my DC don't even know when my birthday is. They know the rough time of year but I don't want them to ever feel the stress of thinking they need to pick something for me and not get it right.

Can see both sides really. It’s nice to receive thoughtful gifts you weren't expecting. But on the other hand, I tend to feel a bit awkward when someone (other than DH) asks me what I want because I don’t want to suggest anything that would be out of the gift giver’s budget.

What really annoys me is when my mum asks me days before any of my 3 DC’s birthday what they would like. I make some suggestions and then it arrives (usually directly from Amazon or wherever they’ve orders it from) and I have to wrap it myself.

I think it annoys me because they make zero effort to get to know their grandchildren. If they did then they wouldn’t need to ask what to get them.

Sorry to derail, just needed to rant!

Conpletely agree about wanting please to put a bit of thought and effort into finding a gift. Asking you for ideas feels like they’re outsourcing the work onto you. Suggest you respond to questions about what you’d like by telling them that you’d like a surprise.

I'm the same OP. Put loads of effort into gifts I give (and am happy to do so!) but I'm lucky if anyone remembers at all, let alone if it's something that is thoughtful/I like rather than a generic gift set.