AIBU to say if you are going to look up someone’s family tree ask them first?

[BeMintFatball]

I don’t have a good relationship with SIL it’s tolerable at best and at worst she has been very nasty to me. She is my husband’s only sibling. She re-married about 5 years ago and has been a lot happier and nicer in that time.

Now she and 2nd husband are both retired. They have been busy researching my husband’s family. I guess they took that as far as they could and researched mine without telling me. This has brought to light some unexpected surprises. They have discovered my cousins on my Mum’s side have a younger sister and that their father is dead. So now I have this information, what do I do with it? I have decided to say nothing. I think it will only cause hurt and the information is in the public domain they could discover it for themselves if they wanted to go searching.

I’m not that bothered and they have saved me doing the research myself. They have also uncovered my grandmother told lies about what Country a distance aunt came from. Turns out she was as British as the rest of us (how unexciting, lol)

What has needled me is they have got their facts wrong about my Dad and his family. SIL didn’t like my Dad but that another story. All this information has been communicated to my DD2 . DD2 is an adult with additional needs. She showed me the conversation. I replied on her phone saying it was me, thanks you have found out some interesting stuff but you have your facts wrong about my Dad. SIL husband got all shirty saying he didn’t feel comfortable talking to me on DD2 phone and if I wanted to talk use my own phone. Except I do not have either SIL or her husband’s number and I don’t intend asking for them either.

so AIBU?
YANBU it’s weird to look up someone’s ancestry without asking

YABU the information is out in the public domain for anyone to see

If she is still up to it, ask her everything you can about family history before it's too late.

A great deal of the trees online are absolute tosh. That includes An.estry and F.nd my past! People looking for Joe Blogs, find any old JB on someone elses' tree and claim him as their own. So don't worry about all the misinformation compiled so far.. anybody taking genealogy seriously would pick it all apart. The only way to confirm information is to check and double check different records and then triangulate them for accuracy.
The suggestion to do your own research with your daughter is an excellent one. It becomes a fascinating hobby if you investigate the social history as well.. brings all 'your' people close.
And you can prove the truth of her ancestors to your daughter.
Ignore the meandering of people who do not have you in their hearts.
Good Luck!

So why are they researching YOUR family tree?

It's a bit odd that she's interested in your family tree, but maybe she enjoys the research process and ran out of things to do on her end?

I can see why it would be a bit unsettling but if the information is in the public domain, she's not really done anything wrong.

What is odd is that they did their own random research and didn't actually come and ask you about it.

DH did this quite seriously for a while and before Anstey was even a website. So he did it the hard way, first asking relatives for information then tracking down original birth and marriage certificates. He managed to locate a relative on his side who'd also been doing this and she had a lot of records already which helped a lot. Bit to do it properly does take quite a bit of time and effort.

I bet he was uncomfortable, because he was exposed talking bullshit.

Your update makes them sound weird and mean. The SIL is not speaking to a niece who has additional needs. I think that is more important than anything to do with your family tree.