To think being ‘overprotected’ doesn’t mean having sanitary towels bought for you?

[GiveUs]

I had severe depression as a younger adult and was under the psychiatrists.

My mum thought the cause of this was the fact she’d ’overprotected’ me as a child.
Back then, I didn’t know the proper meaning of ‘overprotective’ then because in my early 20s - it just wasn’t a word I was particularly used to.

To illustrate that she’d been ‘overprotective’ - she used the definition of having bought my sanitary towels!!

Am I to think it’s a daft and inaccurate definition of ‘overprotective’?

Yep, I was thinking that. It’s a bit ‘oh I loved you tooooo much, aren’t I an awful mother’ (designed to elicit a ‘oh no, doing these basic things made you wonderful’)

Apologies for the glib Disney reference but it made me think of Mother Gothel in Tangled.

Your Mum flatters herself. She didn't over-protect you, she exposed you to her alcoholism and aggression and if anything, she didn't protect you enough. My MiL was the overprotective type, because not only did she clear the bar where it was reasonable (protecting children from adult behaviour at its worst) she overdid it and tried to hold her boys back from taking risks so that she wouldn't worry about them. She was a genuine whirly-bird and she could be exhausting - but she was very protective.

Yours? She included period products in the weekly shop. Or did she? So did mine till I had an income from babysitting and could buy my own. Money was very tight and I was happy to pootle off to Boots (you couldn't buy PP in supermarkets till the late 80s/early 90s) and get what I needed with my own money. Letting me get on with it was a measure of our household budget and said nothing about how protective my parents were.

My mother went into denial whenever I pointed out to her how she’d cold-shouldered me when I needed a smidge of support, and I mean smidge. She’d undermine any attempt I made to get out of my bad relationship because - I think - it made HER crappy relationship with a really piss poor twat of a man look better. She’s still with him. He’s still a twat, everyone sees it and even he knows they all think he’s a twat, but is too much of a twat to be able to fool anyone

at least everyone sees how the BS of my leaving them and going NC isn’t MY fault.

you will be able to get through this, it’s not you. It’s her.

That’s a basic need, like toilet roll or toothpaste. On the contrary, I got my period at 10 and my mum never once bought me any. I was just sort of expected to magically make them appear (I had no pocket money and it was incredibly difficult and embarrassing until I started earning at 14). She was super uncomfortable with any stuff like that and just stuffed her head in the sand…like she did about a lot of aspects of my childhood. 🙄

OP she sounds horrendous and it seems like you're early on in figuring it all out.

My advice is start a thread in Relationships about how cruelly you were treated as a child, otherwise you're going to get a bunch of replies going on about tampons and pads.

Does she mean that she didn't encourage you to go out and buy them for yourself eg perhaps she didn't actively encourage you to feel confident enough to choose, go to the till and pay for them? Rather than just buy them for you?

It's only I remember how painful it was for me, and I was a pretty confident, extroverted teenager.

Your mum using that as an example is a ‘red flag’ about her parenting, which you say was less than ideal. Would disregard what she has to say about these matters and avoid engaging with her about it as she’s an ‘unreliable narrator’ and it’s unlikely to help you.

Yes my mum is like this with my older sibling. He's way bigger/stronger than me and in his mid-late 30s, but she suffered with severe PND with him as a baby - which is why I think she's like that

I'm sorry to hear that. My aunt was like that over all her children. I believe she suffered from anxiety and it was her way of coping. She treated them like toddlers.

Perhaps she hasn't used the word she was trying to use. Perhaps she meant coddled, or spoiled? I'm not saying it's true. I bought sanitary products for my daughters when they still lived here but maybe she just picked the wrong word. Best wishes.

I do this too and shower gel and deodorant for my son too. Still do it and they are in their 20s

Yes, it's bizarre because me and my other siblings don't get the same OTT treatment. But it's all wrapped up in my mum's anxiety, nothing real because my brother is more than capable of looking after himself.

As a result of all this, my older brother doesn't like my mum much and has the least to do with her as an adult out of all of us.

No the issue you is the OP has an alcoholic mother who is trying to rewrite history about the OP's childhood.

My own mother, who wasn't an alcoholic but sometimes just nasty, tried to rewrite history before she died.

Unfortunately for them as both my parents allowed relatives to stay with us, there were outsiders who saw some of my mother's behaviour to myself and my siblings.

In fact at one point one of my cousins rang his own parents in the states due to what he witnessed. I only know because one of my elder brothers who didn't live with us got contacted, as well as a couple of aunts, to get them to intervene. They all did.

No OP that is not the cause of depression.
I would suggest that living with a drunk and aggressive mother in your formative years will have given you deep rooted trauma.

Take care of yourself and if you feel like doing so consider a therapist to work through how you tell your mum this. If not I hope you have built boundaries and good coping mechanisms

I think my mum would still get mine when I visit and I am a middle-age mother 😂

I don't know, it's just part of the shop, it's not a big deal. Having whoever does a shop bringing essential is just normal? DH would do it, but he needs directions because he'd buy one of each when he's not sure which box is better!

I'm glad to hear he's broken away.

‘Over protective’ to me means not letting a child or young person have age and stage (developmental ) appropriate experiences

every child is different and there are no hard and fast rules as to when children can reasonably be expected to do things but these are examples I feel of being ‘overprotective’ with children without any special needs / medical conditions

insisting on holding the hand of a 14year old on the street

not letting a senior school age child go on a local bus alone.

not letting a 5 year old use round ended scissors supervised

not letting a child go on a day trip a school (they are risk assessed so highly) to a museum

cutting up a 10 year olds food for them

etc etc etc

parents who overprotect - and helicopter - - totally smother their child and deny them the chance to make decisions / take healthy risks needed to learn how to be independent.

They are stifling and say it’s because they love their child so much - but it is not at all healthy and causes huge resentment!

Sanitary towels have nothing to do with being over protective! That said I do think it's bizarre to buy your daughters sanitary stuff unless she still in primary school. Yup it's a basic need so you give them money and off they go to choose their own style and experiment.

She sounds like people who are asked in job interviews what their weaknesses are and say they're just a bit too much of a perfectionist.

"Maybe I was just a bit TOO attentive as a parent" sounds a hell of a lot better than "Yeah, I was a drunk".

why is it so bizarre? I buy the shampoo and toothpaste, I might as well order the sanitary stuff at the same time.

If they want something else, they go and get it, but basic supplies are in the house, like loo rolls.

Also I am not having a 14 year old telling me at 10pm that she needs tampax because she ran out and forgot 😂. I can barely trust the kids to notice we have run out of milk!

I mean, it depends who she's comparing herself to , doesn't it?

A normal, decent, reasonable , loving and caring family? Obviously not.

Any type of chaotic/toxic set up where most basic needs weren't met? Maybe.

She wasn't THAT bad , you see? But then again, when you compare yourself to worms, you'll always be taller.

Agree with this. Second post, sorry OP but this thread has been on my mind. On reflection it’s a classic straw man argument (as you can see how this thread’s progressed!). If she focuses it on her overprotection, example of which in her mind is the san pro stuff - then you wind up debating ‘was that overprotective? Was it wrong or ok?’ rather than thinking about the real issues. Look how you, and a lot of PPs, are focusing on that rather than the real problem. She’s controlling the narrative.

Thank you - you’re right

I think she's trying to get you to conflate "overprotected" with basically being taken care of as a child. So that she can make it sound like she's a martyr.
"Oh I just did too much for you and that's why you struggle with your mental health! If I'd been more tough love you'd have been more resilient"
Don't fall for this crap honestly. She sounds like a narcissistic addict. She will do mental gymnastics to paint a picture where she has no substance abuse problems, so she doesn't have to face up to anything and can keep on with the behaviour. You won't get through to her with reason.
My mum has a shopping and hoarding addiction and is the same. Any time she's harmed someone because of her addiction she will talk the most insane shite to explain how it was someone else's fault or didn't happen or whatever batshit tale. Anything rather than take responsibility and own up to the addiction.

Thank you - I totally agree with everything you’ve said here.

i must admit though - just before I had my nervous breakdown - she had improved very slightly on one occasion and in relation to one issue - but could be too little too late