To be fed up with DH for not admitting it's hard to commute 1 1/2 hours every day and be the breadwinner?

[MrsSchadenfreude]

I leave the house at 7 every morning and don't usually get in until 7 at night. He works two minutes from where we live and drops the children off at school and picks them up from the after schoolclub.

He can't understand why I am so tired all the time - "FFS, all you do is sit on a train and then sit at a desk and push a few bits of paper around - what can be so tiring about that?" - and gets cross when I refuse to cook dinner when I get in.

My friend's husband sleeps on his commute into London, if he gets a seat. I'd quite like an extra 15 hours a week sleep!

And if you do work, you obviously do not commute.

And my dh is grateful that I bring in as much money as I do. Thankfully, we can manage without it once my contract ends in November but he does massively acknowledge my contribution. As I acknowledge his. - I couldn't do the job/commute I do without his doing the childcare etc (he works ft oth too).

and i have certainly never slept on a commute

sorry if my commute isn't as bad as yours girls but i sat in traffic on the M25 for four hours in total on Thursday and that was far worse then being on the train. And it is me-time if you do something you dno't normally get time to do, for me it's reading. Sorry!

And yes it does get really hot and yes people stink. I just think refusing to cook dinner and blaming the commute on the way your DH is weird.

I don't think ReallyTired is that wrong actually.

I do a 90 minute commute, am out at 6.30am and back at 7pm every day and it is gruelling but it sounds like MrsS is feeling a bit crap over all and the work thing is the focus though maybe not the cause?

Just read your OP again. I didn't remember the bit about the FFS all you do is sit on a train and a desk etc. I'd tell him to fuck off anyway just for saying that.

oh kbear, the car is far better believe me. You need to go on a suburban train where it is so crowded, you can't actually get a book out.

Actually - I do count dh's 1h20 minutes each way commute as "me time", but then he does travel first class (is that an option MrsS - it does make such a difference) and rather than his commute being the hell you all describe, it's a 10 minute walk through leafy village streets to train station, get a seat in a carriage that is practicaly empty for 3/4 of the journey, fall asleep for 45 minutes, wake up, drink smoothie from pile that magically appear in the fridge, eat homemade muffin lovingly made by yours truly, get off train, walk 1 minute to coffee stall, buy vente latte, walk 1.5 minutes further to office.

On the way home he tends to stay awake and read the newspaper, but again, always has a seta, and usually a carriage to himself after the first 30 minutes. So I don't see anything wrong in getting him to take over with kids bath and bed when he walks in (on the 3 week nights he actually comes home)

fox - I get on a suburban train every day.

I think this thread isn't about the commute, it's about the OP working harder than her DH and resenting it.

not my one obviously

anyway, this competitive worstness is silly really

some people hate crowded train commuting, some people don't mind.

I drive my commute at the moment. At the moment I'm also studying for some exams so would prefer the train so I could read my notes.

Know what the OP means though as my ex did a manual job & couldn't see how sitting at a computer could possibly be tiring.

Surely it's time someone made teleporting possible?

My DH drives to work, a hellish journey I wouldn't swap with him, to wear safety clothes in high temperatures in a potentially hazardous environment. My job is a breeze compared to his. The bottom line is we both contribute to the family, we don't have a breadwinner, we both earn the bread.

BreeVanderCampLGJ,

I work 37 hours a week and my husband works full time. I leave early in the morning and pick my son up from after school club. I drive about 20 minutes to work, but that is the job I chose. My husband has 30 minute drive to work, but works longer hours than me. He leaves for work at 9am and gets back at 7pm.

Generally my husband gets my son ready for school and then I pick him up from after school club, make dinner, bath and put him ready for bed. My husband also helps around the house quite a bit.

Rather than thinking about the commute, its fairer to think about the length of day someone has been working. The OP husband is not a stay at home parent. He works full time as well as doing child care. He gets no respite with the kids at school. The length of his day is 7 to 7 as well, or prehaps longer if he has to put kids to bed.

i agree RT,
I had answered you thinking that the OP's DH was at home, but he was at work and then home to look after DCs which is hard.
Tired DCs, stroppy bedtime routine
Difficult time really
maybe they need to cut each other some slack, think laterally about ways in which to sort out an evening meal

You need a cleaner btw

we don't argue about chores because we don't really have to do them in the week but bloody HELL we would if we weren't paying someone else to do it

We shop online

All bills are paid by dd

All paperwork is filed asap (filing cab thing)

M&S Ready meals when we need to or take away

We have quick meals that take less than 20 mins

All these things make it bearable, just about.

But I realise I can see an end in sight and you can't. Have you asked about 1 day from home and reduced hours?

I have a similar commute, again my choice.

However my DH commutes 1.5 hours a day each way, thankfully to a job he loves. To this end, I ask nothing of him when he comes in in the evening.

We both work really well together in the morning, but in the evening he takes DS up to bed, reads a story and collapses. That is OK with me, and do you know why, because commuting is fecking hard.

I used to do an 1 1/2 hours on the train and it was very hard. I love that I don't do that anymore (although the money sure was nice). DH still does that commute though and comes home to dinner on the table these days. That said, he enjoys reading and napping on the commute and most days I don't get a minute to myself.

I do an hour and 50 drive to work and have just given my-notice in

am tired ALL the time

I don't think it's about the commute though - his comment shows that he doesn'tactually value anything you do during your 12 hour day. But I doubt very much that that is true either - it sounds very much like the sort of thing a stressed out person would say if he didn't feel properly appreciated either - do you think you could possibly rise above it, get the kids in bed and sit down and sympathise with each other about how difficult both your lives are on a practical level and any solutions you can come up with?

IMO with 2 WOHM parents (I can still remember those days) a cleaner is essential, as is bulk cooking at the weekend (together, with wine and chat) so you have easy stuff to eat in the week (or buy ready meals). Could you have a regular Friday night takeaway so there is no pressure on anybody to cook at least one night?

I would be extremely irritated with his comments belittling your job and circumstances - but he probably feels exhausted dealing with the the tired / hyped / hungry kids every day straight from his work. he probably (completely unreasonably) sees himself doing 2 jobs - woh and childcare - to your one.

2 full-time WOH jobs in one family seem to undermine anyone's ability to be reasonable. IMO. Does he generally cook - or do you share it, or get ready-meals / takeways?

I'd find my short commute much less stressful if

1. we weren't both doing it, leaving us a minimum of one hour away from the dcs by public transport during the day

2. it was reliable. SE Trains descends into chaos and anarchy at the slightest disruption. Trains are randomly half their advertised length/cancelled/re-routed. Staff are so poorly informed that they come across as surly and defensive because they often know little more than we do.

But I agree the length of the day is a major issue. Mine is normally 10 hours plus by the time I am back with the children

WWW speaketh sense on this one, as ever

We don't file papers or have a cleaner
We do eat quick from-scratch meals and argue about chores

And critically, MrsS, we box and cox so we both share the varied thrills of either jackbooting the dcs out the door at 7.50am, tonsils raw and bleeding from barking orders, or picking two crabby little urchins up from school/club and "enjoying" Mister Maker with dd while ds flicks ink over his homework, all the while cooking dinner and wrestling with the world's crappest dishwasher
What's my drudgery hell is dh's drudgery hell and vice versa

yes I agree actually. With both of us WOH, without the nanny, we fall apart. She keeps us all together in many ways because although she doesn't clean, the house is pretty organised when we come back (and it wouldn't be if either of us had anything to do with it ).

I think you do need to share out the cooking otherwise you get back every night at 7, spend a bit of time with the kids, then end up cooking for a bit and you hardly have ANY time to yourself before you need to go to bed to be able to get up at 6 and then you feel like you're on a treadmill all the time and that's a shit feeling.