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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to do go the funeral at all?

23 replies

ashamedtramp · 23/02/2025 15:56

i'm in a damned if i do, damned if i don't situation. Sister passed away recently, of whom I have been no contact with for many years. I've been made aware of her health issues over the years, but because of family trauma involving abuse and stuff, we are not really a very close family.

ALL the family will be there, including the siblings who abused me! I have chosen not to involve the police in what happened all those years ago, and i have made my peace with it.

I will have to stand with extended family who have been brain washed by other siblings that i am the 'wrong un'.

I know i sound cold when i say i shed no tears for my sister, but i didn't, it didn't bother me in the slightest apart from its brought memories of the past flooding back!

It is deemed that it is my duty to attend as she was my sister after all and half of me wants to go, stand, head held high and get it over with, and then the other half thinks why bother? I'll be talked about if i go, i will be talked about if i don't!

i really don't know whats for the best?

AIBU in not attending

OP posts:
IUnderstandTheWeird · 23/02/2025 15:58

In this instance, stuff ‘duty’.
For self preservation I’d be disinclined to go.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 23/02/2025 16:06

It is my grans funeral tomorrow, i will not be attending after a fall out 8 years ago after which i went no contact as she took my aunts side and really laid into me over voicemail. I was put into a whatsapp group with my cousins a few weeks back and theyve all been sharing good memories, sorting out eulogy speeches etc, and i expect i'll get backlash in there from not going. I don't know how much if anything they know about the fall out as i've been the family black sheep for bad MH illness since i was a child so always left out anyway, and was basically abandoned by them all after my mum died 15 years ago. As it stands i'm barely able to leave the house so couldn't attend even if i wanted to, and i won't be affraid to tell them that if i get shit for not being there.

Do what feels right for YOU, if you wont miss your sister why go through the stress of the day when it won't be of any emotional comfort to you to be there? Her grave isn't going anywhere if you want to say goodbye privately at a later time.

ThisLuckyBird · 23/02/2025 16:10

Look after yourself, and your state of mind. I would not put myself through that at all when this will bevso traumatic. I was in a similar situation with a brothrr whom i never spoke to from when he was 20. Our family didnt speak either. I took my Mam to the funeral as she had no way of getting there. I did this as a daughter only. I never shed one tear and never had, for me that has been the correct descision. I have learnt to look after my own mental welfare first, and hope you make the correct descision for you. X

LucyLou0527 · 23/02/2025 16:15

If you weren’t in each others lives for so many years then don’t go! Just because she has the title “sister” does not mean you owe her or any of the others anything.

RockyRogue1001 · 23/02/2025 16:32

Is a possible compromise to get to the venue as the funeral is about to start.
Stand at the back or to the side and leave immediately afterwards?
I'm sorry for what you've been through.
And for your loss.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 23/02/2025 16:40

Who deemed it your duty to go? You're an adult, no one is in charge of you. It's up to you to decide whether to go or not. It sounds like it wouldn't be a pleasant environment for you. You really have to look after yourself and put yourself first OP. You don't want to see these people any other time so it shouldn't really make a difference that it's a funeral.

2025willbemytime · 23/02/2025 16:41

Funerals are for the ones left behind. For you, don't go.

ginasevern · 23/02/2025 16:43

Personally I wouldn't go. I think it will be damaging for you and you will regret it.

XWKD · 23/02/2025 16:47

You say that one part of you wants to go with your head held high. Could you just make an appearance at the service and then leave? It might be good for you -only you know that.

Of course if you really feel like staying away it is entirely up to you. Nobody else gets a say.

caringcarer · 23/02/2025 17:02

If you won't be mourning your sister's death then don't go.

ARichtGoodDram · 23/02/2025 17:05

If you don't want to go then don't.

I didn't go to my father's funeral. Hadn't seen him since I was 15. Wasn't interested.

After the grief I got I had strategic Covid with d&v for the next funeral I wanted to go to. Just to save the grief coming my way again

HellsBalls · 23/02/2025 17:25

100% don’t go. Your siblings know why you won’t be there.
Don’t put yourself through what will only be an ordeal. Some fucker will say something to compound an already difficult situation for you.

Randomer75 · 23/02/2025 17:29

AlmostAJillSandwich · 23/02/2025 16:06

It is my grans funeral tomorrow, i will not be attending after a fall out 8 years ago after which i went no contact as she took my aunts side and really laid into me over voicemail. I was put into a whatsapp group with my cousins a few weeks back and theyve all been sharing good memories, sorting out eulogy speeches etc, and i expect i'll get backlash in there from not going. I don't know how much if anything they know about the fall out as i've been the family black sheep for bad MH illness since i was a child so always left out anyway, and was basically abandoned by them all after my mum died 15 years ago. As it stands i'm barely able to leave the house so couldn't attend even if i wanted to, and i won't be affraid to tell them that if i get shit for not being there.

Do what feels right for YOU, if you wont miss your sister why go through the stress of the day when it won't be of any emotional comfort to you to be there? Her grave isn't going anywhere if you want to say goodbye privately at a later time.

Maybe you could text one of your cousins, and say that you are currently experiencing ill-health and cannot go. Just as an alternative to saying nothing.

AcquadiP · 23/02/2025 17:29

Personally, I wouldn't go. I wouldn't want to be in the same space as people who'd been so toxic to me in the past.

SunshineAndFizz · 23/02/2025 17:32

No I wouldn't go.

Original poster
ashamedtramp · 10/03/2025 11:40

well, today is the day, and i am going! it's time to put this whole sorry mess to bed, to walk away and leave it all behind me.

i will stand at the back, hand in hand with my DH. my outfit is on point, hair perfect and make up looking good

OP posts:
Cardiganwearer · 10/03/2025 15:23

Hope it goes as well as it can OP. You are very strong. Let us know how you get on afterwards, if you would like to.

Original poster
ashamedtramp · 10/03/2025 18:56

Cardiganwearer · 10/03/2025 15:23

Hope it goes as well as it can OP. You are very strong. Let us know how you get on afterwards, if you would like to.

all done and dusted.. lots of familiar faces, the saddest bit was the fact that all those aunts and uncles had absolutely no idea who i was! one sibling spoke to me, the others were weeping and wailing and making a right fuss, all i assume to draw attention to themselves. i sat at the back, i exchanged pleasantries with those who spoke to me and ignored those who didn't.

the onslaught started as soon as i got home, messages flying all over the place, how dare i ignore them, who did i think i was dressed like the queen of sheba! did i think i was better than everyone else, apparently i was putting on air's and graces.. i was trying to one up them all etc etc.. ho hum.

i am pleased i went, there were a few old faces there I've known many years and was nice to catch up.

its done now.. and thank you

OP posts:
Earlyattheairport · 10/03/2025 19:00

Well done! I am in awe of strength like you have demonstrated. Best wishes.

Lavender14 · 10/03/2025 19:05

What a strong person you are op. You've carried yourself with dignity and hopefully further confirmed for yourself that these people hold no power over you.

Over the next while be gentle with yourself while you process this all, it can be a lot after such a long time of nc and even though you've done great it may leave you feeling off for a time. That's completely normal if it happens.

Porcuporpoise · 10/03/2025 19:07

Of course you don't go to the funeral of someone you were nc with and whose death you don't care about. It would be extremely inappropriate.

xyz111 · 10/03/2025 19:07

You need to block them.

Cardiganwearer · 10/03/2025 19:44

What silly people they must be! (You know, as well as abusive!) Trying to throw any old nonsense at you to try and get a reaction. Ignore every message, that will make them apoplectic! Well done. I hope you can have a rest tomorrow. It’s all bound to have an impact. Take care.

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