To share my trauma timeline and ask...

[traumatraumatrayma]

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I'm 29, suffered a childhood of emotional and verbal abuse from my stepdad which caused a catalogue of issues in my adolescence. I also believe I have undiagnosed ADHD, and am diagnosed with depression.

2020 - 2022 - Partner A.
Partner A absolutely steamrollered into my life (he was working down here and lived hours away) and love bombed me. Long story short, he moved in, blindsided me, manipulated me, controlled me. It ended with lots of police involvement, a restraining order & I physically had to fight to want to live. It was truly the worst time of my life.

2022 - 2023 - Sobriety and Healing
During this time, I was sober, I started to go on solo holidays, I did lots of therapy and felt id truly resolved lots of my issues.

2023- Jan 2024 - Partner B.
I thought I was healed. I thought I would see the red flags 🚩. Nope... the same thing. I was love bombed, blindsided - Hell, I even ignored messages from his exes who TOLD me he was abusive - luckily though, I realised much sooner and was able to leave before the abuse got too bad.

During the next 6 months of being single I got a promotion, bought a brand new four bedroom house by myself, went on more solo holidays, lost 3 stone. Life was great.

October 2023 - Current- Partner C.
I met him on Bumble. He lives a few hours away so we met halfway and went on a few dates. He was shy and awkward at first and none of the 'fireworks' that A&C provided (usually red flags!!!). 5 months on, we are now together and I can hands down say he is the kindest man I've ever met. He treats me with so much respect and understanding. He adores me. He wants kids (as do I) more than anything and all of our priorities align. But... it doesn't feel enough. It feels frustrating to have someone who is ALWAYS calm and amiable. He never puts me in my place when I'm in the wrong (which is often!). He doesn't take control and will 'go with the flow'. We went on holiday this week and spending that amount of time with him just made me feel.. icky. But why. On paper I can clearly see that I'm with someone who is 1000x better than A&C, so why am I picking holes? Why am I more attracted to the blokes with the glint in their eye and the overconfidence? Why do I feel the sexual spark dwindling already.

Is it because I'm addicted to the toxicity or is partner C just not right for me?

Honestly, I don't even know how to untangle my own thoughts anymore. Please go easy on me. 😔

I'm addicted to the toxicity

I think this.

edit to add.. youre not just helaing from the partners of the last 5 years, you have to sort the childhood of emotional and verbal abuse

You're not healed. You think you are but you're not. Is therapy a possibility?

Following with interest

I think you should let partner go and spend some time getting to know yourself and dealing with your early trauma.

@toomuchfaff thank you.

I've had so much therapy. 3 different 'rounds'. I've finally accepted my past and let go of lots of resentment that I held for my mum. I am an educated woman and have done so much reading and learning about toxic abuse cycles and the psychology behind it, and yet, I still feel unfulfilled.

All I want is to have children. It's been my life long dream. I want to break the generational trauma and give my children the childhood I deserved, but how can I do that if I can't find someone that I'm A) happy with or B) that's not abusive?

Just to add - my friends have told me how AMAZING partner C is. A world away from A and B. Not the best looking but wonderfully kind and respectful. I've also introduced him to all my family. These things make me feel that leaving would be embarrassing and would be disappointing for people.

I also worry that his mental health wouldn't cope if I left...

You should never stay with someone because of other people’s opinions or fear of what it might do to them. And actually, if partner C’s mental health would be impacted by a break up to the point they wouldn’t cope they definitely are not the partner for you. Or anyone until they fix that.

Could it just be that C isn't the one for you? There is likely to be a D out there who isn't horrible like A and B, and you feel more attraction towards. There's no obligation to stay with the first person who treats you well if you aren't feeling it, and nothing wrong with you for not feeling the connection in the way you want to.

It's your life, not your families or your partners and you have to do what is best for YOU or you will never feel happy. His mental health is his own to manage. Do what you want to do x

If he’s let you know (however subtly) that he needs you because of poor mental health, that’s another red flag.

This jumped at me: "He never puts me in my place when I'm in the wrong".
... What IS exactly your place do you think?
I think that is the point you need to work on. Once you've identified what that 'place' is and that it was planted in your head by your childhood abuser, you will stop feeling that that's what you deserve.
I'm not a therapist so I'm not sure if I'm making any sense but essentially, there is no such thing as 'being put back' in your 'place'. You did not deserve your abuse. That's what you need to process and internalise. You are not a child or vulnerable teenager but part of you seems to be stuck there.

By the way I mean all the above with kindness. My post sounded way harsher than i meant it to.

I'd love to know what 3 rounds of therapy constitutes?
I've had 3 decades and 3 years of therapy and I'm finally beginning to crack my complex PTSD.
Might be worth googling Repetition Compulsion as it sounds like you won't be happy until you're back experiencing the same toxic drama you experienced as a child.

Your mind is chasing the pain because it's what it associates love with. You've not experienced 'normal' before so it feels boring.
What types of therapy have you done? There are lots of different types but there are specifically more tailored ones available for childhood trauma and even specific ones for relationship traumas (not romantic just relationships). CBT often isn't enough for these kinds of traumas.

You get a high by feeling out of control and you’ve been groomed to go with the highs of the fight and you have Stockholm syndrome. It’s the bodies reaction of the fear and danger of that situation. I don’t know if you can get rid of that. It’s the bodies natural endorphin high. You’re not getting that with a calm person and your life probably feels boring. I think you should probably be by yourself for awhile and work out not to crave that anymore. I have no clue how to fix it and I could be totally wrong but it happened to me and I know the feeling. I’m 3 years out of it now.

You don’t have to stay with him just because he is the first man you’ve met who isn’t abusive. That’s not a good enough basis for a relationship. Just because he’s not for you doesn’t mean you’re still trapped in old behaviours. I’m not
sure why you’ve come to that conclusion?

OP, there are a lot of great people out there who just aren't necessarily ones we'll fall in love with. People can be kind, caring, emotionally available, funny, smart... and still just not someone we see ourselves romantically involved with, for no apparent reason. It doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with you, just that you've fallen out of love.

You don't have to stay with him if you don't want to. Staying with someone because they're the first partner to be a good person/non abusive is not a good reason of you don't feel like you love them or want to continue the relationship. I think you really do need to find a way to trust your own instincts - which in this case are telling you that you're with this man for all the wrong reasons, even though he IS a good person.

If you force yourself to stay with him, you'll both end up suffering. You say you're afraid his mental health would suffer if you were to discontinue the relationship. That's another red flag.

Could be because he is not assertive which can be a turn off
Or because you want to repeat the relationship dynamics from your past and resolve them?
Or maybe that you find him boring because you are used to drama in relationships.
Maybe it doesn't feel right because that's not what you're used to
Does any of that resonate?

Literally all of this rings true.

I fear that you've hit the nail on the head. My perspective of the ratio of abusers out there is probably skewed just to my past experiences, and maybe I got excited that I'd found someone who wasn't abusive. I feel so sad this evening. 😔 now I'm going to have to break the heart of the nicest person I've met..

Anxiety and excitement can feel very similar in our bodies. Did your abusive ex partners keep you on edge, anxious? Are you mistaking that anxiety for excitement, craving it?

I've no idea whether your current partner is the one for you or not, but I wonder whether you are missing that anxiety/ excitement that you may have got used to.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?"

Its not whats wrong with you, its whats happened to you

Abusive relationships can be addictive and life can feel very empty when they're over as they're so consuming.

Abusive relationships also make a track in your mind. Abuse runs like a train over that track and feels familiar. If you're not being abused, it feels wrong and unpredictable because it's off your track.

Non abusive relationships mean you are vulnerable in a different way. It can make you feel uncomfortable.

It's common for abuse survivors to feel bored in healthy relationships. You might find the Freedom Programme helpful.

I have a not dissimilar history to you. I also had a ‘Partner B’ after a lot of therapy and the freedom programme. He seemed so kind, attentive and respectful. In a way he was the worst of the lot because he physically assaulted me and stalked me for a long time.

About a year after that I dated someone who I was really attracted to and who seemed a very decent person, but I just wasn’t feeling it. He wasn’t the one for me and it doesn’t sound like this man is the one for you. I don’t think it necessarily means you’re only attracted to toxicity and ‘bad boys’ or anything deep. Traumatised people are still allowed to pick and choose, we don’t have to settle for the first nice person who comes our way.

what is the longest period you’ve spent single in this timeline? It think it took me about two years of being single (as in, intentionally single - no dating at all) to truly gain perspective on things.

Honestly... I think you need a lot more time on your own and develop some platonic relationships with men so you can learn to trust them and trust yourself when you are around them.

It takes time for lessons learned to actually take root in your behaviour. You also need to enjoy your life without partners and the pressure of having children that makes you think you only have a small range of choices.

i agree with this. You also think your adhd, your adhd brain is looking for this, it’s a completely normal trait of adhd along with impulsivity.

I care about you, but I don’t feel as emotionally settled as I should, and I need to be honest about that.I’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD through a "Adhd Cetify assessment", and it’s helped me realise a lot of my reactions and relationship patterns come from things I still need to work through. This isn’t about you, and I don’t want to be unfair while I figure that out.