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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should he come to the funeral?

40 replies

xyz111 · 23/02/2025 15:33

My nans funeral is this week. She has been in a care home since just before Covid with severe dementia so DH hasn't seen her for a long time. He has found out there is a work union meeting on the same day, which he is very much a part of for his area. He has said that he won't go to the meeting, but I can tell he's really pissed off about it. Part of me feels like saying to him don't bloody come them, but in typical MN fashion, I'd be pissed off if he doesn't come. Did your DP/DH attend your grandparents funerals?

OP posts:
ShamrockShenanigans · 23/02/2025 15:35

Did your DP/DH attend your grandparents funerals?

I don't really see how the above question is relevant because everyone's situation is different.

Are you likely to be very upset and need him for support?

If the answer is yes then he should go. If not, I wouldn't be particularly bothered considering he hasn't seen her in over 5 years anyway.

SandalsandPools · 23/02/2025 15:36

I would expect him to attend the funeral.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 23/02/2025 15:38

Of course he should go. I can't understand how there is even a question of him not going. It would be really disrespectful towards your parent whose mother she was and the rest of your family not to go

Onlycoffee · 23/02/2025 15:39

It depends.
I would expect him to support me, so if I thought I'd need him for that support, yes I would want him to be there.

My DH is not close to my family so if I would be fine for the funeral and the duration of his meeting, then I would be ok with that as well.

The thing is, you want him there so he needs to get over himself and be there for you.

IUnderstandTheWeird · 23/02/2025 15:41

Your DH might be looking at it from the point of view of him not being upset/feeling the need to go because she wasn’t his Nan/didn’t really see her.

All I can say is my DH would be (&was) with me at one DGM funeral as he wanted to support me in my loss, I was close to her and devastated. He only missed my other DGM funeral as he was in hospital (thankfully recovering!) from pneumonia.

Does your DH realise you need his support?

5128gap · 23/02/2025 15:42

If you want him there and he can be, he should be, with good grace. He won't be there for your nan, he'll be there for you, and its not a big ask of a husband.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 23/02/2025 15:42

Nobody is obligated to go to anybodies funeral. Wondering if you might be one of my cousins actually as very similar details as to my gran whose funeral is tomorrow.

I will not be going to her funeral as i didn't have a good relationship with her, and i won't be feeling guilty if any of my family who are there have an issue with that, because she treated me very differently to my cousins etc.

bakebeans · 23/02/2025 15:44

I think it depends on your circumstances and relationship to your grandparent not to mention if you want him there as support. i think if the latter, then shouldn’t be negotiable x

Original poster
xyz111 · 23/02/2025 15:44

AlmostAJillSandwich · 23/02/2025 15:42

Nobody is obligated to go to anybodies funeral. Wondering if you might be one of my cousins actually as very similar details as to my gran whose funeral is tomorrow.

I will not be going to her funeral as i didn't have a good relationship with her, and i won't be feeling guilty if any of my family who are there have an issue with that, because she treated me very differently to my cousins etc.

Edited

Funeral isn't tomorrow. But sorry for your loss also.

OP posts:
DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 23/02/2025 15:44

That is your Nan who has passed & regardless of however long it’s been since he saw her he should be going for you.

You need the support & that is all that matters.

So pls don’t start saying to him ridiculous things like you don’t need to go as you will feel angry & resentful afterwards & that is just stupid after having told him not to go.

He is your husband and it goes without saying he should be there by your side.

Original poster
xyz111 · 23/02/2025 15:46

I'm a very independent person so I don't need him for support as such. I think I'm just annoyed he would see work as more important than being there for my family. I know no one likes them, but he absolutely detests funerals so much, so that's probably making him feel like he doesn't want to go.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 23/02/2025 15:49

If you need him there for support, that's more important than a union meeting.

I'm sorry for your loss.

ashamedtramp · 23/02/2025 15:49

i think its one of those situations where you want him to go with you, therefore he should go. its tough if he doesn't get on with your side of the family, he's not going for them he's going for you!

Spirallingdownwards · 23/02/2025 15:52

xyz111 · 23/02/2025 15:46

I'm a very independent person so I don't need him for support as such. I think I'm just annoyed he would see work as more important than being there for my family. I know no one likes them, but he absolutely detests funerals so much, so that's probably making him feel like he doesn't want to go.

If I didn't need the support I couldn't get worked up about him not coming when he has something specific important to him on. Its not the same as if it was a normal work day. If you felt you needed support and that needed to be from him rather than other family members who I assume will also attended I would tell him that is the case

Original poster
xyz111 · 23/02/2025 15:56

ashamedtramp · 23/02/2025 15:49

i think its one of those situations where you want him to go with you, therefore he should go. its tough if he doesn't get on with your side of the family, he's not going for them he's going for you!

He does get on with them. Just didn't see nan as I used to go during the week when he was at work to visit her.

OP posts:
ashamedtramp · 23/02/2025 15:57

xyz111 · 23/02/2025 15:56

He does get on with them. Just didn't see nan as I used to go during the week when he was at work to visit her.

Show quote history

my reply remains the same... he should go to support you

ShamrockShenanigans · 23/02/2025 15:57

xyz111 · 23/02/2025 15:46

I'm a very independent person so I don't need him for support as such. I think I'm just annoyed he would see work as more important than being there for my family. I know no one likes them, but he absolutely detests funerals so much, so that's probably making him feel like he doesn't want to go.

He absolutely detests funerals, you don't need him there and he wasn't close to your nan.

I really don't think I'd expect him to go if it was me.

ExercicenformedeZ · 23/02/2025 16:01

I'm in the minority, but I don't really see why he should go. It is your grandparent who has died, not your parent, and it doesn't seem as if they were close. If this union meeting is important, then he should go to that: it's not as if he wanted to skip the funeral to go to a football match. I don't think he should be angry and pass agg with you about it, but I also don't see why you need him to be there. I'm sorry for your loss, but you might find it easier just being there on your own and talking with people who actually knew her very well.

mnahmnah · 23/02/2025 16:04

We had my grandma’s funeral in December. DH stayed home with the kids, they had school. Didn’t bother me and it didn’t occur to anyone else that he should be there either.

TubeScreamer · 23/02/2025 16:09

I think I’d find it stressful rather than helpful to have him at the funeral.

Trunksarebetter · 23/02/2025 16:09

My partner came to my grandfather’s funeral, but couldn’t come to my grandmother’s due to work commitments. I’d have liked him there for support, but ultimately it’s not like I was going to be alone or isolated - my entire family were there.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 23/02/2025 16:12

He should put you before his union meeting.

ExercicenformedeZ · 23/02/2025 16:13

I did go to the funerals of both my husband's grandparents, but I was very close to them and grieved for them as almost if they were my own (I don't mean I made their deaths about me, but it was a support to the family knowing that I had loved them) It doesn't sound as if that was the case with OP's husband and her grandmother.

mynameiscalypso · 23/02/2025 16:14

My grandfather is likely to die relatively soon. I wouldn't expect DH to come to the funeral. I didn't attend his grandmother's as far as I can remember as I stayed home with DS instead.

Hiyawotcha · 23/02/2025 16:17

DH didn’t come to either of my grandmother’s funerals. In our case it was largely down to childcare (young children) but at least in part because it wasn’t as if I didn’t have my blood family for support, and really my role as I saw it was to support my mum/dad.
he did come to my father’s funeral and I went to his parent’s funeral. He had an adult relationship with my father as did I with his parents.