To feel like I don’t matter in all this?

[Allornothing9]

Background, I have been with DH for 12 years. We have an almost 3yo DD.

DH has always suffered with anxiety and is on propanol, which helps for the most part. Except over the last 6 months it’s got gradually worse. To the point where he works every hour under the sun as he’s worried he’s not doing a good enough job. Unfortunately this means I’ve taken on the lions share of housework, childcare etc. We both work full time but I WFH so do all drop offs/pick ups/sick days. He works as a retail manager so nothing life or death, but he feels as though it is.

I have supported this as long as I could, except now on his rare days off he complains that DD is exhausting etc and can’t wait til she goes to sleep so he can sit and scroll. He is present when he’s with her, but I now feel like I have to be the primary parent all the time so she doesn’t push him over the edge.

He refuses to get help further help for this anxiety, despite the fact it’s clearly for worse, won’t speak to anyone even though his mum texts me on a regular basis asking if he’s ok/am I looking after him etc. I’m on my knees. I’m working full time, studying for an MBA, looking after DD and doing the house work. She never asks if I’m okay and I feel like I’m responsible for keeping him going.

AIBU to think that yes he is clearly struggling with his mental health, but it’s on him to seek help and he shouldn’t use it as an excuse to not pull his weight? He says he isn’t depressed, he’s just so overwhelmed with work that he can’t give anything to us. I have encouraged him to get a new job but he says it won’t help and he would feel this way in any job. Tbh I feel like being a single parent would be easier at this point.

Your last paragraph is the key information, have you said this too him? In those hard hitting words.

If you have then it's time to decide your next step, is that your next step?

@toomuchfaff yes it came to a head last night after we had spent the day with MIL and she was texting me saying she’s still so worried about him. I just said I felt like his carer not his wife. He said he realises that things aren’t great but he needs support at the moment.. I don’t even know what more support I can give. In the back of my head I think if he won’t help himself, what future is there for us. I also think if I left, would he do something stupid.

YANBU - I appreciate he has anxiety and he cannot help that. However, he can help his response to it and it isn't a reason to check out of doing anything at home.

His mum probably isn't intending to be awful to you - she is probably just worried and expressing it poorly. Can she speak to her son about going back to the doctor?

Ultimately, he needs to speak to his GP/whoever supports him with the anxiety as it sounds like the current medication isn't enough. He will also burn out if he continues the same way.

It's hard to know what to suggest though if he won't visit the doctor. Can you call in the surgery, explain his current issues and tell them you are extremely worried about him? They may then be able to help/suggest what to do.

You need to have a conversation and lay it on the line. He cuts back on work, gets help and participates as part of the family or he's on his own.

Thanks everyone. The frustrating part is he knows he gives too much to work. He says he can’t switch off the part of his brain that worries about it. I struggle to empathise as when DD came along, suddenly work went to the bottom of my priority pile.

Good suggestion re me speaking to our GP. I wasn’t sure I could do that.

No.

When someone needs support, it's a 2 way thing. They are trying, they are recovering etc. It's not just a enable me to continue in the efforts that have been proven to not work.

I'd be happy to support, but What are you doing to make changes, What are your goals?

No new job, no new actions.. what are YOU doing while I support you and this family.

Can he go and stay with his mum for a while to give you a break? She can look after him to her heart's content and you get the mental space to make some decisions.

You have such a lot going on, you are doing a brilliant job trying to balance it all.

I think you need to be very clear you have been supporting him for ‘x amount of time’ - nothing has changed. You cannot keep supporting someone who will not seek help and cannot see that they are just continuing to do the same thing.

I think you need to spell out what you have said here:

• he needs to get further support/ help
• he needs to realise you cannot give him more support than you are
• that you need support too
• you are effectively a single parent
• ask him what actions is he actually taking to change?

If you feel strong enough it maybe time to say because my well being is suffering- I expect you to get help, as I cannot carry on like this and nor can our marriage - and put a timeframe around it if needed.

He doesn’t need more support he needs clarity that he is pushing your relationship and your health to breaking point.

If he does harm himself he has made a choice, everyone has a choice in how they respond to situations. There are many agencies and charities that can help and listen - especially when things are tough. He is an adult with capacity, who needs to realise his ill health and subsequent behaviour has damaged his relationship with you and his DD.

Please take care of yourself x

He needs the support but so do you. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

He’s failing you and your child as a husband and father detaching himself from the family.

He puts everything on your shoulders including his mother(as if you didn’t have enough to carry).

Either he seeks help or you’re on the way to become a single parent and suffer burn out.

He’s selfish and so is his mother. Look after your own interest OP seeing as they are great at looking after theirs.

All take,take,take. They want their needs to be fulfilled by you while leaving you with nothing

Thank you everyone. I think I finally snapped last night and realised this is no way to live. He has messaged me today at work to say he’s sorry and he wants to do something about it.

Lets see what that transpires into..

AIBU to think that yes he is clearly struggling with his mental health, but it’s on him to seek help and he shouldn’t use it as an excuse to not pull his weight?

It isn't an 'excuse' it is a reason. He needs to address the reason but using the word 'excuse' is loaded and unhelpful - and I mean unhelpful to both of you. It implies it is a choice, rather than just a cause. Unfortunately MH issues can make people very resistant to getting help, this can lead to a downward spiral.

I think if his MH is so bad that he is unable to contribute to family life in a way that is acceptable to both of you, and he refuses to access any additional help, it is OK for you to consider whether separate homes would be healthier and more stable.

This.
let him to go his mums and you can make decisions then about if you want him to back. You both need space to get your future sorted.

I agree with this post.

I think a lot of us here finally bit the LTB bullet when we realised that we would be a lot better off as single parents.

Your DH is dragging you down with him.