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AIBU?

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Struggling to support friend without getting upset/bad mental health

3 replies

TheHeartyTiger · 23/02/2025 16:15

I’m struggling to know what to keep saying to my friend who has been with her partner of 3 years (now engaged) and seeing her unhappy but constantly going back to him is getting me down.

He seemed fine at first, but started acting a bit off 6 months into their relationship. For example turning up at restaurants we planned to meet at just the 2 of us, he only would pop in for 5 mins but I thought it was odd. Checking her phone etc. They had a baby together who is now coming up to 2.

She has been unhappy and he can be controlling and mentally abusive, she does everything at home and he does absolutely nothing. He wants another child with her but she said she can’t cope with it. He already has 2 older children with another woman.

For the 15th time she’s told me she’s going to leave, he’s booked them a weekend away, she told me she’s won’t go to it and she’s standing her ground.

low and behold on fb today posted photos of them 2 together. I text her to make sure she’s okay and she’s acting like I’m the one in the wrong for checking in. She acts like everything is fine every time she goes back to him. Tells me how much he does for her and tells the world she’s in love with him.

I want to support her, I know it’s not easy leaving, but it’s mentally draining on me. I know she will call me in a couple of days once they come home telling me they’ve argued and he’s called her fat, lazy etc.

What would you do? Ditching her isn’t an option, but I know I need to tell her how I feel.

OP posts:
IUnderstandTheWeird · 23/02/2025 16:31

It’s okay to say that you value her as a friend but can no longer continue offering support, when she is not prepared to make any changes, because it is impacting on your own MH.
Chances are she will fall out with you, all you can do is say that you are there for her if she needs help once he’s gone I suppose.

TheHeartyTiger · 23/02/2025 16:39

IUnderstandTheWeird · 23/02/2025 16:31

It’s okay to say that you value her as a friend but can no longer continue offering support, when she is not prepared to make any changes, because it is impacting on your own MH.
Chances are she will fall out with you, all you can do is say that you are there for her if she needs help once he’s gone I suppose.

It just frustrates me because she will call me telling me all these bad things and that she’s leaving then will stay with him, if I question if she’s ok or making the right choice she gets defensive and makes out I’m the crazy one for worrying

OP posts:
FairKoala · 07/07/2025 11:51

So he brings her to the point where she wants to leave then does something nice to reel her back in like a fish on a line

He is playing with her

Of course he is nice every so often it is just another form of controlling her.

Expect another pregnancy soon.

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