Returning to long term partner after 6 months on my own..

[Stockgirl]

I have a dilemma and it's making me really anxious and I feel like im losing my mind tbh..
I left a 25 year relationship 6 months ago because of alot of reasons one being that I loved my partner but wasn't in love with him so didn't want a sexual relationship with him anymore.
We had no contact for about 4 months but after Christmas we've been going out for coffee and meals etc...which has been nice tbh but now he's wanting me to think about moving back in with him because I'm renting and he doesn't want me spending all my wages on rent every month , his family are also messaging saying that I'm welcome there anytime which is lovely but I'm feeling so much pressure and I don't know how to go forward.
I'm just after any advice really from anyone who's gone through something similar.

Remember why you left and ask yourself if that's changed? If it hasn't then perhaps he's just familiar and comfy like an old coat?

if you decide not to go back I think you really need to rip the plaster off and cut contact.

What's changed? Is he happy to live as friends?

Forget about what he and his family want to happen.
Would you be happy being with him again? You had reasons for leaving 6 months ago, have those changed?

If you have split up then how you spend your wages is up to you. If you are happier apart and renting then continue to do so.

I do think that 4 months isn't really much of a gap after such a long relationship to really evaluate how it's going and be able to meet as friends. You've basically started dating him in all but name.

Also, have you seen how he is managing whilst living alone? If you've not been back then the place could be an absolute riot and really he's just missing that.

You said that you left for a lot of reasons. But i think there was one main reason that prompted your departure.
For that one thing ,can you deal with it or is it past the point now?
Disregard the opinions of friends and family. Something made you leave. If its still there you shouldnt return.

He's not bothered about having a sexual relationship he just wants someone to go to bed with and cuddle now and again..that's his words.
I'd be financially alot better off living with him and I know he just wants me to be happy.
It's just making that leap , I'm not 100% sure its the right thing to do and it's making me really anxious..

Don't do it. It'll feel like a prison - which is why it's making you anxious, they're trying to coax you back into your cage.

because … he doesn't want me doing something you’ve decided to do as an independent adult?

There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t continue as friends if that’s what you want.

But the fact that you’re feeling pressurised into changing your living arrangements - to suit his and his family’s feelings - is a very strong reason to continue with the status quo.

@vanfan The main reason was I didn't want a sexual relationship with him and I felt he deserved to still have that with someone.
We're great has friends and we have a laugh etc and we're both very family orientated so spend time with our kids and grandchildren together.

he just wants someone to go to bed with and cuddle now and again

And what happens if / when you want to start a relationship with someone else?

For heaven’s sake - you’re not an inanimate pillow!

And you’re not a pet, to be kept.

It does seem that the last 25 years have eroded your backbone. Life will seem so much more full of possibility once you re-grow it.

If you get on well and there are no sexual strings, why not? It's much like moving in with a long term friend because it makes sense financially and maybe for the company. If you decide it was a mistake you can always leave again, you still have the choice whether to stay or for how long. Maybe set up some house rules in advance so you both know what the arrangement is.

Could you go back as a proper house share. Absolutely not sharing a room, you both get basic hugs and normal day to day affection but separate rooms would make it clear that it's house mate situation and nothing more?

Do you want a non-sexual arrangement with him? Again, it doesn't really matter what he wants. What do you want for yourself and the next however many years of your life?

You've done the hard part, moving out, telling everyone, setting yourself up in your own space.

Suggest you take a week/fortnight without contact from the people trying to influence/pressurise you. Have some heart to hearts with true friends, remind yourself of your original reasons for ending this relationship. Make lists of pros and cons.

Take your time with trusted support and make Your Decision.
Good luck

I think if you are both on the same page from a sex perspective, you are genuinely best friends and have a fab time together then consider the request, however take your time there is no rush. This is about what you want not what he wants!

I read your reply as meaning you left because you thought he deserved to be in a relationship which included sex - but he is saying that isn’t important to him. If you do agree to move back in set the rules from the beginning and be clear that this is about close friendship.

My MiL and FiL lived as best mates for a long time - separate bedrooms but shared house, nether interested in going anywhere else. They laughed loads, holidayed together, met friends, went out lots, had separate interests FiL walked/ hiked with mates, MiL did paintings lessons and went on weekend breaks with friends - it worked for them.

You made a huge decision to leave a 25-year marriage and carried out that huge decision for a reason. What's changed? Also, what is the reason? Because what you've said so far doesn't make a lot of sense, to be honest.

You said the main reason you left was that you felt he deserved to be able to have a sexual relationship with someone and you didn't want that with him anymore.

But who would leave a 25 year marriage so their partner can go find a sexual relationship, especially when he doesn't seem to really even want one?

My best guess is "No one."

Older, long-married couples quite often aren't on fire between the sheets, you know. Sex hormone levels drop and other aspects of the relationship usually become more important.

Then you say he only wants you to be happy and that he wants you to move back in so you don't spend your money on rent.

So, he too only thinks about you, not about what he wants?

Really? So you're just a pair of CareBears then.

If it's you or you two's typical habit to be so surface and stick with the story you'd tell distant acquaintances with each other rather than getting real, I can see why this marriage finally broke.

If you want real help with your situation, you will have to explain the actual situation, not gloss it all over.

In any case, this sounds longstanding and complex. Therefore, I'd advise seeing a therapist to sort it all out before you go right back to what you put in so much effort to leave, with no further insight. Good luck with it.

He's making you feel pressured and that is reason enough to say no. I'm guessing if you move back in he will view you as in a relationship? So no sex for either of you forever? Or would he expect that as you've decided to 'get back with him' that you'll eventually start having sex again?

I’m speaking from experience:
Do not do it.
Your gut is your 2nd brain. Listen to your gut.

Were any affairs involved in this thus-far puzzling mess, by any chance?

it's making me really anxious and I feel like im losing my mind tbh..

You have answered your own question. At the very least give yourself a full year apart. Use that time to find what YOU really want. Not him, not family, not friends. Just you.

We weren't married hence why I'm renting and he's living in a mortgage free house now because he never put me on the mortgage.
I had a total hysterectomy a couple of years ago and tbh it changed me has a person...I never went on hrt because of cancer risks so it's been a really rough few years tbh...
I don't want a sexual relationship with anybody and he knows this...my sisters are advising me to carry on dating him and see how it goes.