Confused & in so deep.

[EmilieB91]

Hi, I signed up because I really need some help and advice. I am in a relationship that has its tentacles so far in me I am struggling to know what is what.
We met online & he’s quite a lot older. Damn, I don’t even know how to make this make sense. Initially I couldn’t believe I’d met someone as great as him. This changed when he went through a period of being verbally unpleasant & showing me a side which shocked me.
I sound such a simp here. I see how it reads. We have been conducting this LDR for a year & he met some of my folks & I met his friends but not family. We always do air BnB & I end up footing the bill. I have noticed I pay for the majority of stuff & when the bill comes it’s passed to me or at a hotel charged to my room. So much for the romantic lunch- I paid.
That isn’t the really biggie here. I own my own company so stick it on the business account. He also is part of a large family business so it isn’t about money.
The big deal is about something we went through in January. I was pregnant & due to a health condition it put my health at risk. I was not producing a certain protein etc. He didn’t want it & put pressure on me to abort when I was too far gone than comfortable to do it. I did. Paid up & did that one as well by myself. Fortunately my dad stepped in with my business to let me get better. I didn’t detail everything to my dad because he’d hit the roof with my partner but I have post natal depression. Seems ironic. I am finding it really difficult & my partner knows this & hasn’t exactly been mega supportive where needed. He accused me of never asking about his grief which left him struggling with sexual intimacy. I felt like he’s withholding that from me & makes me feel bad over it.
Anyway spent time a week ago together & I had to get the train back up home. Weirdly he wasn’t keen on spending the weekend with me & I sort of had a meltdown when he left me & sent him messages to explain I’m in a bad way & help. Nothing. Busy at work. I swear to god I stood there frightened, far from anyone or anything & in a right mess. I sat at that station in the middle of nowhere for hours. He still doesn’t know if I’m home safe. He went to bed ok about it. I’m not asking much I don’t reckon. Post natal depression has really affected me & it can be serious. He knows it & literally left me in that situation in a terrible mess. I still haven’t contacted him tbf he hasn’t me.
Knowing someone you love is mentally struggling then why add more crap to it. I am lost in it all because I can’t trust my own judgment. Am I making too much of it? I can’t figure it out. Then it doesn’t stack up with how sweet he can be & telling me he loves me & wants to settle down & live together.
Things Stick in my head. Hasn’t seen me for ages & huge lack
of intimacy. He turns over & goes sleep. Sometimes I thought there was someone else but he says his self esteem is low but won’t open up. Sometimes it’s like there’s part of the story missing or he’s using me as a cash cow. One thing says one thing at & then I’m pulled in another. He also says some very blunt cold things. Like he said our baby is gone & to accept it. Also should’ve never happened.
I’m so far in that I don’t know what to do. I’m 33 & he’s 47. He already has a previous family although he makes out his ex is horrendous. Sometimes it’s like he’s toxic but then the complete opposite. Sometimes lost 😞
Thanks for reading this mumble.

If he was toxic all the time, you wouldn’t stay. So he holds it together just long enough to suck you back in again. Then he shows his true colours. On repeat.

Leave. As soon as you can.
If you stay how is your life going to pan out?

At the moment you are lonely in a relationship. You will be better off alone, able to invest in other friendships and relationships. You really need to focus on you. You have been through something traumatic.
Lean into your dad. Get better on your own, without him dragging you down. He’s sucking your energy.

He doesn’t love you. You don’t sound well mentally so ask for help from your family and friends that do love you. Dump your bf. I suspect your pnd is just plain depression and mental ill health due in part to terminating a pregnancy but also because you are in a dysfunctional relationship and you need therapy to understand why you have let that happen and you really need to get out of it and build your self worth and esteem. Good luck

Feels that way. I see glimpses of this other side like being off with service staff or comments like if everyone just would
do as he said or seeing everyone else as stupid. I can’t even mention his child’s name without him flying off the handle. It is like they’re sacred & oh yeah….I didn’t deserve to have his kid or something else similar

Hi OP

You have my sincere sympathy on the loss of your child.

I am so sorry for what you are going through; I know what it’s like because I supported someone through a very similar relationship - in fact, you could be describing the man involved.

You have been taken over by a man who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

These men are very, very clever at manipulation and making you doubt yourself because that’s how they like it -they need to be in control of you.

It can be very difficult to spot the behaviour too, because you’re a “normal” person I.e. you take most people at face value and don’t have an agenda yourself.

Narcissists are always wearing a “mask” and it is not often you will see the real person underneath; only when they feel they have enough control of you will they let the mask slip, in the knowledge that they can charm/gaslight/bully you into believing that what you saw of their real selves wasn’t what you saw.

Please, please, please get professional help. You need a psychologist who specialises in recovery from this type of relationship, who will unpick his behaviours with you until you understand the actual dynamics of the relationship and the loss of will/power that results from it. Your psychologist may well use EMDR as a tool.

You can find a registered psychologist via the BACP website.

I wish you all the very best.

I got completely rinsed by a similar snake,
looking back paid for everything ( I own my own company)
total shit show sounds like you have found yourself under the spell of a narcissist.
get rid now, I stuck it out for the sake of child
so wish I hadn’t, the emotional damage narcissistic man has on a child is huge.
RUN Now

I'm sorry OP but this man doesn't love you, whatever he says. I'm not sure he even likes you. He's faking it and using you.

Dump him and find someone who genuinely cares for you.

@SerenStarEtoile thank you so much for commenting. And your kindness too. 💗 EMDR!! Yes I am looking at this & the reviews are really good in terms of recovery.
I don’t mind admitting I’m a mess:( He really
had hurt me & what I have experienced is so much more than the quick details in my post. I know deep down what it is. Oh and he is probably cheating & lies like he breathes air. I know because of the pnd it’s harder to be level & rational & extract myself from this. Funny how they make you think they are you are the loves of each others life. Got to say it has left me broken & delicate. That’s why I posted here. I was sat feeling the pain & weight of it but no one to talk to & feel ashamed.

This sounds exhausting....are there any positives to this relationship...it sounds horrible

@EmilieB91

You’ve taken the hardest step in recognising the toxicity of the relationship and getting out.

People will say, “Oh he/she’s a narcissist” - I did myself. But it’s not until you come up against someone with full-blown PND, who has had years in which to practise that you really understand the level of
damage these people can do.

If you’re in Wales, DM me for a good psychologist.

Look after yourself. You must be a strong person to have got out, and this will help you going forward.

It shouldn’t be this much hard work, especially not after a year. He sounds awful to be honest. Get rid of him and get yourself some counselling. You’ve been through a lot and it sounds like your confidence is at rock bottom. You are not crazy, he is an arsehole and you are having a perfectly rational reaction to that.

@EmilieB91

Re-reading your post, not sure if you’re out of the relationship or not.

If you are still in contact, block and go.

@EmilieB91

Re-reading your post, not sure if you’re out of the relationship or not.

You cannot live successfully in a relationship such as this. You are in danger of losing autonomy.

You need to sever all communication and never have any further dealings with him.

If you haven’t left, just pick up your keys or walk out. Just go.

@SerenStarEtoile we don’t live together but I am moving away so he can’t find me.

Good for you.

You may want to also take legal advice, because with his behaviour being way over the threshold for co-ercive control, there may be other things that can be done if it means you can stay close to family/friends.

Please make a doctor’s appointment and ask for help with your PND and explain your meltdowns and everything.

Good luck, OP.

Op I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

I think that you already know the answers to the questions you're asking or you wouldn't be posting here.

End it. Block. Move on.

A loving relationship shouldn't hurt this way.

33 - you have so much ahead of you.

Don't waste anymore time on this person who clearly doesn't care one jot about you.