Tell me your Online dating red flags

[Oldfailed]

I've posted before on my very miserable foray into Online Dating - about 6 months now. Keen to now recalibrate my expectations now, especially by understanding what other women's red flags are, to avoid my wasting any more time on dates that are doomed before they start. I have never before tried OLD since met my ex husband in real life.

Tldr version- 45 year old single mother of 2, professional career - work long hours. Size 12/14 on a bad day. Look presentable, reasomably well groomed. Looking for regular dates, potentially long term relationships but not marriage / cohabitation. On bumble and hinge. Lots of matches. I filter aggressively and meet those I can (who haven't told me their kinks, seem reasonably interesting). Set a broad age range - 35 to 49 on the apps.

I have met probably 15 people so far and try to do this asap. I use education + career to filter (proxy for interests, hobbies). only 3 I thought were promising - one ghosted me right after the first date- fine. This was after weeks of texting (due to work related travel, hols) so can be expected. The second - was very flakey and fizzled out within a few dates, qas always late turning up, cancelled last minute.

Third - met him 5 times over a month- nice restaurants, I always go dutch. He was super affectionate, kept talking about how we connected, kissed but no occasion for anything else so far. He scheduled our next dinner for this week, and within 6 hours of that chat, told me he had found someone else with better chemistry so- goodbye and good luck and I should stop contacting him right away.

I was gobsmacked. All that love bombing and regular messages, chats - and significant time invested for both of us. I imagine my time constraints were worse than his since he has grown up children and mine still young.

It's totally getting me down and making me lose any self confidence left. After years of an abusive marriage which ended a year ago (separated for a number of years before that), it seems I'm not good enough for anyone - which is what my ex husband has always told me anyway.

Should I just give up? I haven't met anyone in real life, through work. I have absolutely no time to indulge in hobbies outside work and kids. Even meeting people on dates takes some planning on my side although I try not to bore them with the minutiae.

Or should I persevere but redefine my red flags based on those more experienced than me? So many posters on MN seem to indicate they met their partners on OLD - I guess they are probably all younger than me. I'm really struggling as a 45 year old to find people who appreciate me and won't waste my time with repeat dates not going anywhere.

You need a tough skin for online dating and it's a numbers game. You need to get used to people with bad manners and being ghosted.

Don't message for ages, message enough to know if you want to meet then meet for a coffee to see if there's a spark.

Are you going to have time for a relationship? It seems like it's a struggle just to arrange a date, never mind meet someone on a regular basis.

Red flags:
Unwanted sexual talk
Late/flaky
Crazy ex
Doesn't ask you about you
Tight
Boring
No sense of humour
Complains
Rude

Other than the obvious, no clear pictures, no blurb etc. it's really hard to separate the wheat from the chaff online as people can lie so easily. To be fair they can also lie, love bomb etc. even if you meet in real life.

I'm the same age as you but have my filters set 40-58, tend to find the ones 35-45 have usually not so long since come out of a marriage and are generally looking for a good time rather than a long time (though they'll tell you they are looking for long term commitment!!!). The 50+ guys seem more ready to potentially settle down.

Guess it all comes down to what it is you are really looking for. Absolutely nothing wrong in looking short term for now (or forever) and just enjoy going out dating and meeting new people rather than putting pressure on yourself that one of them has to turn into something longer term.

It is not that you are "not good enough for anyone", it's that people do behave badly on dating apps, men and women I am told. I hear that Burned Haystack Dating Method on Facebook is a good resource re. spotting red flags on dating profiles. I just posted yesterday about a bad dating experience, and when I went back and checked on his profile, I noticed he had not selected a relationship type preference (Hinge), so maybe he was just open to anything he could get. Other OPs referenced that he'd trashed his ex as a red flag, I can see how that looks unaccountable now. Logan Ury's How Not to Die Alone (terrible title) is a good reference book. She's the behavioural scientist for Hinge, and also was on Later Daters on Netflix. She talks a lot about defining your deal breakers and how to evaluate a date after the event, and how to be definite about what you are looking for, and stick to that. She also says "fuck the spark," in that sometimes people can grow on you after more than one date. Don't give up yet!

Why post this on AIBU @Oldfailed ?!!

There's a Dating board on Mumsnet with loads of traffic:

https://www.mumsnet.com/discover/dating

There's even a Relationships board?!

This is the problem right here:

"All that love bombing and regular messages, chats - and significant time invested for both of us."

If by regular messages you mean multiple times per day, everyday, you need to stop that stuff. These people are strangers and those types are always time wasters in my experience. Why would you spend so much time communicating with a stranger? Its odd and the guys who do it are odd. Add over texting to your filters.

No, you shouldn't give up. That said, OLD really is a numbers game and you kind of have to approach it like a job (if you want to find a partner over having fun). I write 'like a job' because you're scheduling meetings, having to listen to guys talk shit and hoping for some 'meetings' to end quickly. Also, it's like work because you should adopt the: hire slowly; fire 'fast' approach.

I think most men who are divorced and have kids won't be keen on something that reminds them of married life. They'll be after a good time = sex and engaging dates, whereas most women will want something sensible: nice and enjoyable dates where the man is being nice and if you build chemistry, it leads on to sex.

Would you consider joining hobby/interest groups like running, art or climbing, etc? I suggest this because you can meet guys in a non-romantic / date setting and their minds won't be in 'romance/sex' mode. You can get to know the men in your hobby group as friends, scope them out a bit and see how they interact with others, whereas in the world or OLD it's harder to get to know them and it takes longer.

I'm sorry to hear about your recent experience with those 3 dates. Men tend to date several women at once while we women are more likely to date men in a linear fashion, so that probably explains the whole 'I've met someone else with more chemistry'.

Awful things like that happen with OLD. As others have mentioned: you need a thick skin and it can be brutal: men who lie, say what you want to hear; men who are sexually aggressive and assertive. There's a lot to navigate. However, of course there are good eggs as well...

Now,... to finally answer your question: screen for guys who are respectful towards you and your boundaries. Go for men who don't seem to want to hide something and who are transparent. Look for emotional maturity and for someone who shows you they're responsible with finances and good towards children - someone who does not play games.
This is if you want a decent partner. We're all different and some women prefer men who are full of drama, 'excitement' and games but each to their own. You do what you feel like and I wish you good luck.

I've just noticed you wrote that you have no time for hobbies. Maybe stop OLD for a couple of months and try a hobby instead (I'm assuming if you can spare an hour to go on a date you can attend a hobby group instead).

Of course, I will make time for a relationship. It is the initial meetings which go nowhere which seem to be a waste of time and difficult to show enthusiasm for. That said, I do expect any potential man I spend time with to understand that spontaneous plans don't work for someone with children. Many of these men don't have children and have no sympathy that some of my weekends are busy. Or things like half term holidays interfere with "weekly dates".

I see advice on other threads which says - wait till the kids are grown up / late teens. Which seems a little callous to me (and mostly comes from people who are in relationships already) since that doesn't solve the more immediate need for companionship for many of us who may be really lonely and looking for it.

The hobby group route may have to be considered as a means to an end but I don't particularly want to spend time on the hobby part of it. And it will definitely take more time to find someone that route (if at all) since one is starting further upstream in the dating funnel.