At breaking point with dd please help

[Pebblesthepug74]

She's 20. Been volatile all her life. Does have adhd. I'm too upset and poorly at the moment to go into details but she is being so unreasonable, emotionally abusive, banging and damaging things in the house that we've just improved. I literally can't take anymore.
How long are you supposed to put up with this at her age? If I tell her to leave will she be given any help? I'm pretty desperate here and there's a younger sibling to consider too.

Hi OP

it sounds tough.

Can you speak to one of the charities or Social Services?

Does your DD have any medication and if so, is she taking it? What’s your GP like - if you went because of your own anxiety would they offer to see DD so that they can refer her on to other services?

Apologies if you’ve already thought of these options - just trying to help you find a solution before it gets to the stage where you’re asking her to leave.

Hope you get some assistance either here on MN or elsewhere.

Tell her that if she doesn't calm down you're going to ask her to leave.

I'd tell her to leave it's her problem if she has nowhere to go as she could be staying with you if she wasn't behaving like that. May give her a shock and make her buck herself up. Let her k ow you won't be putting up with it and she can get out if she carries on. If she thinks she can carry on with it and ypu won't do anything why will she stop?

People with ADHD aren’t inherently anti social abusers. I would ask her to move out. I don’t think there’ll be much help for her. Is she in work or education?

I think you need to shock her with a discussion about how her behaviour is affecting others in the family and if it doesn't improve she'll have to move out . No ifs no buts she goes .

Our dd was the same, made our lives a misery. Autism/adhd/mental health issues.
We told her to find somewhere to live and although that was rocky- she’s now realised she’s much happier in her own space.

Been volatile all her life ... So what boundaries have you, as a parent, already established? Because this doesn't sound like your DD is suddenly exhibiting behaviours that you find difficult, instead it seems that she's behaving like she always has and, now she's 20, you'd like rid and want some reassurance that she'll 'get help' from others.

My DD has autism and ADHD. She's a bit older than yours. No, there isn't any help. We, as parents, were (and still are) the help. She did move out at one point (of her own free will) and later came back home severely underweight and mentally in shreds. However, the 6+ years in weekly face to face therapy (that we paid for) mean she's now able to regulate her emotions, hold down a full-time professional (extremely well paid) job and enjoy a stable relationship with her partner of several years.

One of the keys to successfully parenting my DD was recognising the various comorbidities, e.g. the links between autism/ADHD and PMDD. This helped us to help her seek medical interventions. Same with OCD. In other words, once we understood what was going on, we were able to get the right treatment, which in turn improved everyone's lives enormously. Obviously, this was a process and took time throughout adolescence.

But to answer your question, how long are you supposed to put up with it? I work on the basis that I'll always be the parent, no matter how old my kids are, I'm their mum - and they're all around 30ish. This is probably because one of my kids is severely disabled and so I never imagined a life where I wouldn't be caring.

Does she have a job or is she studying, and drugs/alcohol involved?
If you are concerned for your younger child, get school safeguarding or SS involved. SS might be able to help your DD if she’s vulnerable

OP I dont wish to sound mean but everyone needs boundaries and consequences. What do you implement with your dd?

This is true. I’d just mention that having adhd usually means you will have been told off, criticised, ridiculed, misunderstood, called crazy and weird since the age of about 6. even with diagnosis and support, you are strange in society.

Ill give these points in case it does help but obviously I don’t know OP’s daughter’s exact circumstances:

• See the other thread about a woman’s husband who has dark thoughts too - many (not all I don’t think?) people with adhd suffer with this constant level of disturbing or depressing thoughts too. It’s hard to have this on your mind all the time but not know how to talk about it.

• Masking every day because you’re aware people will think you’re strange if you say and behave in the way that comes naturally. It is all exhausting and confusing. Also, people will often get themselves into bad relationships/friendships to fuel dopamine so she might have this to contend with too so might be contributing.

• At the age of 20, she is now expected to be an adult. All the boring stuff that comes with that is expected but she doesn’t have the capacity to do that. You know when you tell a child that they need to clean their room or put their shoes on to leave so they won’t be late and they just won’t. That’s basically your daughter’s brain stage when it comes to adulting. Yet her social brain stage KNOWS she should be able to do these things and is battling it. So all those thinned that people have said to her - any time a friend laughed at her for being her. Any time a teacher told her she was lazy and just needed to ‘try harder’, your daughter is likely now saying these things to her self - telling herself she’s just stupid or lazy or an idiot because why is this adult thing so difficult.

• she is angry. She is lashing out and wants attention. If you think about her as a child this will help the way you approach her. It is very tempting to scream you’re an adult behave like one but you literally have an adult daughter with a neurological disability. You wouldn’t scream at a person with autism struggling with social anxiety to ‘just go to the networking event you’re an adult adults need to socialise in busy places to get a job and function like the rest of society’. It’s obviously appalling behaviour what she’s doing but you’re trying to reason with a sad angry child part of her brain whilst contending with the adult woman part who is trying to be independent and doesn’t understand why she’s acting like a crazy bratty child and is unable to launch into the world smoothly. She’s likely (again don’t know your personal circumstances) dealing with trauma, micro or macro or both, and just wants you to acknowledge that and hug her and treat her like a child (but feels too confused and stupid to just tel you that because the rest of her brain is adult and knows that’s not socially acceptable)

• You be also probably hurt her throughout her life and even if you think you haven’t it might go a long way to helping her and your relationship if you just acknowledge and apologised (sincerely) for anything she has felt hurt by.

• being pressured by your parents to be an adult is very hard when your brain isn’t one. It makes you angry at your parents because it feels like being criticised every day. This drives a wedge. Remember she literally has a disability.

hope it works out and you get some help do you too as it must be horrible to be on the receiving end

I'm utterly shocked at the amount of mums who are saying she should be told to move out.

She didn't suddenly wake up and start behaving like this, this would have been going on for a while, probably since childhood. What did you do to set boundaries when she was a child?

That sounds tough, OP.

With my ADHD, depressed, angry outbursts DC at that age i said that things must change or they would have to leave. We agreed a 3 month trial period. It was ok, a little rough but not how it was before as we all took care about avoiding triggers etc. The DC included.

After the 3 months we had learned how to rub along together, it wasn't perfect but it was ok. And so we extended the trial by 3 months with the aim of enjoying all living together. And things improved, because we were aware of triggers to triggers, IYSWIM?, and we actually had a lot more fun. But.

During that time DC realised that one of the things that wasn't helping (find a job, get therapy etc etc) was knowing that we were always there with a safety net and understanding. (tbh i did a lot of screaming into pillows - I did tell DC this but only a few years later). So DC found a house share with with people who don't put up with people breaking the house rules. And it works really well. Therapy is ongoing, medication started and there is a part-time job that is going well.

Failing an agreement - give one month's notice that they are out on their ear if this doesn't stop now. Does your DD work? go to college/uni?

In emotional maturity and executive function she may 3 years behind her chronological age - I can't believe people are saying make her leave, would you make a 17 year old leave?
If she's going to move out then she needs your help and support with that - but go about it in a positive way rather than telling her she has to leave. It sounds like she's pretty lost and out of control ,if she's always been volatile how has this been managed? Is she on meds for ADHD? Is she working?

I probably would ask a 17 year old to leave if they were being abusive and damaging property, yes.

Failing that, I would call the police if there's physical violence occurring, including damaging property.

I was a younger sibling in a situation like this one growing up, and I spent my teens suicidal because of it. Eventually I called the police myself to stop the violence. No matter how vulnerable someone is, the behaviour can't be allowed to continue.

So at what age do you feel OP can have her home abused until? 21? 25? 45?

People say they are astounded that the 20 year old should be asked to move out.

Yet, in threads like these several posters ignore the OPs ongoing and reasonable distress at being abused by her daughter and imply the OP as if should just take a bashing because they are a mother.

Do mothers not have human rights? It seems not to me sometimes.

It sounds harsh to suggest kicking the daughter out but she's 20 and making the OP ill! How long is she supposed to tolerate this aggressive behaviour? What if the daughter is still living there and smashing up the place and making everyone unhappy (and probably scared) in another five years time?
The daughter needs to know there are consequences to actions.

Absolutely tell her to move out, this is awful, and she knows she can just act like that and get away with it. Time for the tough love approach

OP doesn't say DD is making her ill. She says she is ill. Might have nothing to do with the DD. Perhaps the OP has been ill a while and DD has been coping with this throughout her childhood.

Who says the DD is smashing things up? OP states 'banging' and is annoyed that the house they've 'just improved' isn't being treated the way they want.

Pretty sure DD could make a similar claim about emotional abuse.

It's tough being a parent, but they didn't ask to be born, we chose to bring them into the world. If 20 years is your max commitment as a parent, good for you, at least you know what you want.

Fine that the OP doesn't specifically state the DD is making her ill but that's the gist of it.
She also states that the daughter is damaging things and not just 'banging about'.
I'm well aware that it's tough being a parent and no, 20 is not my max commitment age but there has to come a point when you refuse to continue to tolerate behaviour that is affecting the whole household.
Oh and you're pretty sure the DD could make a claim about emotional abuse? What's that based on?