I have been with my partner for almost 6.5 years. When we met, he had a 6-year-old and a 10-month-old. The relationship broke down with his ex because she is, and has always been, very high conflict, abusive, and narcissistic. She still causes us issues to this day, yet my partner doesn't take any action. He won't take her to court or pursue legal measures. All the boundaries that have been established were done by me. I often draft diplomatic messages from him to her on his behalf; otherwise, he either won’t reply, which antagonizes her more, or when he does respond, he misses half of the information
He often doesn’t take events seriously, such as when his children have been neglected, coerced, and subjected to physical abuse and violence from their mother, or when he has himself been a victim of domestic abuse and violence from her. The only subjects he shows passion for are money and football. He is more upset with her for taking him to the CMS than for the torment and abuse she has inflicted on their kids, him, and me over the last six years, which is why he hasn’t taken her to court—money!
My partner has a stable job and a good salary. He is good with money and has the resources to take his ex-partner to court. I've suggested a non-molestation order, family arrangement plans, and parenting plans, all of which would cost no more than £300 each if he were to pursue that route.
We have his children 40% of the time, and since my partner and I have been together, I have consistently purchased around 95% of his children's clothing and about 50% of their footwear. I also pay for the food shopping, which means I help provide most meals for his children.
Additionally, we have a 3.5-year-old son together, for whom I pay for all necessities, including shoes, clothing, toys, food, nursery fees, and most outings.
When my partner and I met, he owned the four-bedroom property we currently live in, which he purchased 11 years ago. Until I lost my job at 28 weeks pregnant, I was contributing between £300 and £500 per month for my share of the bills.
<rewrite>When we discovered I was pregnant, he was unhappy, and we almost broke up because of his reaction. After some time, we resolved our differences and continued with the pregnancy. However, my partner barely contributed to anything we needed for the baby. Most of the expenses were covered by me, except for £1,000 worth of building work that he paid for, which included boxing in under the stairs and converting an external cupboard into a built-in wardrobe for the baby's room. The rest of the expenses were paid for by family and me.
I felt constant pressure to contribute financially, which led me to take a full-time job at a scrap metal site. I lied about my pregnancy in order to earn as much as possible before the baby arrived. After 11 weeks, I informed them about my pregnancy (27 weeks), and then they terminated my contract as soon as I hit 12 weeks, making me 28 weeks pregnant. I continued searching for another job to supplement my earnings before the baby came. I got another job, due to start at 37 weeks pregnant, but on the morning, I was supposed to start, I panicked because I couldn’t find anything baggy enough to hide my pregnancy. I finally admitted defeat and decided it wasn’t a good idea to go through with it. My partner never told me not to pursue the job or reassured me that we'd be okay financially. He was content for me to continue paying him and to support his children financially.
When I was induced, he spent most of the time on his work laptop. I went through a traumatic birth, which led to postpartum depression. My partner took a week off after our son was born, but again, he spent most of that time working from home and didn’t take all of his paternity leave.
I had an emergency C-section with our son. I was in a lot of pain, and we didn't know that at this point I had a severe infected seroma brewing, which resulted in being re-admitted to the hospital. The first night we were home with him, I stood clutching onto his next to me crib, in agony while trying to give myself a Clexane injection, which I was unable to do. Tears were running down my face while my partner lay in bed, fast asleep, and didn’t offer me a single bit of help or check if I was okay or need help getting into bed.
Our son woke up in the night hungry, but my milk still hadn't come in. I then had to struggle down two flights of stairs (we live in a townhouse) in pain and not very mobile while holding our two-day-old newborn to go downstairs to sterilise a bottle and try to make him formula. I had to tuck my son into my maternity bra to give me both hands to make his bottle. My partner didn’t wake once or offer help, and in the morning, his excuse was that he had done a lot of driving that week and continued to barely help.
Despite me only earning a maternity allowance, my partner still allowed me to buy clothes for his children and provide for them, both food and clothing, but he never gave me a single penny towards anything for them or our son. He rarely brought nappies yet brought his other son nappies. He didn't do a single night feed, wasn't emotionally supportive, and to this day I cannot trust him to look after our son properly, despite him already having two other kids!
I haven't paid anything towards the house for the last 3.5 years, simply because I couldn't afford to. The agreement now is that I pay for the food shopping and provide the majority of what his children need at our house + my own bills. I pay for everything regarding our son, having covered nursery fees ranging from £500 to £1000 over the last 2.5 to 3 years.
He pays his ex £340 per month in child maintenance, which he dislikes and often complains about. However, when his kids come to us, I’m the one who pays for their food, clothing, etc, and some activities, and days out.
My partner pays for our holidays but makes me feel like I don’t contribute. All the clothes, shoes, suitcases, sun creams, and toiletries we use are paid for by me, which I believe costs more than my share of any holiday he finances. Additionally, I am the one who washes, irons, and packs for all five of us, both before and after our trips.
He recently bought me a car that cost £3,000 in total, as my old car, which was still fine, was getting old. He allowed me to keep the £1,500 I received for my old car, which helped cover the shortfall in my wages over Christmas since my job temporarily cut our hours. I, of course, spent this on him and all the kids.
I've become someone I no longer like or recognise. I rarely do anything for myself, and when I do, my partner often throws it in my face. He frequently reminds me that he bought me a car, which is why I kept my old car for so long - I didn’t want him to buy me one.
I'm feeling increasingly distant and detached from this man. I've realised he hasn't treated me well and is quite selfish and unsupportive. However, I feel a strong obligation not to leave his kids, but I can’t keep doing this.
He often gets upset because I am not affectionate towards him and frequently give him the cold shoulder, resulting in little interaction or love.
Is it me, or is it him?