Whingey, crying child. Advice

AtWitsEnd21 · 2025-02-25T07:05:50+00:00

Posting for traffic. Has anyone any advice on coping when you have a whingey child? DS is 17m. He cried all the time for the entire first year of his life. He had reflux which he was medicated for and eventually grew out of. From about 1 on the crying has become an almost incessant whinge. It is a constant drone and I’m finding it really hard to cope. We went to a soft play yesterday and I was really struck by how much more quiet and content other children are. I have of course had him assessed by GP but no signs of illness or injury. No indication of ND ( I work in this area and would recognise the characteristics should they appear). Eats well, drinks well. Plenty of language for his age. i know it’s probably just his temperament but I’m finding it so hard to cope with the constant sound of him whinging. There are times I feel like my sanity has really been tested

Silvertulips · 25/02/2025 07:11

Then you need to tel him to use his words, that you can’t understand when he makes that noise - we used to do this at nursery school for these types of kids - often they would improve during school time, but would turn into wingers for parents.

It’ll take a couple of weeks - but it can be done.

Often they continue to do what works for them, you need to show him it doesn’t work.

Original poster

AtWitsEnd21 · 25/02/2025 07:42

Silvertulips · 25/02/2025 07:11

Then you need to tel him to use his words, that you can’t understand when he makes that noise - we used to do this at nursery school for these types of kids - often they would improve during school time, but would turn into wingers for parents.

It’ll take a couple of weeks - but it can be done.

Often they continue to do what works for them, you need to show him it doesn’t work.

Thank you for this advice. Yes we think part of the problem is he’s learned that this is useful communication. We didn’t realise until someone came to the house and said he has us all wrapped around his finger, he cries and we all come running. I think that is borne out of desperation, we are all at our wits end listening to the crying and will do anything for it to stop

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Original poster

AtWitsEnd21 · 25/02/2025 11:15

Bumping for help from fellow whingey child parents!

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Notgivenuphope · 25/02/2025 11:16

Use your words please
ignore until he does
repeat repeat repeat. He will soon learn that this sort of behavior earns zero attention a gets him nowhere

Errors · 25/02/2025 11:19

He is very young.
You need to teach him that words are more effective in getting his needs met.
I did this with DS when he was about the same age - although he wasn’t ever whiny, I was mildly concerned his speech wasn’t coming along. So for example, if he wanted me to pass him his drink of milk and pointed at it and whinged, I would say
“say milk”
and as long as I could hear an attempt to say the word… like “mah” or something then I would pass t to him. His speech exploded after that as it clicked that words were very effective in getting what he wanted.

Errors · 25/02/2025 11:20

The good news is that he is so young. If he was 4 and behaving this way you’d have more of a battle to correct it. You’ve got plenty of time to change this

SeaToSki · 25/02/2025 11:20

I dont speak whine

Use your real words

Ignore him until he asks nicely

But also as he is so little, model what asking nicely is. So if you think he is whining for a drink for example, no DC I dont speak whine, if you want a drink just say please Mummy may i have a drink (or drink please!). And then ignore the whining for a few minutes and then repeat the modelling. If you get even a hint of less whine and a nicer ask then give him the drink with a well done for asking nicely. Build up from there to requiring more and more of a nice ask

verycloakanddaggers · 25/02/2025 11:20

Is he never calm? I'd be concerned rather than frustrated if never calm at all.

If he had reflux so badly, could be still have reflux and be in pain?

Lostworlds · 25/02/2025 11:22

My little girl can be like this and I just tell her flatly to use her words. She eventually realises we are not going to pander to every little whine and comes and asks us for what she wants.

I do model for her so she can understand what I’m asking and I repeat what she needs to do.

verycloakanddaggers · 25/02/2025 11:23

I'd be asking the doctor how they know he grew out of reflux vs. just not vomiting. Silent reflux can be very painful, can be linked to allergies.

ThejoyofNC · 25/02/2025 11:23

AtWitsEnd21 · 25/02/2025 07:42

Thank you for this advice. Yes we think part of the problem is he’s learned that this is useful communication. We didn’t realise until someone came to the house and said he has us all wrapped around his finger, he cries and we all come running. I think that is borne out of desperation, we are all at our wits end listening to the crying and will do anything for it to stop

Show quote history

OP you've answered your own question.

Why is he whinging? Because you've taught him that it works. Time to teach him the opposite.

RandomMess · 25/02/2025 11:25

I would also use baby sign language as well "use your words".

Lots of closed questions - "would you like to be picked up or would you like a drink". Presumably they are mobile so can find you when they would like something rather than needing to whinge for you to come to them?

We had one with undiagnosed silent reflux and the trigger of the crying is just horrid.

Mulledjuice · 25/02/2025 11:28

Errors · 25/02/2025 11:19

He is very young.
You need to teach him that words are more effective in getting his needs met.
I did this with DS when he was about the same age - although he wasn’t ever whiny, I was mildly concerned his speech wasn’t coming along. So for example, if he wanted me to pass him his drink of milk and pointed at it and whinged, I would say
“say milk”
and as long as I could hear an attempt to say the word… like “mah” or something then I would pass t to him. His speech exploded after that as it clicked that words were very effective in getting what he wanted.

This.

Also, given that it's not been totally plain sailing and that must have been tiring and frustrating is it possible that you could be more proactively modelling the generally sunny/contented demeanour that you'd like to see from him? Starting from first contact in the morning big smiles and a cuddle, positive noises, make him feel super-safe and comforted and attended to from the get-go?

I think it's really easy to get into a spiral of finding a small child's constant needs to be frustrating or exhausting when we've had a lot to deal with in a short space without respite, and we lose sight of how infectious our demeanour can be and how precious this time is.

Owlmama1345 · 25/02/2025 11:29

ThejoyofNC · 25/02/2025 11:23

OP you've answered your own question.

Why is he whinging? Because you've taught him that it works. Time to teach him the opposite.

Show quote history

Yes unfortunately this poster is correct I imagine you have taught him that crying = communication and getting what he wants.

This was obviously done with good intentions and you know he is still so little x

Errors · 25/02/2025 11:30

Don’t forget praising good behaviour as well! When he is calm/content/distracted then comment on how good he is being. Always did this with mine whener he was happily playing and he has never been a whinger

paristotokyo · 25/02/2025 11:35

My first was a total whinge bag. Also had reflux for the first year. I agree that once they can communicate their needs better, it does get easier! I was constantly saying 'use your words'. Mine is school age now and still has moments of whinging, especially when overtired/under the weather so I'm sure it is temperament, but it's no where near as bad as what he was like the first two years. It was a really hard transition period. When he feels understood he manages his emotions much easier. So hang in there!

Original poster

AtWitsEnd21 · 25/02/2025 14:21

Thanks for the replies.

To address the reflux comments, he was weaned off the medication over a period of months under medical supervision. He had a specific symptoms that were gradually resolved so I really don’t think it’s a reflux issue.

Really great and helpful advice about modelling and praising- thank you I could definitely be better at this. For example if he is trying to open something his default is to come to me with the object and let out an almighty whinge even though he can say open and while I always encourage him to use language I don’t necessarily praise him for doing so. I take that on board and will try to improve. The closed questions are excellent idea and thank you for that suggestion.

To those suggesting I’ve taught him to cry. He came into the world screaming and genuinely did not stop for 12 months. For 12-14 hours he screamed I don’t know how I could have taught him this at such a young age. He had a very challenging temperament interacting with his silent reflux (according to the many doctors I took him to), he could not be soothe: or placated by me in any way. It was absolutely devastating and I am completely worn out after 18 months of constant noise and difficulty. Some babies are much harder than others and it really takes a toll.

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SummerHouse · 25/02/2025 14:43

I think previous posters, the "you've taught him this" brigade have no idea of the hell and back trip you have been on. I had a baby like this. Everyone telling me it gets better at 6 weeks, 4 months, six months.... He had reflux. He slept badly and he was generally unhappy. I did not teach him this. I remember one relative doing a double take when they saw him asleep saying he "looks like a different child". Yes. This was the only time he didn't look miserable! It's not you OP. You have been through the mill and you are doing an amazing job. Parenting high five to you. You will get through this.

My DS is now 14 and he is an absolute joy. He is hilarious. He is the life and soul of the party. To be frank, things are still difficult for him sometimes - he seems to feel things more both emotionally and physically and I wonder if he has some sensory processing issues. But he is extremely brave and just gets on with it now. I wouldn't change him for the world. First couple of years near broke me, but by God it was worth it!

NuffSaidSam · 25/02/2025 14:53

Constant whingers are the hardest children to parent imo. I don't even mind a good strop, but constant low-level whining is unbearable.

Ignore it as much as possible, he has to learn that a whinge doesn't achieve anything. Try a range of activities to see if you can pinpoint which, if any, produce the least whining (e.g. inside/outside, social/solo, using gross motor skills/fine motor skills, creative/task driven), find where his comfort space is. Focus on speech and other ways of making noise, teach him to use his voice for other things (maybe a music class if you don't already).

In addition to this, put some headphones in occasionally, listen to a podcast, you don't have to listen to it endlessly! As long as you're looking at him so you know he's safe/well/not actually crying.

Original poster

AtWitsEnd21 · 25/02/2025 15:35

SummerHouse · 25/02/2025 14:43

I think previous posters, the "you've taught him this" brigade have no idea of the hell and back trip you have been on. I had a baby like this. Everyone telling me it gets better at 6 weeks, 4 months, six months.... He had reflux. He slept badly and he was generally unhappy. I did not teach him this. I remember one relative doing a double take when they saw him asleep saying he "looks like a different child". Yes. This was the only time he didn't look miserable! It's not you OP. You have been through the mill and you are doing an amazing job. Parenting high five to you. You will get through this.

My DS is now 14 and he is an absolute joy. He is hilarious. He is the life and soul of the party. To be frank, things are still difficult for him sometimes - he seems to feel things more both emotionally and physically and I wonder if he has some sensory processing issues. But he is extremely brave and just gets on with it now. I wouldn't change him for the world. First couple of years near broke me, but by God it was worth it!

Thank you so much. No one understands how hard it is. I remember reading a comment here saying high needs babies don’t exist it’s how you parent. I probably cried for a week thinking it was me and something I was doing. It has been so, so difficult at times. Only people who’ve been through it understand. Things have improved from the days of carrying him around all day for the first year every day because if I put him down at all he would scream. He’s happily pottering beside me now which seemed impossible then. I gave up on waiting and hoping for an improvement by x month because it was devastating when it just never materialised.

Im so glad to hear you DS is doing so well. I had a little tear reading it was all worth it. I hope I’ll look back and think the same. I expect my DS will always experience life in HD which sounds similar to your DS.

Thank you again that really meant a lot

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Original poster

AtWitsEnd21 · 25/02/2025 15:40

NuffSaidSam · 25/02/2025 14:53

Constant whingers are the hardest children to parent imo. I don't even mind a good strop, but constant low-level whining is unbearable.

Ignore it as much as possible, he has to learn that a whinge doesn't achieve anything. Try a range of activities to see if you can pinpoint which, if any, produce the least whining (e.g. inside/outside, social/solo, using gross motor skills/fine motor skills, creative/task driven), find where his comfort space is. Focus on speech and other ways of making noise, teach him to use his voice for other things (maybe a music class if you don't already).

In addition to this, put some headphones in occasionally, listen to a podcast, you don't have to listen to it endlessly! As long as you're looking at him so you know he's safe/well/not actually crying.

Thank you for these brilliant suggestions. I’m kicking myself for not thinking of them earlier. He does show interest in music, for his young age he makes a very good attempt at replicating a tune. So a music class is a great suggestion. When we are out he is like a different child, so happy and cheery you’d never think he is so difficult at home.

I admit from time to time I do listen to a podcast on a rainy day when I’ve run out of activities. Yesterday it rained torrentially so we baked, we coloured and we had a bath and then there was still two hours to go to bed and the whinging started up so I popped them in. I feel terrible but sometimes I need to get through the day!

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