Feeling behind people- mid 30s and not married/no children

[Lunedeciel]

I'm 34 recently, and I do have a boyfriend of 7 months who is absolutely wonderful. We're now past that dating stage but still early days and feels like it's too early to discuss the future. He's the same age and no kids etc.
So it's sort of that funny time where you're together and serious but still seeing how it goes, feel like it's too soon to discuss living together.
I know marriage and kids isn't the be all and end all but I just feel like I'm getting older sometimes, well I am, and the group of schoolfriends I had don't seem to bother much with me now, they probably think I won't 'get it'.
I'm fortunate to own a flat, however it's an incredibly small one bed and might even be a squeeze for a couple tbh. Any advice or thoughts?
Prior to this i was with someone for 4.5 years, lived together for 3, he was 2 years younger than me but just wasted my time, even after 4 years he was very much 'ooh I'm just not sure/not ready' and then finally admitted he wasn't fully committed to me.

Would you say about a year is a good time to approach the topic?
Sometimes I get a bit disheartened when I read these 'oh we moved in after 3 days and got married after 6 weeks because it was just right' type things because I feel like nobody ever feels that way about me.

I'd say at your age if you want to have kids, if he's not willing to have those kind of conversations after about a year, move on.

Thank you. He's said he does want to get married/have kids (in general, not necessarily to me) but I think the previous relationship left me a bit burned and knocked my confidence.

There is no specific timeline I think. You can always have conversations about exclusivity, future plans for work, children. That doesn't mean it has to happen immediately but you both will know where each of you stand on the matter. You can't be afraid or feel awkward in approaching the matter.

Yeah that's true, I mean at what point do you think someone should know if they want to move in with you, get married to you and so on. I don't want it to be like with my ex where he just expected it to drift forever because he wasn't totally sure about me.

Yeah, I can't see the harm in mentioning it now. Why wait another 4-5 months?!

At 34, you are running out of time. I know many posters on MN will run onto here soon and tell you that they and every other woman they know were still having babies at 46-48, and almost everyone in their 'social circle' had their first at 41-43....

But the reality is that once women reach 35, the chances of conceiving are quite a bit lower than they were at 30-31 (and younger.) I can't find the stats right now, but I think it's 5 times lower or so... And the chance of conceiving drops dramatically when you get past 37-38 ish..... I know some posters will come on here and deny this, but these are biological facts.

From the British Fertility Society.

At what age does fertility begin to decrease? » British Fertility Society

I think if the conversation hasn't naturally occurred before a year, I'd bring it up around that point.

I wouldn't worry about the "3 day" types, it really isn't very common, I suspect there is likely something else going on around convenience rather than it being about a strong bond or love, I doubt it builds a strong foundation in most cases.

I would just concentrate on having fun this year, you're still young and have time to think about marriage and babies without panicking, you're on the property ladder, you've got a fella, now is the fun part getting to know him and having some no frills fun. Give it a year, then have the conversation, but hopefully it may well come up more naturally before then.

The vast majority of my friends in their 30s still live at home. Single, no kids etc.
A handful have new partners but nobody is settled down.
I’m the only one with a child.

Personally I used to have the big conversations about how you want your future to look on first dates.

I knew I wanted to get married, have loads of kids and be a SAHM. There was no point wasting mine, or their time, if our goals weren’t aligned.

Don’t be afraid of scaring people off. If they aren’t interested in building a future with you then it’s better to call time on it sooner rather than later, especially at your (our) age, as you need to consider your fertility if you want kids.

I would say it depends how long your (and his) "honeymoon period" is.

Because the chemicals swirling round a brain when you are in the new relationship phase with someone seriously impair your (& everyone's) judgement.
You want to be sure that you're well out of the oxytocin-induced "in love" phase, and into the more rational "enduring love" phase before making long term decisions. You want to see all sides of him, who he is under pressure, when he's no longer trying to make a good impression, when he gets stressed and angry etc - and decide if you want to live with those aspects of him as well.

For me, the honeymoon phase typically lasts around 18 months, so I won't make any long term relationship decisions until I've been with someone at least 2 years.

I'll live with them from around the 1 year mark, because I maintain my financial independence and can just as easily move out again, so it's good to see what they're like to live with.

But long term decisions like marriage, children etc - sure, have the discussions from now so you know you're on the right page, but I'd give it at least 2 years so you know him really well - this is the whole rest of your life, and the father of your children, it's a really important decision!

I’d bring it up. If you want children then you cannot really afford to let a relationship drag out that won’t lead to trying for them to have to start all over again.

As an adult it shouldn’t be that bad of a conversation everyone should know what they ideally want at this stage and around when they hope it will happen. Don’t let a future faker ruin your wanted future.

I do admit however I’m in a social circle where we did all basically get engaged as teens / early 20’s within months of meeting our partners now all married with children.

If you want kids, you need to have that conversation now and move on if the answers no. You’re 34 so haven’t got much time left, you don’t have time to wait a year or two more really.

I played the "chill girl" in not pushing the topic and was strung along and lied to for 9 years. Oh sure he wanted to live together and get married some day.. We got that far in talking about it.. But that some day never came, and he eventually admitted he didn't know when he'd be ready after those 9 years.

That's what taught me I need to bloody talk about it. No point allowing yourself to be strung along. If he's not mature enough to realise these things need to be discussed, he's probably not for you.

My fiance was very blunt about what he wanted, which was a breath of fresh air. Proposed to me after... A year and a half, I think? No games at any point. No wondering. He made it very clear he was committed to me and looking to progress our relationship all being well.

After proposing, he admitted to me he knew he would end up asking me to marry him about 2 weeks after we met, assuming I continued to want to be with him - and told his parents about me at the 2 week mark and about how he felt to ask their advice, to which his father revealed to him he felt the same about my partners mother after just a couple of weeks too (who have been married 35 years so far).

I've always heard that men do just know who they want, very quickly. Even if they're not ready for it right then, they know when it's a women they'll want to marry. They won't skirt the issue or mess around women they know they want. After hearing my partners experience, and experiencing previous partners stalling then ended up as nothing, I now think there might be some truth to it.

Or look at it from another point of view.
You are young, free and you own a flat, although a small one, but presumably alright for yourself.
Think before you make a choice, because by marriage and especially children you end up sacrificing all you have, including yourself, to other people.
At your age, I was married but no children, marriage made my already good life better still.
No regrets at 46!
😊

Just talk to him. If he wants children too he must realise you’re on a timeline. If he doesn’t, move on.

I thought it was standard to have these conversations in the first few dates? Otherwise you might waste years only to find out you have completely different life goals. Especially when you're in your thirties and want children.

I'd bring it up now.

I don't understand all this pfaffinf around and *not being allowed to ask questions on your mind until after a certain length of time lest you seen eager to... figure out your compatibility? Build a life together, maybe?

We were both very clear what we wanted from the beginning (age 21 and 27). Not to have a kid right now, but to have a family (of more than two) eventually. Wouldn't have bothered with him otherwise even at that age. As it was, we tried to have a kid at 25 and then ran into fertility issues.

I think this is spot on.

So you know he wants kids marriage etc , so this would be more of a where is this going chat. I'd say around a year when you are in your thirties is fine. You need to no if he is on the same page as you. I'd see how the next few months go as your relationship develops, look out for red flags and if you are confident you want a future with him have the conversation

I agree with others in that it would be a good idea to broach the topic of marriage/kids etc just in a light way, just to see if your ideas for the future are actually aligned if nothing else. But I’d hold off on anything heavy and “timeline” wise, 7 months really isn’t very long and kids especially are the longest kind of commitment there is, it’s not something to rush into.

To offer another perspective, though I know it’s not common on here, I do think it’s possible without it being a “future faking” thing to know you want something but not want it right here right now. I’ve been that person in my own relationship especially with children. My husband & I always agreed we wanted children, we had agreed our plans and agreed when we’d start trying, I was absolutely on board- until everything else was done and it came time to try. I realised I wasn’t ready, I needed more time, I had never felt like that before. In all our planning I’d been excited, counting down the steps and months until we could start trying to conceive, and when the month came I just couldn’t do it, I wasn’t ready. I still wanted children, I had never lied, I just truly never knew how I was going to feel until it was time. We put that on pause and then decided to try again once I did feel ready, now have a 10 month old daughter.

Wanting something but not wanting it right now isn’t always a red flag, and wanting something as an abstract future idea & then being faced with the reality of it can be two different things, it doesn’t always mean someone has lied or been strung along.

If I was you I’d be thinking about what is most important to me, a strong relationship and then if children follow then great, or is having a child more important?