To provide an ultimatum?

[Defensivelydrained]

Sorry this is long….

DH is and always has been incredibly defensive when he feels criticised in any way.

He is a perfectionist at work and goes above and beyond for everyone there. He is a teacher and is always working at home every evening and weekend, constantly moaning about, constantly stressed about it - I appreciate it’s a thankless job and always support him needing to work outside of school hours etc but I also work full time in a demanding job without as many holidays yet I do the dinner every single night, I plan the shop, I do the majority of the cleaning, I make all life plans, holidays, days out, meals etc!

He will clean up and put a wash on, do the ironing etc but it’s certainly not an equal share. He will never just start tea, and has never made me a nice healthy meal despite me saying how much that would mean to me.

We have an autistic child who can demand a lot of my attention and will only communicate with me when they are feeling overwhelmed/anxious so that is also draining.

The other day I had a mini melt down, I had cleaned after everyone all day, I was wfh whilst he was off but decided to also work even though we have two kids he could have done something with and worked when I finished. (I’m unable to suggest that or it will be taken the wrong way and cause an atmosphere)

Anyway I had finished work made the dinner then cleaned all the dishes as usual and he asked if I was ‘in the mood’ - I snapped and started crying. I said no funnily enough I’m not - I’m tired from being under appreciated by the family and constantly having to do everything - all the mental tasks as well as the majority of the household tasks. I very rarely snap because I know how he will react and I don’t have the energy to argue or deal with a weeks worth of negative energy in the house because he instantly goes on the defense, gets argumentative and then spends at least a week completely distant and frosty with me which is exactly what happened. I would have loved in that moment for him to put his arms around me and see that I was struggling but instead he only heard that I was moaning about him.

I’ve ended up caving and explaining I was emotional because of hormones just to get some normality back between us, I can’t stand negative energy. i can’t even ask him to take the dogs out because I know he will get the hump feeling like I’m saying he’s lazy etc.

I can’t live like this anymore, I try so hard to understand why he is like this, I’ve read books, spoken to a therapist and tailored the way I approach this kind of thing to be mindful of his feelings. I understand it comes from a place of low self-esteem and insecurity but he won’t get help.

I’ve tried so hard now that I’ve become silently raging, unable to voice how I feel or have the odd rant or moan for fear of being in a horrible tense atmosphere all week which isn’t fair on the kids.

AIBU to say unless he gets help for this obvious issue with perceived criticism and inability to express his emotions to me that I will have to seriously consider whether we can continue the marriage. I’m genuinely afraid I will crack up but saying this to him he will feel I’m calling him a horrible person blah blah blah - when really I just want a genuine conversation to better understand each-others triggers and find a way forward.

Please help, I’m one tired, drained and helpless wreck right now and haven’t a clue where to turn.

If you got this far - thank you!

YANBU. You may go through a storm to get to where you need to be but it’s a storm that is worth it, I would think.

I am kind of in a similar situation and I feel like O don’t have the energy to blow it open right now so I empathize.

He's got the perfect relationship
Are you able to speak to a trusted friend or family member to help you understand why you tolerate this?

You are doing a huge amount, not only of practical labour in the house but also emotional labour. It sounds like you've put in loads of work to try to understand your DH and think about how to best communicate with him, but he is not putting that level of hard work and commitment into understanding and communicating with you. It seems to be all about his needs and not about your own.

Yes, your DH has a stressful job with a lot of demands on his time. As a former teacher I have been there and sympathise. I used to find it very tough and stressful, and I didn't have any children at the time. I don't think I could have been a good mum and a good teacher. That said, some people do seem to manage it. Your DH is only able to work as he does and live as he does because of all you are doing to support him, and most teachers don't have the luxury of someone like you attending to their needs and working tirelessly behind the scenes to make home life good for them.

As for your DH making everything about himself and being so defensive about any perceived criticism that he can't support you emotionally... well I suppose I sympathise a little bit, in that there are probably factors in his past that have shaped his psychology that way and it sounds like he might have some low self-esteem and deep fear of criticism. But again, most people with this sort of challenge don't have someone walking on eggshells and pandering to them. They have to live with the reality that other people have needs and emotions too and that the world isn't all about them.

It is not acceptable that you can't express your emotions and needs or make reasonable requests for rebalancing tasks in your marriage. It is not acceptable for you to have to blame your hormones for your legitimate emotions (and what a way for you to buy into a misogynistic narrative there. We pesky women and our hormones, stopping us from putting up with men's bullshit uncomplainingly as we apparently should! I don't mean that harshly towards you - it sounds like you panicked and were trying to spare your DH - but you really really shouldn't have to say this sort of thing to get through the day).

I hope you get the hug you needed, physically or metaphorically, somehow OP! This really does sound rubbish and deeply unfair to you.

All types of controlling behaviour are rooted in insecurity. And you are being entirely controlled, make no mistake.

Your entire household revolves around his work, his priorities, his sensitivities; your entire relationship is predicated on you centering his feelings. He’s trained you to do this by punishing you with sulking, silence, withdrawal of affection, defensiveness. He’s got you to the point where you’re automatically making excuses for him. You implicitly understand his behaviour cannot be criticised or even discussed; hurting his feelings is unacceptable, which means that you can no longer relate to him as an equal partner, or give any expression to your own needs and feelings because he’ll reframe that kind of conversation as a personal attack.

So you have no option but to suck it up. You tie yourself in knots to accommodate him and he sucks all the oxygen out of the room, while you lose a little bit more of yourself every day until there’s nothing left.

You’ve reached your tipping point, OP. It’s no longer sustainable. Stop allowing him to dictate the terms of engagement. You have a right to be seen and heard and cherished and appreciated. He may react badly. So what? There’ll be a period of unpleasantness. It’ll be stressful. But will it really be any more stressful than living like this? Maybe he’ll step up and maybe he won’t, but either way you’ll regain control of your (one and only precious) life and set it on a different course to the one it’s currently on. Which would surely be a good thing?

Thinking housework is for women "comes from a place of low self-esteem and insecurity"?

I don't think it does, you know.

God it’s torturous isn’t it?!

Tell him that every time he needs to defrost that he must leave the family home until his mood has passed

It is bad for you, bad for the children and he is effectively trying to silence you

Also write your weekly chores down and his on a list side by side

Tell him you have had enough of doing the majority and you want him to pick some chores to take off you

Do that now while he is in a huff

Just to add, when you finally take steps to break this cycle, you may realise for the first time how much anxiety you’ve been carrying with you for years. A low level hum that comes with the ‘treading on eggshells’ feeling this kind of controlling behaviour engenders. The constant second-guessing and anticipating, the micro-calibrations you unconsciously make to ‘manage’ his moods and reactions; the feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know he’s about to kick off about some shit or other.

It’s fucking exhausting. Shedding that feeling, which is so hard-wired you’re not even aware of it, is literally like dropping a boulder. The feeling of lightness and freedom when you truly understand that his emotional disregulation is not - and never should have been - your responsibility, is a little epiphany all on its own.

Really good point.

Actually it occurs to me upon re-reading the original post that it seems as though OP's DH is acting as though his job is this special higher calling and he shouldn't have to sully himself with too much domestic / family stuff. He's so important that he shouldn't be expected to do more.

If he were Prime Minister or a UN peace envoy or in some other incredibly important, powerful, high-responsibility position, this attitude would make a little more sense... although in this case he would probably have staff to help do this stuff for him. If he earned loads of money and his wife were, by choice, a stay at home mum organising his life for him, sort of 1950s Mad Men style, it would also make a bit more sense to expect her to do most of the house stuff. (Personally I'd still argue that wealthy men with SAHM wives shouldn't act like entitled dicks though...)

But this man doesn't have staff. He doesn't have the salary to support his wife to stay at home and run the house for him without having to earn (assuming she would even want to, which she might well not). He doesn't have a job so important that he has to be perfect to avoid a war or mass unemployment or some other devastation (because whilst teaching is an important job, it is simply not THAt important - you don't have to be 'perfect' everyday to be a decent teacher. You just don't. And if you have an off day or an off week, generally nothing terrible comes of that.)

He's an ordinary bloke in an ordinary job and he has a wife who works full time but still has to make all the meals and act like he's above criticism.

Wow I’ve just sat down and taken the time to read through all of the comments and I’m in tears. So much of what has been said resonates with me, especially about his job which takes over his whole life and again I appreciate it’s stressful but my career is no less important than his (I actually earn more but that’s not an issue whatsoever).

I understand how my op has come across, however he is a decent person who I believe has some serious psychological issues that need addressing. He’s had previous issues relating to sex and went to therapy for that (because it directly improved our sex life which instantly benefits him) I just wish he put the same effort into seeking therapy to help with the insecurity and understand why he gets so triggered and is unable to express his emotions. For instance, I have begged him to be romantic with me so many times, I’ve explained that I’m a deep soulful person who craves that kind of affection, I’m not talking big gestures but a love letter, a meal, a playlist of fav songs, putting on one of my fav films and watching it with me properly etc all things I’ve spelled out for him that would make me feel ‘special’ but he just can’t do it.

I know he loves me, when we feel connected it’s amazing and we’re best friends. If I have an issue with work, family etc he can be there for me but when it comes to anything to do with our relationship he taps out.

As one of you have said, I need to address it head on and deal with the negative energy and certain atmosphere to get some kind of resolution. I need to work on myself too, I can’t allow my feelings to be dependent on his mood to the point that I neglect my genuine wishes and desires to ‘keep the peace’.

Just to add, he definitely doesn’t think ‘a woman should do the housework’ at all, it’s more that he doesnt appreciate what I do because acknowledging that would, in his mind, make him feel that he isn’t doing enough if that makes sense? Which is again is like a criticism. I’m just so exhausted with life and really want to start living, my dad was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago so I’ve been emotional anyway and needed to hear your views. Thank you so much - I need to become much stronger, I know I’m capable.

Any advice on how I approach this? I’d love to do couples therapy but I’m so afraid it will come across like he is perfect and I’m an emotionally high maintenance person (something he has called me several times) I’m willing to accept that if true and change but it has to be both ways for it to work.

He sounds exhausting. You’re describing “he’s great when…” because there a lot of caveats aren’t there.

All about him.

Some great advice upthread.

Acknowledging that you do more of the housework... would make him feel like he isn't doing enough... when in actual fact he ISN'T doing enough? Have I got that right?

Are you SURE he doesn't think housework is women's work? Because it sounds more to me like he's pretty damn skilled in making you THINK that he doesn't think that. And then, if you show any signs of wising up, making it all about him and his very delicate feelings. But then also making out that it's about you being "emotionally high-maintenance" if you challenge him on lousy behaviour. What happens if you insist on excluding anyone's emotions from the conversation, and focusing on facts and practicalities? (As in, "No, this isn't about my emotions, it's about that fact that you haven't made dinner all week" or similar). Any kind of conflict or legitimate complaint gets turned into "Women, so damn emotional". Yet you have to tiptoe around his emotions at all times. Ugh.

He sounds bloody good at weaponizing therapy-speak to get his way.

Might he be neurodiverse? I was just thinking about it as a possibility as you said you also have a child who is autistic?

I am having a similar battle myself. I have been tackling it by setting boundaries - something a therapist I was seeing suggested. It was hard, but it has made a difference. Now if he gets aggressive (he calls it getting upset) I take myself off. I also don't want him yelling Fcking cnt when he's angry and that's another boundary that he has been respecting. But still if I want to talk about something and he perceives it as criticism then he gets all moody and sulky. So I'm trying to find the words to set a boundary around that. I think it will get to the point quite soon where I say 'Either this behaviour stops or I don't want to live with you anymore.' We can be best buddies for weeks, but as soon as I need to talk about a touchy subject it all goes pear shaped. I wish you all the best.

I actually think he has ADHD and he has been to the doctors for a referral to be assessed however I have pushed for him to also get CBT or therapy in the meantime to help him. This sounds so horrendous and I feel totally guilty even thinking it but if he has autism or adhd worry I won’t be able to deal with it as well as our child. I’m only human and I need some kind of affection and emotional maturity. I’m not saying neurodivergent people aren’t capable of that at all by the way but if he was diagnosed I worry he would accept it as that and then nothing would ever change

I'm sure you've posted about him before.

I'm going to give you some valuable advice: you cannot change people. You can't change people. You can't change him.

You have to work with what you've got. You can tiptoe around him, humiliate yourself begging for attention, suppress your needs, read books on psychology and dance around like a monkey and he's not going to change.

He lives his life on his terms and so do you. If you challenge him, he punishes you until you fall into line.

He is sucking the life out of you.

You're thinking a lot about him and his various needs and his possible conditions but you aren't his mum. Think about yourself and your own needs and sit down with him, preferably child free, and negotiate terms. If he won't, then you know where you stand with him and you will have to assess your future options.