What do I do?

[Wishiwaswidow]

So, ex has just called as I requested to change days with the children to ever other weekend. He has disagreed and now said he will have them 50% of the time and not pay me maintenance.

Do you have a court order or place or an informal arrangement?

What's the current arrangement?

What were you changing the days from? Any reason?

I thought it would be fair on everybody to do every other weekend as I work Sunday Monday Tuesday.

It’s just a Sunday at the minute and he drops them back home after a school on a Monday and tuesday

I don't normally do this, but Jesus, OP, your username is crass.

I'd agree with him and hold him to it too. There's no way he will want to parent full time 50% of the time

Unless there are other issues, I would be inclined to accept full 50:50 and increase my work hours to cover the reduced maintenance.

Without any more context it is impossible to say whether you are BU.

Why did you want to change it?
How is his relationship with DC?
How old are they?
Why can't he have them more?
Is the primary reason because you would get less maintenance?

Sorry obviously somebody in a loving relationship wouldn’t feel that way but he has put me through hell. It was lighthearted really honestly

Thanks for the apology. I get what you mean and I'm sorry you're going through such difficulties but as someone who has had to tell their child that her dad has died and is never coming back, it is pretty jarring to see people wishing that horrific experience on themselves. I hope you get things sorted.

I wanted to change it because he is late picking them up every single Sunday by 90minutes at least. I have to have all their uniforms ready and ironed and they have to go to wrap around care when really it is not needed as I can pick them up.

I honestly did not mean to offend you and I’m so sorry for your loss. Honestly it wasn’t meant that way I am just so sick of dealing with one thing after another.

If its 50/50 you do nothing, he buys uniform for when they're at his and pays for and does everything related to that week. How much child support does he currently pay?

No worries OP. Thanks for apologising. All the best with it.

Currently 500 pm as he only has them one night per week

I understand why you wrote it. Sometimes I'd wish that just to feel safe and so my DD could feel safe and unconflicted. Not that it wouldn't be horribly hard for them and i wouldn't want them to go through that, but its the only way I could imagine ever feeling completely safe again. Everytime I think things are settling down he does something and the kids are back being really distressed after seeing him. I don't claim CS though, too worried about how he'd react and he threatens to go for 50/50 if i do. If the hell he's put you through involves abuse I'd be fighting it every step of the way.

So you want him to do every other weekend, plus pick them up from school and have them Monday and Tuesdays then drop them back to yours (so they don't count as overnights for CM purposes}?

Honestly, I can see that him having them 50/50 isn't an enormous jump from that. Why can't he have them Mondays and Tuesday overnight? So you have them every Thursday & Friday plus every other weekend, he has them Monday and Tuesday (which he's already doing school pick ups for) and every other weekend and then you do alternate Wednesdays. It would probably be a better routine for the kids with less to-ing and fro-ing, and deals with your childcare issues.

Or is it all about you want his money rather than what works for the children?

No not at all. I am happy for him to have them one night in the week when it isn’t his weekend. It’s not about the money. He is always late picking them up and I thought it would be easier for everybody when it isn’t a school day

You could agree to 50/50, but then you run the risk that he will stop the maintenance and still mess about with being late, not collecting them, constantly wanting to swap days or get you to do extra days or nights.

If he is not reliable, keep the maintenance and just alter your expectations of him, i.e. don't let it bother you if he is late or drops days or wants to swap.

If you want to go out of an evening, do it on one of your days/nights and get a proper babysitter. That way, his behaviour won't affect you.

But why only one night in the week? He does the school runs Monday and Tuesday - why can't he have them overnight on those days? I think it would be a much nicer and more relaxed day for the children to be picked up from school and stay in that same house for the rest of the evening rather than being shuffled around from home to home on those evenings.

In fact, what is your objection to him having them 50/50?

Sorry I will elaborate a bit more. He lives in a 1 bed flat and the kids sleep on air beds. He can have them 2 nights that week if he likes but I could think of a million reasons why it is better for the children to see him every other weekend. Quality time, no messing around with school uniforms, what time he picks them up etc. he said he is willing to take me to court which is fine but I think I’m being fair as he has called the shots since we split

What’s the objection to 50/50? How old are the kids and what do they want?

Is he abusive to the kids?

I would suggest that any changes to the arrangement are done on a one month trial basis. If he’s a useless parent who won’t get their things together or will always be late etc. he will probably realise it’s not worth the hassle.

He also has sleep apnea and falls asleep at the drop of a hat, personally don’t think he should be driving. Can never turn up on time to literally anything. It’s just a mess

If he wasn't paying child maintenance could he afford to rent a 2 bed? £500 would probably cover an extra bedroom with money to spare.

You keep saying "he can have them 2 nights" as if it's up to you to "give" him time. It's not. You are both parents - why can't it be 50/50? Why do you get to decide how many days he gets?

Every other weekend, plus then staying over on the two nights a week he's already doing the school run and after school care is really not far off of 50/50 anyway. So why not agree to 50/50 so that frees up the money for him to house them more appropriately? He could do Friday night through to Wednesday school drop off one week and Monday after school to Wednesday school drop off the following. That only differs from the every other weekend and Tuesday and Wednesday after school by them staying overnight with him during the week on the days he has them after school anyway.

I think if I was expected to do every other weekend plus two evening pick ups a week I'd want to formalise it and make it 50/50 too, as it's already so close to that.