Autistic DH and no sympathy

[Dolliebobs]

Honestly the last couple have days have made me realise that I’m not sure how much longer I can do this.

DH is diagnosed autistic. He struggles with sympathy or compassion.

Hes been poorly the last week with the flu, now I will say he is never ill and I’m bloody glad. He’s been milking it and has taken today off work

yesterday I woke up with horrific diarrhoea and stomach cramping. It eased off but by 4pm I had an intense pain right under my ribs. I couldn’t stand up, I was sweating and I genuinely thought my gallbladder was going to burst or something. I was sobbing and could barely breathe as I was panicking. He didn’t even come downstairs to see if I was ok, even though I texted him to help me.

he finally did but didn’t seem that bothered. I rang 111 and they put me on a callback list. The pain was horrible but I manage to lie down on my left side and after a few hours it passed. My stomach has been so sore and sensitive since. Iv been unwell over night.

woke up this morning and I asked him how he’s feeling and he replied “ill but obviously not as bad as you” in a sarky tone. I told him to piss off and obviously now I’m the bad one.

honestly I’m so fed up with the lack of empathy from him.

Years ago before everyone was tested and diagnosed as XYZ, people naturally migrated away from people who were sarcastic and not empathetic because they didn't like the person. Now it's all "oh maybe he's XYZ" as though that excuses your poor treatment and you should just allow it because it's not their fault.

No, You set your own boundaries for what treatment you are willing to accept. If you want empathy, he's not your guy.

Sorry you're ill, OP. No, I couldn't be married to someone without sympathy or compassion. Presumably he's been like this all along though?

So you say he was milking it when ill and now don’t like it when he’s as dismissive as you, If you want more empathy show a bit more yourself.

I thought this too.

I'm torn on this one. Yes, sympathy is nice, but presumably you already knew that it wasn't something he was particularly good at? It's up to you to decide if his other positive features make up for this or not, because you're not going to change him. At best he could learn to fake sympathy, but that's not really better than no sympathy imho.
I hope you both feel better soon.

I'm sorry that you have been feeling so unwell and in so much pain.

With regard to your DH, you are not unreasonable to want compassion. In your situation I might understand the lack of verbal sympathy as it seems like this is just his style of communicating and probably not meant maliciously (of course that doesn't mean you're wrong to be upset by it, but it does occur to me that you did choose this man and presumably have known for a long time that this is the way he speaks. He might be able to change but then again he might not).

A bigger issue for me is the lack of practical support. You texted him for help and he didn't respond. Unless he had a very good reason - was fast asleep or very unwell himself - I would be very upset at a refusal to respond to a request I made of my DH, and it does not bode well for if you needed him in an emergency (which by the sounds of it this might have been!).

Being autistic doesn't mean someone does not have compassion. It certainly doesn't mean they can't respond to direct requests for help. Autism might explain aspects of your DH's communication style and perhaps him not noticing your emotions / the extent of your distress at times... but once he's been directly told you are in pain and need help, I don't see how being autistic can be used as an excuse.

Sounds like you were milking it

A bigger issue for me is the lack of practical support. You texted him for help and he didn't respond. Unless he had a very good reason - was fast asleep or very unwell himself

He was in bed with flu, and OP said he did go down just not in the time frame she wanted.

This!

This sounds like a pot calling kettle black type of situation.

Neither of you are exhibiting empathy TBH. Do you have kids? What’s keeping you there? In what way are you a team / good for each other?

Sounds like you're both lacking in empathy. He's got the flu, you've got a stomach virus - but you think he's milking it and that he should get up and come and see you. He's obviously feeling really bad now if he's eventually decided he needed to take a day off - give him a break.

If you want to split up though you can do that for any spurious reason you like, maybe you'd both be better off.