WIBU to switch therapist? Don't know what to do

[TherapyShmerapy]

NC for this.
I have had the same therapist for just over 5 years. She has helped me through a really difficult time including a messy divorce with my ex, having SEN kids, my exH taking me to court and me coming to terms with being a 50/50 parent (something I have found really difficult), redundancy, and also some childhood abuse issues which has been really helpful.

When I lost my job she halved the cost of our sessions.

That being said, I have struggled with the following:

• she has had to cancel 3 sessions at short notice since December; 1 for a family emergency, 1 as she had flu and 1 this week which she didn't say why, but she said she'd meant to tell me and had forgotten
• she said that she'd send me a reminder text for our sessions the day before (am ADHD and terribly disorganised) but this only happens about ¾ of the time
• she moved away (like to the other end of the country) and forgot to tell me she was moving till a few weeks beforehand. We'd already moved to online as it was during Covid but I did initially feel a bit weirded out that there was suddenly this massive distance between us. I actually prefer online as it means I don't have to travel. And I've found that it's actually been OK
• I'm not sure she 'gets' how abusive my exH was, and continues to be. I did try and raise this with her and she acknowledged he is "challenging" but has never used the word abusive in relation to him. My cousin's therapist told her that her ex (who was also abusive) is a narcissist! I know you're not supposed to diagnose people if you haven't met them... But I wish my one would realise just how awful my ex is. I work with people who have personality disorders and I'm sure my exH has one
• my best friend is also seeing a therapist. BF and I are both using dating apps (Tinder, Bumble etc). BF has shared some words of wisdom from her therapist and they are really wise. I almost feel jealous of my friend for having a better therapist (although her therapist is very 'says it like it is' and I prefer a gentler approach)

I shopped around for a therapist after I realised that I needed more than the standard 6 sessions on the NHS. The NHS one I saw recommended my one (she said she wasn't supposed to give out names but could see my desperation I guess?) along with a couple of others who were fully booked or I didn't really like as much.

So as not to drip-feed, my therapist has done a masters in therapy and is registered. She has been a therapist for over 20 years.

I wonder if maybe I have just been seeing the same person for too long? But on the other hand she knows me really well and it would take time, a lot of time I think, to build up a rapport with someone new; also just the stuff like knowing who I am referring to if I mention am ex from decades ago

If anyone has any advice if they are in therapy themselves / are working as therapists / just generally knows about therapy I would be really grateful. Thank you

I'm a retired therapist. The most important part of any client/counsellor relationship is the therapeutic alliance - the bond between the two people that enables trust. That matters much more than the length of their practice or their qualifications or their preferred modality.

It sounds as if, for a variety of fairly minor reasons your therapeutic alliance is weakening. You are having doubts about the working relationship.

You could tackle this in two ways - you could tell your therapist what you have told us and work through your doubts together and after that process, either stay with them or move on. Or you could just go with your gut and move on now. Either way is perfectly valid. You are the client and the customer and you make the choices.

FWIW I found changing my therapists once in a while very useful. Every one of them was different. Some I liked more than others but they all gave me fresh perspectives.

Tough one. I found my own years ago and no one ever compared. Everyone else downplayed alot of my experience with people ( they're sociopaths and narcissistic - no exaggeration). One suggested my illnesses were psychological. They are not ffs.

The one I have says it as it is. That's god damn hard, but I need it. I ask for it . Reality is everything when you're surrounded by people who gaslight.

You say you like the softer approach and is that possibly the best thing ? Accepting your own flaws is really essential in healing and that's hard to face. I've had to face it. It's hard shit.

The one area id struggle with is about the ex. I'd find that really difficult if I felt they didn't get it. The other stuff I could be ok with.

It's all down to personality and personal fit tbh. I know my own therapist has experiences similar to mine. That's why it works. You just can't see that on a CV. Maybe try out a few others ( older women) and see how it feels. Avoid CBT types I think.

I agree with the first poster. However, I would say that I think some of your asks are a bit unreasonable. Not letting you know that she is moving away, when all your sessions are online for example. A therapist wouldn’t typically tell a client they were moving home unless it impacted on them as it’s a personal matter.
With regard to not ‘getting’ the abuse from your exH I imagine it’s exactly what you’ve said. She is mindful she is hearing your representation of what has happened - I’m sure she believes you and privately thinks he’s an abusive wanker but doesn’t want to cross into a line of giving an opinion on someone she’s never met. She’s there to support you, not to comment on the behaviour of someone else. If she is not being empathetic about how you feel about his abuse, that’s different, but it sounds like she’s keeping it professional.
With the reminders, I’d just say directly that you need them to be consistent or they aren’t worth doing. I’d also be annoyed if the cancelling sessions continued long term, but if it hasn’t been an issue before in 5 years, she probably has her own stuff going on like everyone else. I wouldn’t expect her to explain why she has to cancel really.

It sounds a bit like someone getting annoyed in a long-term relationship. No major issues but small things are starting to grate on you and you now have to weigh up if it’s worth going elsewhere. Maybe what you want from a therapist has changed. There will always be pros and cons to any relationship so I would give it a bit longer so as not to make a rash decision and then consider if you want to look elsewhere.

I think you should bring all of this up with your therapist because it might be a fruitful exploration into how you relate with other people.

But remember – she is a human being. She gets ill and has to cancel work like anyone else. It doesn't mean she's not committed to you. Therapists are trained to not self disclose.

Similarly, I don't see why she should have to let you know that she moved if you're only working online.

I think it's unreasonable to expect reminders. You should put it in your online calendar with an alert, or in your weekly diary.

(I'm a therapist in training).

Thank you all very much for the replies.

I am really appreciative.

I am wondering if she was a good fit a few years ago because I really needed a gentle approach. I was an absolute mess and my life was in tatters. But maybe now I am a bit more resilient I could handle someone who's a bit less 'fuzzy' (not denigrating her skill-set; she has got me where I am today to a very large extent).

The moving house thing was weird because she had to interrupt a session to take a call from an estate agent 😳 so then she told me and apologised for not mentioning it sooner. But aside from this I know very little about her personal life, as it should be.

I like the analogy to a long-term relationship; maybe this is what I am feeling. As it has been ages. I don't know whether there is a set time / recommended time you spend with a therapist before it becomes less effective?

@Wishyouwerehere50 thank you for your reply. Yes I have tried CBT in the past and it didn't help at all. I would want another therapist who does what the current one does (transactional analysis I think?) What you said Reality is everything when you're surrounded by people who gaslight has really resonated... My ex gaslight me constantly as did his family and I think that is why it is so important that she gets that my ex is an awful person. Though yeah maybe she does think that in private!

@Namechangefordaughterevasion could I ask did you have clients being very upfront about their feelings if they had a quibble? I have not heard of the therapeutic alliance; that is really helpful so thank you for explaining.

It was highly unprofessional of her to pause a session to speak to an estate agent. She should have called them back.

Well that was my thinking but it was really urgent; I think it was to accept the house which she was moving to. Which is why she told me she was moving house!

Are you still paying half price? Because I think this might be the key point - I'm afraid that when I offer my clients a discount (I'm not a therapist) to help them, I a) expect them to get back to full price as quickly as possible and b) quite honestly, expect them to understand that I'm doing them a favour and that I can't quite prioritise them the way I'd like to. I'm not sure that's entirely fair, but it is what it is.

So I'd say if you're not paying full price, you're not getting full quality either.

@Sunat45degrees that is an interesting pointless!! Yes still paying lower price as lost my better-paying job and still earning about half of what I used to.
I would have thought that for therapy there would be a code of ethics against giving lower-paying clients / customers an inferior service though? Though I can understand if she needs to cancel someone for an appointment or something then she'd cancel me rather than someone paying double.

Hi @TherapyShmerapy

I found adults were would often leave rather than express negative opinions of me which I fully understood and respected - after all I have done the same! I worked a lot with adolescents who were much more vocal about any negativity. It was often very useful.

Like @Sunat45degrees I would also be a little wary of someone who reduced their fees by so much and indefinitely. Not because they would provide a lesser service. That would be unethical and I know from my own experience I was just as conscientious with clients I saw as a volunteer or intern as I was with paying clients.

That being said I think reducing the fees by so much might indicate she is struggling to find paid work and is becoming financially dependent on you. That feels like an unsafe space to me. . I'd also be a little wary of someone who values their own services so little that they would be willing to work for half the going rate.

Regarding not saying that your ex is abusive, perhaps she doesn't want to stoke the flames of your feelings?
As you say, she's helped you a lot and I don't think that's to be taken lightly.
On the other hand, perhaps it's time for some fresh input as others have commented.
Regarding your friend's 'wise' therapist, perhaps it’s a case of 'the grass is greener on the other side'?

Like you say, she's not going to diagnose a person she has never met with a personality disorder (nor would she have the qualifications to do so I would imagine - a Clinical Psychologist or Consultant Psychiatrist would do that, but even then, they'd have to do a detailed / extended assessment of the person). So it would not be helpful for her to suggest to you that he has a personality disorder, however vindicated it would make you feel.

Oh that's a horrible thought!! 😱😭
I don't like the idea of her being financially dependent on me. It makes me feel quite ill.

From what I can tell she has other clients, when I needed to change from our usual slot because I had the dentist or something she seemed quite fully-booked.

I guess she might be semi-retired at this point though, I dunno how old she is but I would think very late 50's or early 60's.

@876543A yes absolutely I would not expect her to diagnose anything in relation to my exH I am not sure why my cousin's therapist said that to her - she isn't the sort to lie but maybe it was crossed wires. But I am not sure if she really 'gets' how horrible he is and that stings a bit.

Oh without a doubt it is very much "grass is greener" I just feel like my friend is really benefitting from therapy (which is great) but I see her making all this headway and wonder why I am not having breakthroughs like she is. Although my friend has got a completely different set of life history and current circumstances to me so it's not really comparing like with like.

I think some people are being a bit harsh about the therapist charging half fees!
I vote for her being a nice, kind person who doesn't want to profit from your troubles.
I know it's a business but not exactly like selling double glazing.

I am hoping it is not the case. She does seem like a nice person? Though I guess that is partly because of the job and how she is paid to listen to me 🙈 😅

I think it's quite bad minded to tag someone as potentially halving fees for malign reasons. How about she is wanting to continue working with you because she cares and believes people should be able to access good quality therapy regardless of circumstance? Perhaps she is loyal?

That said I do feel switching up therapists periodically could be a helpful thing to do. It's also good to have complete breaks from time to time.

How can you switch therapists OP if you're only paying half fees? You're taking advantage of this woman. If she's not helping then you should stop the sessions

I don't think that this is the case; I think that she is probably loyal. She does seem like a good egg. I am just in a tizz about how useful my sessions with her now and thinking about whether switching it up would be a good idea as I been with her for so long now.

I don't think I am taking advantage! She offered to go down to a lower rate when I had to change my job. I wouldn't have dreamed of asking her to lower the price of the sessions. I am still earning the lower salary hence me not moving back up to the higher rate I was originally paying.

There are a few charities that offer counselling and therapy at a sliding scale which are in my new, lower budget so I would be limited in who I could see if I changed but it would not be impossible .