Page 2 | To dread this party where his ex wife will be

TheresAMouse · 2025-02-24T20:39:15+00:00

Urg I'm a grown up girl of 40 plus been with my hubby for nearly 10 years. Consiser myself fairly socialable. We are going to.a small party event where his ex wife will.be also. I don't really know the crowd at this party. Very much old friends of theirs. Why am I dreading this so much. Any tips on getting through it?

StormingNorman · 24/02/2025 22:58

ThisOliveMember · 24/02/2025 20:55

That’s helpful!

He’s with you now, not her. Just remember that and don’t let her or her friends intimidate you.

Ive avoided events because she’d be there and had to be in the company of her friends. Life is too short to be bothered by it - hold your head up high - she likely couldn’t lace your boots.

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Why would you assume the ex couldn’t “lace OP’s boots”? There doesn’t need to be any rivalry or oneupmanship.

Original poster

TheresAMouse · 24/02/2025 23:08

StormingNorman · 24/02/2025 22:58

Why would you assume the ex couldn’t “lace OP’s boots”? There doesn’t need to be any rivalry or oneupmanship.

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Great point. I assumed all would be fine and no reason for us not to have a civil type relationship at least.

My hubby will be in a small group along with the man she had an affair with. I know he's not entirely looking forward to that so while I hear the comments about...just don't go. I want to be there for my husband It's a party for his good friend and I know he would do the same for me.

OP posts:

LaineyCee · 24/02/2025 23:16

If it were me, I’d be booking in to have a blowdry done for the party (and possibly makeup too.) You may be different, but when I feel I’m looking my best, it gives me confidence. The evening might still be awkward, but your hair will be fabulous!

SD1978 · 24/02/2025 23:29

If this is a loose set of acquaintances, who you barely know according to your post, so therefore he doesn't have any great regular contact with either- why are you going if he is nervous about? And you're an adult, talking about yourself as a 'grown up girl' when you're 40 is weird.

Original poster

TheresAMouse · 24/02/2025 23:30

LaineyCee · 24/02/2025 23:16

If it were me, I’d be booking in to have a blowdry done for the party (and possibly makeup too.) You may be different, but when I feel I’m looking my best, it gives me confidence. The evening might still be awkward, but your hair will be fabulous!

Yeah absolutely on board with this advise. I have an outfit in mind that makes me feel good, with nice make up and hair.

OP posts:

Livelovebehappy · 25/02/2025 00:09

ThisOliveMember · 24/02/2025 20:55

That’s helpful!

He’s with you now, not her. Just remember that and don’t let her or her friends intimidate you.

Ive avoided events because she’d be there and had to be in the company of her friends. Life is too short to be bothered by it - hold your head up high - she likely couldn’t lace your boots.

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she likely couldn’t lace your boots

And you know this how? Because you second wives always believe the narrative provided to you by your dp/dh about the ex (often made up)? That’s as silly a presumption as saying second wives are usually the ‘ow’ who have a zero moral compass, and so by default are lacking in basic values………🙂

Devianinc · 25/02/2025 00:15

TheresAMouse · 24/02/2025 21:06

Their relationship ended with an affair on her side, who she's now married to. My hubby is not bothered about the affair man at this stage and all is good when picking up kids etc.

Still I know he will feel a little awkward in this social.situation so I want to be there with him. He will look out for me on the night.

In the early days of us getting together I invited her to meet up with me for intros so she would know there person in her kids life but ir was straight rejected so it hasn't felt too nice from the start and we have pretty much very rarely crossed paths.

I had to go to my husband’s grandmothers wake. I made my whole come with me. I was scared. Haha. Wasn’t as bad as I thought it be just avoided her. Long, long time ago. You’ll be fine. Chin up and all. Family come with me, I’m not editing

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/02/2025 00:22

TheresAMouse · 24/02/2025 21:06

Their relationship ended with an affair on her side, who she's now married to. My hubby is not bothered about the affair man at this stage and all is good when picking up kids etc.

Still I know he will feel a little awkward in this social.situation so I want to be there with him. He will look out for me on the night.

In the early days of us getting together I invited her to meet up with me for intros so she would know there person in her kids life but ir was straight rejected so it hasn't felt too nice from the start and we have pretty much very rarely crossed paths.

I haven't met my exs new gf, despite them pressuring me to. I don't think this is me not being nice to her, it's just a boundary that I don't want to go there or have him take up more head space then I do already, and I don't see what it would accomplish- if she's really nice then I'll feel weird and if she's not nice then I'll be scared for my child but nothing I can do. I'm also scared that things I say will be twisted

ThisOliveMember · 25/02/2025 06:01

StormingNorman · 24/02/2025 22:58

Why would you assume the ex couldn’t “lace OP’s boots”? There doesn’t need to be any rivalry or oneupmanship.

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OP asked for opinion - I gave mine based on direct experience. We don’t have to agree.

ThisOliveMember · 25/02/2025 06:08

Livelovebehappy · 25/02/2025 00:09

she likely couldn’t lace your boots

And you know this how? Because you second wives always believe the narrative provided to you by your dp/dh about the ex (often made up)? That’s as silly a presumption as saying second wives are usually the ‘ow’ who have a zero moral compass, and so by default are lacking in basic values………🙂

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And there’s the reason. Right there.

Randomer75 · 25/02/2025 06:29

TheresAMouse · 24/02/2025 21:56

Thanks for your replies - just one of those things I have to do as a grown up!

I will have briefly met some of the ppl there but definitely don't know any of them at all.

Here's hoping it's one of those nights that ends up being great:)

If you go there, on the defensive and waiting for it to go badly - it will, even with a fabulous blow dry (which I recommend!)

For what it’s worth I would decline an invite from a putative step mother, six months in, but I would never be rude to her.

Ten years plus down the line, it should all be water under the bridge. Just go, show the warm side of your personality, and have a nice evening. You’re letting her live rent free in your head.

What are you worried will happen. Can you describe the scenario you are catastrophising in your head.

IhaveanewTVnow · 25/02/2025 07:41

My ex H and his wife (ow) came to a party at my house for my child’s big party. It was fine. We acknowledged each other and behaved like adults. Worse things happen in life than this so don’t stress about it.

Original poster

TheresAMouse · 25/02/2025 08:54

SD1978 · 24/02/2025 23:29

If this is a loose set of acquaintances, who you barely know according to your post, so therefore he doesn't have any great regular contact with either- why are you going if he is nervous about? And you're an adult, talking about yourself as a 'grown up girl' when you're 40 is weird.

Describing myself as 'a grown up girl' was a tongue in cheek phrase to set the scene

OP posts:

Emerald0897 · 25/02/2025 08:58

Can you practise trying to persuade yourself that actually she's just a stranger and not hugely relevant to you? Like just another person at the party.

ParsnipPuree · 25/02/2025 08:58

It's not the ex wife being there that would bother me it's all their old friends.. you'll be on her territory in that way. As a second wife it took me time to feel totally confident in my marriage. I wouldn't be going.

Randomer75 · 25/02/2025 09:05

ParsnipPuree · 25/02/2025 08:58

It's not the ex wife being there that would bother me it's all their old friends.. you'll be on her territory in that way. As a second wife it took me time to feel totally confident in my marriage. I wouldn't be going.

Yes, avoiding situations outside your comfort zone is a great way to make it easier the next time.

OP, this sadly is terrible advice, neither the ex-W, nor the friends will be thinking about you half as much as you seem to think. They aren’t out to get you, and want to have a nice time. You really are making this into something that it isn’t.

Original poster

TheresAMouse · 25/02/2025 09:08

Randomer75 · 25/02/2025 09:05

Yes, avoiding situations outside your comfort zone is a great way to make it easier the next time.

OP, this sadly is terrible advice, neither the ex-W, nor the friends will be thinking about you half as much as you seem to think. They aren’t out to get you, and want to have a nice time. You really are making this into something that it isn’t.

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I agree about not avoiding things outside of a comfort zone. There hasn't been opportunity to mix with this crowd much so it may be a beginning in that way.

I don't think anyone is 'out to get me'..not sure where that's come from.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheresAMouse · 25/02/2025 09:09

Emerald0897 · 25/02/2025 08:58

Can you practise trying to persuade yourself that actually she's just a stranger and not hugely relevant to you? Like just another person at the party.

This is good advice :)

OP posts:

treesandsun · 25/02/2025 11:38

Hopefully enough people there to not have to say much beyond hello. She may not have wanted to meet you back at the start because she will know he told you about the affair and she might have been a bit ashamed - she might just be a cow.
Just don't get absolutely hammered and make an arse of yourself