Will try to keep short-ish. I am no longer speaking to a family member. Her husband abused me as a teen and although she split with him, she did many things that have messed me up. She used to let him come round to see their kids when I was there (after the abuse was known), made me feel bad about spending less time with her and kids as I got older and I felt less comfortable, and then never told her kids anything that happened. So her kids always grew up thinking our side of the family didn't care about them at times as we couldn't be in the same room as my abuser and didn't see them as often as other family members. I had to lie about why I couldn't go to events as the abuser and his enabler family would be there.
I finally had enough a few years ago and had to tell her that she had to tell her kids some of the truth and stop making us lie (not the entire truth just stop making us out to be the bad guys) or I couldnt do it anymore. I did this very politely too. She decided to block me on all forms of contact and never spoken to me since. She stopped speaking to most of the family initially but gradually has wormed her way back in as they all just tolerate her behaviour. Anyway I now have no relationship with her or her kids which makes me very sad. I feel I cannot try to make amends without throwing away all self respect?
She used to let all my younger family around this person with no supervision, knowing what he was capable of and I had no ability to stop it as everyone in my family went along, I spent most of my teens wondering if he had actually even done anything to me as I couldn't understand why no one seemed to care/do anything. I do know that she was also probably a victim but as the primary victim, I feel she made the damage much worse. I don't know what to do - I worry I may regret never trying to fix things but also feel I'd be hurting myself if I do?