To still feel sad about my marriage breakdown 5 years on

[Justkeepswiimming]

I'll keep the backstory brief. Horrid end to my marriage, we'd known each other since teens. I'd adored him. He became increasingly cruel and unkind. Verbally and emotionally abusive. Left him during covid.

I've built my daughter and myself a life and home I'm proud of. He's moved on with another woman and seems deliriously happy. I feel pathetic to find it painful. I feel angry at myself for feeling sad about the what ifs and feeling resentful that he's moved on and is so happy and I feel doubtful I will be anything but single again. I don't hate being single, in fact I really do love my life but cannot suppress these ridiculous feelings of resentment and jealousy! Am I being totally pathetic? Are these normal feelings. How do I snap out of this!? I pride myself these days on being a strong, single woman, who supports herself. 🤣 this doesn't fit with that persona!

@Justkeepswiimming you're allowed to feel complicated emotions about it. Of course you do. Go easy on yourself. Perhaps in time it will pass, but if not - you're enjoying yourself anyway. Keep going. Sounds like you're doing brilliantly.

I think what you feel is totally normal. You're allowed to feel what you feel. Just remind yourself that you split with him for a reason and you've made a happy life for you and your daughter, you're a bloody star 🌟

Also, he may seem deliriously happy but I bet his life isn't as perfect as you imagine. If he was an arsehole to you, he will show his true colours in his new relationship eventually!

@Endofyear thank you!

Thank you @NotUpForBeingOuted

Give it a few years when you have found someone else and you are happy again you will probably think what a lucky escape you had and how much better that relationship is. But you are aloud to feel angry about it you can't help how you feel also be proud of yourself for leaving if he acted like that and tell yourself well done for not sticking round for it. Tell yourself what a lucky escape you had

Remember what you’re seeing of his new relationship is what he wants you to see and leopards rarely change their spots.

it’s normal to feel sad but you did the right thing splitting up.

I get how you feel. I am a similar amount of time single, in a similar situation but probably older than you.

I think we feel as we do because our exes behaved badly towards us but then skipped away to someone else with no consequences. Really they should be single forever, not us who were the loyal, loving partners. But it doesn't work like that.

I used to be privately full of rage & jealousy towards him & his new life but I am now definitely moving towards indifference, it just takes time.

It sounds like you have done brilliantly in building a new life. Keep doing what you are doing & know that what you have is real and is completely yours. His shiny new life & relationship probably isn't as shiny on the inside as it appears from the outside.

Thank you @Orangesinthebag. I appreciate your comment. I think you're made to feel like you shouldn't have these thoughts. It's good to know others do.

It's hard for you to see him living the life you wanted with someone else. However, I don't imagine that what he portrays is the reality. He's showing the everyine what he wants tge to see. I think you need to focus on improving what you are unhappy with in your life. You have already, presumably, had a lot of time where being with him made you miserable. Don't stay miserable without him. You have the power to make yourself happy and he no longer had the day to day access to you to influence how you feel.

Yes, absolutely, you are meant to be over it all within months even if the relationship ended badly. And you aren't supposed to resent his new life or his new partner because you should be thankful you're rid of him and he's now "their problem". But the reality is more complicated and nuanced than that and it can take a long time to process a split, particularly a long one that involved having a family together & therefore means you are forced to remain in touch.

I kept and still keep any negative feelings to myself because I knew my friends and family had a short attention span for them but I found an outlet on MN.

It's probably not hugely healthy to still be on here, I don't know, but reading other people's experiences made me realise that I was not the only one going through that kind of thing. In real life my friends and family all appear to be happily coupled up which made it harder too.

If he was verbally and emotionally abusive to you, then portraying an amazing relationship to you is likely a way of maintaining that abuse and control. No relationship is perfect.
You are grieving the lost potential of a relationship that meant a lot to you and it's healthy to process that.
All power to you for having the strength to get rid of an abusive partner and find a great new life. Being OK on your own is so empowering and better than having a total arsehole trying to ruin life for you.

Im sure it’s normal to feel resentment and jealousy when he’s ’moved on’ and you’re left holding the broken pieces. There a lot of good in living singly and I was reminded of this today when near neighbours had a blazing row (it actually scared me). You adored him and yet he has already has a new partner - that’s hurtful. You’ll recover but a fragment of you might always love him as you knew and loved him before he became abusive. It’s what I tell myself, anyway…(similar sounding situation). I hope you heal and take time to enjoy being you and being mum in a calm and homely environment x

@ForNoisyCat thank you for that. I hope the same for you. It's so hard and confusing.