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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not reply to an invite?

30 replies

MummaOnThedge · 24/02/2025 15:28

I apologise if this is very long but I need to provide a bit of back story for everyone to understand. My dad left my mum and remarried when my sister and I were young. My stepmum already had 2 children and then they went on to have 2 more children. From what I can remember, it was a messy divorce. I just remember a lot of arguing between my mum and dad at the time.

We used to go round to see my dad every other weekend, as agreed in the divorce. However, from the get go my sister and I were often left out of things and we felt like we had missed out on so much whenever we would go over. My dad would pick my step siblings up from school and not wait to see us come out. They planned a massive family holiday abroad which we were almost left out of until my nan stepped in to pay for us.

In recent years, I have found out that they have a separate group chat without us in and we often see various days out put on social media that we haven't been invited to. Effort to get together is often one sided on our part. We both live about 45 minutes away from everyone else so it is usually us driving to them for Christmas and birthdays, none will drive to us.

In the last couple of years I've stopped putting in the effort to meet up because the one sided relationship was having an affect on my mental health. I have also cancelled plans last minute a couple of times due to this too, just for fear of being unwanted there.

So, one of my stepsiblings is having a baby. They now live up north with their partner and they invited us to a baby shower/drinks in a pub down south for the family and friends to attend. I assumed this was the only event they were holding. I of course went and took gifts which were well received. I went to my dads the weekend after as it was my daughters birthday and it is the only way they would have seen her for it. While I was there they were talking about another baby shower my stepsibling was having up north, showing me all the gifts they had bought them and talking about what they were going to wear etc.

At this point, I just went quiet and didn't say anything but I could see my dad looking at me from the corner of my eye. The next day we got an invitation to said baby shower, in 2 weeks time. Now I would like to know if AIBU if I don't reply because I feel insulted tbh? We would need to book a hotel and factor in a 4 hour drive each way if we were to go. Also, i just feel like we weren't wanted there otherwise we would have been invited along with everyone else. It's been a week and I haven't acknowledged it. The baby shower is next weekend. AIBU?

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 24/02/2025 15:30

Are you being unreasonable about what? It's too far, dint go but you should reply

VanessaShanessaJenkins99 · 24/02/2025 15:33

So they had an event down south that you went to but they are from up north and are having one up there too and you hadn't been invited to that one?

Gymmum82 · 24/02/2025 15:42

Just say sorry I can’t make it. I wouldn’t invite a sibling to a baby shower hours from where they live when they’d already been to a local one. My baby doesn’t matter that much to anyone else who isn’t me

Coffeeishot · 24/02/2025 15:45

Just reply thank you for thinking about us but we won't make it . Mention the one you were to wish her well and just leave it at that.

Swiftie1878 · 24/02/2025 15:46

Don’t be silly. Just reply.

Diningtableornot · 24/02/2025 15:47

What would you hope to achieve by not replying?
If you want them to know you are offended and hurt about being an afterthought, it's better to tell them that directly. Otherwise they might guess that you just forgot to reply, or that you're a bit rude.
If you don't want them to know that, just reply saying you can't make it.

Coffeeishot · 24/02/2025 15:48

The other kids were involved in the adults mainly your dad toing and froing it was awkward for everyone your step sister is just trying to keep the peace.

pimplebum · 24/02/2025 15:49

they held a south baby shower that you were invited to and attended

there was a second baby shower , held in the north, which initially you were not invited to but after your dad blabbed you got an invite

don’t go if too much hassle

at least you were invited ?

Coffeeishot · 24/02/2025 15:50

Sorry my autocorrect jumped straight to sister, I appreciate you said sibling.

SofaSpuds · 24/02/2025 15:51

From what I've read you've already been to a "local" shower, so there's no need to travel to a 2nd one. Just say thanks, but no thanks.

Yerblues · 24/02/2025 15:53

I would take a step back from this side of the family as it is making you anxious and unhappy. Hopefully you have a good relationship with your mum. Maybe think about some counselling to work through your feelings which are entirely justified.

CoastalCalm · 24/02/2025 15:54

I don’t think they’ve done anything wrong - they had two separate events to make it convenient for family down south - I wouldn’t feel slighted by not being invited to the N version and no issues with replying thanks but it’s too far to travel etc

Justlurking101 · 24/02/2025 15:54

would you have gone to both if given more notice? Your step/ half / whatever sister is obviously trying to accommodate family and friends in both locations. I doubt many are invited to both, I wouldn't have wanted an invite to the one a 4 hour plus drive away. Just politely decline and wish her well.

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 24/02/2025 15:58

I would reply but I would think very seriously about my relationship with my father going forward.

Once he got another family, he has sidelined you both to the most appalling degree. How have you squared that away OP?

CloudywMeatballs · 24/02/2025 15:59

Of course you're being unreasonable not to reply! You certainly shouldn't feel like you should attend, especially as you've already been to one. But what would not replying achieve? "Thanks for the invitation but I won't be able to make it."

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 24/02/2025 15:59

Lovely to hear your presents were so great they want you to bring more to them, but you're not Amazon.

Hollyhedge · 24/02/2025 16:03

Just don’t go OP. I know how hard step families are and it’s best to protect yourself. I am very selective about what I go to. Do everything on your terms.

Tillow4ever · 24/02/2025 16:04

Imagine if they'd sent you the invite from the off - would you hand been on here calling them a CF for inviting you to two baby showers?

I think there's a few different things going on that all feel intertwined. I don't see anything wrong with you only being invited to one shower and at least someone noticed you were upset so went out of their way to invite you - they clearly didn't want to upset you, look at it that way!

I think you should reply thanking them for the kind invitation but explain it's too far away and wish them a happy day.

Hollyhedge · 24/02/2025 16:04

Hollyhedge · 24/02/2025 16:03

Just don’t go OP. I know how hard step families are and it’s best to protect yourself. I am very selective about what I go to. Do everything on your terms.

Sorry missed the point. Reply, sorry can’t make this one. No reply seems a bit pointless

Snorlaxo · 24/02/2025 16:06

Is it possible that all of the invites were sent when you received yours? Is it possible that stepsister arranged her baby shower around her mom’s availability so she (and by extension your dad) knew before the date was set?

If you don’t want to go or can’t go then don’t but what does not replying achieve ? You know that they have a history of rejecting you and if it is a pity invite then you’re not required to go. 🤷‍♀️

If you want to continue a relationship then send some gifts online and keep it polite but if I knew you irl then I’d be asking you why you wanted a relationship with people who aren’t bothered with you. I know that you’re biologically programmed to want your dad to love you but there’s decades of proof that he doesn’t love you how you’d like to be loved. He sees you as lesser than his stepchildren and any amount of chasing him won’t change that. It sounds like you know this deep down 😢

Guavafish1 · 24/02/2025 16:07

You have other plans… thanks for invite

also no one goes to 2 baby showers

EverySaturday · 24/02/2025 16:08

I can see why you are hurt by your dad and step mum's behaviour in the past, and possibly your adult siblings and step siblings too. It's horrible to be excluded from your own family. I think that's making you overreact to this situation.
If you're having multiple baby showers it's grabby to expect people to attend more than one! Your dad noticed you felt left out and told your step sibling, who then invited you.
Reply to say you can't make it.

snotathing · 24/02/2025 16:10

I'm not sure I'd have gone to one baby shower, never mind two. You've done your bit, decline the second one.

Your father sounds like a dose.

pizzaHeart · 24/02/2025 16:16

Tillow4ever · 24/02/2025 16:04

Imagine if they'd sent you the invite from the off - would you hand been on here calling them a CF for inviting you to two baby showers?

I think there's a few different things going on that all feel intertwined. I don't see anything wrong with you only being invited to one shower and at least someone noticed you were upset so went out of their way to invite you - they clearly didn't want to upset you, look at it that way!

I think you should reply thanking them for the kind invitation but explain it's too far away and wish them a happy day.

I agree with this ^ - different things are intertwined here
you were upset and your dad and your stepsister actually considered it straight away. It’s good. Please reply and be polite just say that you can’t do this unfortunately but wish them well and so on. Don’t be passive aggressive.
However it sounds like your dad behaved as a twat a lot towards you in the past. Maybe it’s worth to chat with him about it or just leave it and only react on every separate thing without remembering the past.
But do reply.

FranticHare · 24/02/2025 16:23

By itself this is an isolated incident it would seem petty to ignore the invite.

But in the context of all the history, I completely get it.

Maybe it's time to take a step back. Reply, but short and sweet - sorry, already got plans. Then decide how you want the future relationship to work.

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