Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset

21 replies

denpark · 24/02/2025 23:31

I got divorced last year. He cheated on me and treated me very badly, which all his family are aware of and have been brilliant to me.

I have many nieces/nephews from his side of the marriage who are now in their 20's/30's who still call me 'Auntie' and we see each other regularly.

Today I found out through my children that my niece who I am closest to is pregnant. She phoned my ex and told him a week ago. They barely ever talk and he hasn't seen her for nearly 10 years yet I see her every couple of months.

She's not contacted me at all.

I have no idea what to do in this situation. I feel really upset/ actually a bit heartbroken as it feels like just another way that this divorce is beating me down.

Anyone have any tips or been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Lostworlds · 24/02/2025 23:33

I’m sorry for everything you’re going through. Right now, give her the benefit of the doubt. She will tell you when she’s ready to tell you. There may be a bigger reason she’s not.

StormingNorman · 24/02/2025 23:36

I’ll say it quickly - you’re not family anymore. You can have good friendships with your ex’s family but you aren’t in the “inner circle” anymore. The same as he isn’t a part of your family now.

Enough4me · 24/02/2025 23:36

She may have kept a relationship with him too and knows he'd still wish her well.
It doesn't detract from her relationship with you. Arrange to meet up soon, coffee and catch up. She'll probably be excited to chat away with you in person!

HeddaGarbled · 24/02/2025 23:38

It sounds like you’ve “kept” most of HIS family. You can let him have one.

Original poster
denpark · 24/02/2025 23:39

She's always very upset that she never sees him/he never bothers to contact her or see her, so this has baffled me. She was complaining about it after Christmas.

I appreciate that I'm not family I'm a legal term now but I'm the 'Auntie' they come to for advice and have continued to do so, so this is really stinging.

We're meant to be seeing each other in a few weeks so hopefully she'll tell me then, but it's all a bit odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
denpark · 24/02/2025 23:40

HeddaGarbled · 24/02/2025 23:38

It sounds like you’ve “kept” most of HIS family. You can let him have one.

I haven't 'kept' anyone. He never bothered to call/see/visit them so they chose to keep a good relationship with me. 'Keeping' is a really odd thing to say. He has never bothered with people and has upset many many family members.

OP posts:
Original poster
denpark · 24/02/2025 23:42

HeddaGarbled · 24/02/2025 23:38

It sounds like you’ve “kept” most of HIS family. You can let him have one.

Plus- this is a niece whose life I have been in for over 30 years and have been one of her main carers (when younger) and confidante as she got older. Relationships don't just stop just because someone cheats (unless people are very immature). That's why this has been a bit difficult.

OP posts:
JW13 · 24/02/2025 23:51

Could it be that she wants to tell you in person and you're due to see each other in a few weeks so she's waiting for that? If you're very close (and it sounds like you are) it might feel more personal than a message or call...

Enough4me · 24/02/2025 23:54

OP, I can see that this is hurting you but once the sadness has passed try to calm your emotions and when you see her show your happiness for her. Be there for her and show an interest as the pregnancy progresses.
She's not wrong for letting her uncle know, she probably thinks he will finally show an interest in her.

OldChairMan · 24/02/2025 23:57

She's always very upset that she never sees him/he never bothers to contact her or see her, so this has baffled me. She was complaining about it after Christmas.

That makes sense - she's taking this opportunity to try and create a connection with him. Sounds like she won't get far, but a pregnancy is an opportunity to reconnect.

Bobbie12345 · 24/02/2025 23:58

I can see why it would hurt. But maybe she is just planning to tell you in person. Maybe this felt like a ‘hook’ to get him to show some interest in her (which she knows she doesn’t need with you- you can actually take this as a compliment if that helps at all.)

Monty27 · 25/02/2025 00:00

@denpark she probably wants to tell you herself!

CuteEasterBunny · 25/02/2025 00:04

She might want to tell you in person.

Lurkingandlearning · 25/02/2025 01:56

I was going to say the same as @Bobbie12345 and @OldChairMan. "Abandoned" children do sometimes use having their own children as an opportunity to try to have some sort of relationship with that parent if only for their child's benefit.

She might want to tell you personally. She might even have told your ex that she'd informed him before telling you to curry favour. I don't mean that in a harsh way. Maybe rekindling the relationship was important enough to her for her to do that, knowing that you'd be part of her child's life anyway. Try not to take it to heart. I think it's probably one of those "least said, soonest mended" situations.

Original poster
denpark · 15/03/2025 09:17

Update- she hasn’t contacted me at all about this but has posted a Facebook announcement.

Looks like this relationship has now become another casualty in my divorce. He’s so toxic and has driven a wedge between me and several good friends, but I really wasn’t expecting this one.

I’ll get over it , but this one hurts. I’m so delighted for her though!

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/03/2025 09:21

denpark · 15/03/2025 09:17

Update- she hasn’t contacted me at all about this but has posted a Facebook announcement.

Looks like this relationship has now become another casualty in my divorce. He’s so toxic and has driven a wedge between me and several good friends, but I really wasn’t expecting this one.

I’ll get over it , but this one hurts. I’m so delighted for her though!

He may be toxic but this one isn’t on him, her pregnancy isn’t content for your divorce. Maybe this is exactly why she didn’t tell you.

I hope you manage to get past it soon and don’t pass these feelings on to your kids or ‘his’ family, chin up OP.

Original poster
denpark · 15/03/2025 10:39

The toxicity is about the comments and lies he’s spread to others. He cheated. Repeatedly. But has spread so many very nasty lies about me to try to explain/excuse his behaviour. People end up believing these lies and this is when they disappear out of my life. It’s horrible and it’s a nasty smear campaign by a narcissist to make himself look good.

so, whilst she has made this choice it will be undoubtably based on false, misleading and really horrible information. The reality is that I was totally blindsided by what he was doing/had done and he’s put me through absolute hell.

So it is on him. The whole situation is.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 15/03/2025 10:48

denpark · 15/03/2025 10:39

The toxicity is about the comments and lies he’s spread to others. He cheated. Repeatedly. But has spread so many very nasty lies about me to try to explain/excuse his behaviour. People end up believing these lies and this is when they disappear out of my life. It’s horrible and it’s a nasty smear campaign by a narcissist to make himself look good.

so, whilst she has made this choice it will be undoubtably based on false, misleading and really horrible information. The reality is that I was totally blindsided by what he was doing/had done and he’s put me through absolute hell.

So it is on him. The whole situation is.

It is really unfair but unfortunately you can't do anything about it.

It's her loss though as your ex-DH won't miraculously turn into a supportive uncle who is interested in her pregnancy. He will behave as he always has, being disengaged, uninterested and uncaring.

You, on the other hand, would have been kind, interested and supportive but she has thrown that relationship away.

Apart from your children obviously, try and pretend that your ex and his family don't exist.

whatsappdoc · 15/03/2025 11:13

So all she's done is not tell you personally about the pregnancy? There could be loads of others she didn't tell personally either!
My response Ooh! Lovely news! Look forward to seeing you soon xx

Original poster
denpark · 15/03/2025 16:49

Oh I’ve been so supportive in my comments as I’m so happy for her. What’s happened is that she hasn’t called or made arrangements to meet up, which is very very unlike her. Instead, she’s now chatting to her Uncle who has ignored her for years. So I’m almost 100% that he’s said/done something to alienate me. Don’t know what, but it’s all rather odd.

I’m just going to be ready (as usual) to pick up the pieces when she gets hurt (as he hurts many others)

OP posts:
Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 15/03/2025 16:51

Maybe she knew she’d see you in person so wanted to tell you face to face?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page