My DD is too friendly with strangers at soft plays / parks etc

[myddis]

My DD is 5. She's absolutely lovely. She's very outgoing but recently it really bothers me that when we go to a soft play or something like that, she's always hanging around and talking to adults.

She'll talk to them in the soft play ( to the ones that are actually in the soft play with their kids ). But worse of all, she'll go to the parents just sitting having coffee and introduce herself and try to chat to them.

Of course people are lovely and talk to her, but it's inappropriate for her to keep bothering people. She'll try to sit with them, stand next to them while they're eating. Then sometimes if the kids are having biscuits, she'll ask for one.

I'm always pulling her back, reminding her to chat to me / play with me. I give her snacks myself etc.

Whatever I'm doing isn't working because I keep having to remind her to stop doing it. How can I do this nicely, without damaging her friendliness ?

I explained to her in the car that people sometimes just want to relax and sit quietly and that it's rude to stand near people while they're eating / or accept biscuits from them.

I don't know how to best exploit it to her, to be honest.

She also plays in the soft play with other kids, but sometimes when there's not much going on, she'll keep going up to whoever is around, except me !

You've got a future tv presenter on your hands, op! Bless her ❤️

I feel like such a spoil sport and I also feel like my OP makes it sound like I'm making it all about her spending time with ME. It's not really how I meant to write it.

I just don't want her to go around bothering people and also, just to learn boundaries of normal, acceptable social behaviour.

You're not at all. I don't have any advice to give but completely understand why you're worried xx

Honestly I would just find it cute tbh if a little one wandered over for a chat.

I have twins who are exactly the same. They have got slightly more discriminating now they are nearly 10. They do live life although they are somehow the stars of their own existence . It’s not helped by how nice people are.

That sounds mean but my concern is that they meet people in the future who take advantage of them. They are in a mixed class this year as the younger year and the older students are not interested in hanging with their younger classmates so that’s been a bit of an eye opener for them.

There is a balance between maintaining self esteem, establishing boundaries, learning personsl safety. I don’t want to scare them but at the same time how do you explain to children how worrying awful some people are out in the world and that you shouldn’t talk to everyone.

She's 5. I don't think this is that unusual. If she is wanting to talk to adults then that's a sign that you've done a good job, she's confident and able to communicate.

DS (5 now!) was the same.

I've started gently calling him back and telling him it's not ok to approach strangers unless he's with mummy/he needs help - but his first port of call needs to be mummy if he wants something! Did that a few times and it seemed to do the trick. Though he still wants to chat to everyone, he just loudly asks me first (cringe 😂)

My child is like this. Loves the company of adults, he’s super chatty & always introduces himself, gets involved with others.

He makes friends really easily & is popular, but I have to remind him to respect people’s space. I like talking to kids.

But plenty of folks don’t. Often read it on MN, that such children are rude, boring etc… Some even like to ignore their own kids by distracting them with a device, but that’s their choice.

My DD2 is like this. She has the hugest heart, she is always looking out for the shy child, the upset child and encouraging them, it's likes her mission is to find someone who needs cheering up/needs a friend. She is so gentle, but she struggles to understand that some people dont want to be encouraged by her, they want to be given space. Like you say, you don't want to suppress their joy and kindness, but I'm seeing her slowly learn that not everyone wants to be friends (which is absolutely their choice to make) and she looks so confused and upset and as a parent we often course want to prevent that.

I don't know why you think this is a problem. Just make sure you stay with her because not every adult is trustworthy.

As long as you are there to move her along I don’t think it’s a big issue. I find it hard when random kids chat to me in soft plays because I’m not very sociable and don’t particularly like children I don’t know, but I’m not annoyed about it. I only get annoyed when a child latches on or behaves inappropriately and their parents are nowhere to be found.

I would just say to her that whilst she’s a lovely bubbly social person, not everyone is the same, some people are quieter and prefer to keep to themselves, she will pick up on it with time. Children just aren’t as good as reading social cues as adults.

Realistically in that kind of situation you expect random kids to communicate with you.

Surely by this age, she should have some concept of stranger danger?
Would she go somewhere with them if they asked? Go and get a drink or something?

I think it's important to start telling her that she only speaks to people she knows when out and about, unless you are right with her and say it's OK.

My 3 year old is quite chatty. He wouldn’t ask for food from people he didn’t know, and he wouldn’t leave with them, but he can make friends in an empty room…

I’m not sure there’s too much you can do, other than be close by to step in if people are annoyed or it gets too much.

It’s cute when they have a brief chat. When they stay longer (and ask for snacks) it does get annoying.

But if I can see the OP is making an effort to call them back then that’s no bother, it’s when parents leave their kids for other people to play with or parent that it becomes truly annoying.

Agree. She’s getting to an age where in the next couple of years you’ll want to be giving her a bit more freedom at e.g. the playground and won’t necessarily keep a keen eye on her every second - and nor will people in loco parentis such as if she’s having a play date out with a friend and their parent. You can’t do that if she’ll talk indiscriminately to and accept a biscuit from anyone.

In terms of “damaging her friendliness”, a firm explanation of why bothering strangers isn’t appropriate is better coming from you, than from the bad tempered adult she approaches one day who doesn’t give a shit about children and tells her to fuck off.

My 5 year old doesn't approach strangers but will happily interact with adults she sees me and DH talking to.

Our almost 3 year old on the other hand will merrily chat to anyone like a little old lady! She will ask random parents in the park to hold her hand if I'm slightly out of reach, or tell them to "watch me!" I smile and apologise, but I also don't want to stop her.
People always say how "fearless" she is, but I think a little fear is always helpful! No idea how to deal with it while she's still so little other than keeping eyes on her at all times! 🤦🏻‍♀️

I have one as well, mines down to attachment disorder though.

It’s really cute but terrifying! She’ll talk to anyone, try to hug them etc. if someone offered to show her their puppies she’d be off in a second. We have to keep eyes on ALL the time and remind her about stranger danger a lot.

I disagree that she should only speak to people she knows, I don't think that's a healthy way to go through life. I often speak to people I don't know!

Knowing not to accept anything or go off with strangers is another matter though, you should definitely work on that if you're concerned she might.

Oh bless her, she's a chatty Cathy! I think all you can do is what you are doing, and stick with her so she can't do it.

I don't have kids, therefore I have a grand total of 0 advice to give but I just find kids like yours adorable.

On a side note, it's a rare female privilege to be able to interact adhoc with random kids without triggering a massive perv alert.

I agree! It's not a bad thing to be able to make a bit of conversation with people in the same space as you.

I'd focus on teaching some ground rules (don't interrupt adults having a conversation, wait to be offered to share food, don't go with anyone) and just keep an eye on her! Step in if she's bothering someone. She'll most likely eventually learn the signs of someone not wanting to chat back.

My DD is the similar, particularly men, and they often seem more uncomfortable than women, as pp said, they don't want to be accused. I found it helps to go with other children for her to play with. I slightly forgot what she was like when recently we went to church, she was the only child and overly friendly with Adults.

Honestly , I hate it when kids do this.

I have more than enough going on managing my own children without someone else’s latching on. And if I get a moment of peace I definitely don’t want another child disturbing it!

I would never ever be horrible to a child but I really don’t want to have one chatting to me and don’t find it charming.

I feel your pain, OP.
My daughter was like this and it drive me nuts. The good news - she grew out of it, but that confidence served her well.
She was aware of stranger danger, because the one time an adult spoke to her first when I was away from her in a shop, she bolted towards me.
Fast forward to about Year 1/2 and she no longer felt the need to speak to anyone except when necessary.

She knows the concept and if you ask her whether she'd go with someone she doesn't know etc, she'll say no you don't go with people you don't know etc, but I of course never seen it in practice of course.