hello all,
I guess I’ve just been thinking and reflecting tonight. I have rebuilt my life after going through hell&back and for once I’m actually at peace. I have a good family, opportunities such as a job and I drive, my own finances and independence etc, a best friend, friends and more recently, a partner. Everything feels nice and I am at peace with life & myself. However. I have been having some issues with a family member, she’s been with her DP for over a year not sure how long, and I have seen her DP’s brother’s girlfriend is pregnant and they look so so happy. She is my age, & I think to myself I will not have that. I do not want sympathy or to attention seek but even though I am with a nice man who I have an intense and real connection with, I don’t think I could trust a man enough to have a baby with. I have been through horrendous experiences that I won’t name and I am still deep down waiting for him and loved ones to run away due to experiences and abuse that date back to being a child. I have huge abandonment issues mixed with disgusting experiences of the world & I can’t believe I have came so far in life to feel at peace. It’s something I never would of expected but there’s always a pang like why other women and not me? It’s the same with an old friend of mine- she’s been with her boyfriend years and they go on holidays , moved in together etc.
i just feel everyone has their life together with pregnancies, engagement etc and here’s little old me- trying to open myself up to men when deep down I feel emotionally unavailable. I do have strong feelings for my boyfriend & feel he’s very handsome, lovely, he is so good to me and gives me stuff that’s very authentic and from the heart but if he walked away tomorrow I would survive and think- another one bites the dust. Whereas before I would be in bits and not wanna live.
i guess what I’m trying to say is, I am happy with life but I feel it’s always really just going to be the same- me being a floater background character to people while the real people they want and lovely milestones happen to them I just fill in the gaps. I want these things for myself and there is so much more to life but I don’t know- I always feel a sad pang when I see these pregnancy announcements & these beautiful women having it all when I know that deep down I am damaged goods & a very misunderstood person. I’ve been hurt so much and I just hope that I find my way soon and people stop leaving me:( I guess I just need some affirmative words/advice/ a real look at the situation
thanks if you read until the end xx