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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Take my ex to court

30 replies

Mummaonherown · 21/02/2025 21:19

You guys have been amazing, my friends views are always “one sided” so I look to you for advice.
Long story short
Ex and I spilt last year, briefly got back together but he cheated again
He now has a new gf met in oct/nov madly in love, she’s met my son (2 months in) he’s calling her “mum” (this has now been corrrected)
Ex still tells me he loves me, tries it with me all the time and has been sending sexual messages which I’ve ignored
Last week she went through his phone found messages he sent to me, his phone is now broke so I can’t reach him but he was supposed to collect son on Wednesday from nursery, he told me he couldn’t as he had no money to get here, his mum then told me he had gone to meet gf.
He was supposed to collect son again tonight from nursery for an overnight stay at his mums he didn’t turn up, no call nothing - his mum doesn’t know where he is.
He has been bad in the past with letting my son down, says one thing and does the opposite and I can’t help but think because of her findings she may have a influence of him being around me/son
I previously wanted to take this to court a year or so back as he was really bad with letting us down and I was at the end of my tether with him.
He hasn’t paid for his son since 6th December- claiming benefits when working and not declaring income, child maintenance won’t touch him until he’s off benefits (fraud he is taking over 3k a month from work and benefits at least) he’s a bricklayer so earns well rent minimal (he lied to get a council flat)
AIBU for asking him to go court for access now and get some structure in our lives. My plans are always cancelled due to him not doing what we agreed.
ive tried medation he’s not enagaing

OP posts:

Organisedwannabe · 22/02/2025 05:36

Pointless. A court order won’t make him look after his child.

CMS will make him pay £5 a week, claim it.

JollyGreenSleeves · 22/02/2025 05:44

Agree with previous poster.
Just accept the situation for what it is- he is unlikely to change any time soon.

Vatsallfolks · 22/02/2025 05:56

Sadly a court order is a one way street. It will only require the parent with whom the child lives to make that child available to the non resident parent. At times specified in the order.

There is no court order that compels the non resident parent to turn up at those times.

Original poster

Mummaonherown · 22/02/2025 08:18

@Organisedwannabe CMS won’t touch him. He was genuinely out of work between aug-oct last year, I was the idiot who helped him get UC set up. He got an advance loan which he pays an amount back a month from his benefits. He went back to work on 17th October and told me he had come off benefits, the man earns 700 a week after tax (CIS) so there is no way he’s entitled to any UC money he’s not declaring his income.
Because of the advance loan CMS said they can’t take any money off of him, so now it’s a waiting game of benefit fraud office catching up to him or he having a heart and coming off of benefits and CMS getting what I deserve.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummaonherown · 22/02/2025 08:19

@JollyGreenSleeves so do I just leave it, go on with my life not bother to contact him? Or so I continue to arrange contact and he does what he wants?

OP posts:

OhamIreally · 22/02/2025 08:52

Mummaonherown · 22/02/2025 08:19

@JollyGreenSleeves so do I just leave it, go on with my life not bother to contact him? Or so I continue to arrange contact and he does what he wants?

I would do the former. Get on with your life, build support structures, give your child a good life and leave your ex's chaos behind you.

Original poster

Mummaonherown · 22/02/2025 09:03

@OhamIreally I don’t really have any choice. I’m not going to contact his mum/leave a message for him. If he wanted to see his son he would. It’s just very very sad.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 22/02/2025 09:10

Only thing here IME is that a CAO helps with things like going on holiday, assuming he is on the birth certificate etc

toomuchfaff · 22/02/2025 09:11

Organisedwannabe · 22/02/2025 05:36

Pointless. A court order won’t make him look after his child.

CMS will make him pay £5 a week, claim it.

Sadly, this.

He's a waster, a deadbeat, a liar and a cheat, he's told you (by his actions) that his child isn't his priority. Listen too him and act accordingly. Don't expect anything from him, don't be annoyed when he doesn't deliver anything he promised - you now know what he is.

It is very sad, but you can't change him, you aren't responsible for him, don't get stressed because he doesn't act how you expect him to act. Now you have to be the sole parent, guardian, protector, provider, advocate and all those other things that he is not.

If anything this teaches you a life lesson, Don't procreate with another, learn to recognise them and stay away.

jeaux90 · 22/02/2025 09:23

And yes, drop the rope. Get on with your life but worth getting a CAO in place so you don't have to get permission to leave for holidays etc

Original poster

Mummaonherown · 22/02/2025 09:38

@jeaux90 that’s one of the reasons I want to go to court, I have a friends wedding in Dublin in April I wanted to take my son, he refused to sign the letter I printed out for him - thought I was taking him away with another man.

He told my son when he last saw him on Sunday that he was taking him swimming and he was going to stay over this weekend and see the puppy at nanny’s, my son has asked a few times “where’s daddy, I want to see puppy”
Im dropping the rope, matter of fact it’s burnt

OP posts:

toomuchfaff · 22/02/2025 09:39

jeaux90 · 22/02/2025 09:23

And yes, drop the rope. Get on with your life but worth getting a CAO in place so you don't have to get permission to leave for holidays etc

I was trying to remember this video i had seen, drop the rope! Exactly!

TinyMouseTheatre · 22/02/2025 09:42

Why have you started more than one thread with the same question?

crockofshite · 22/02/2025 10:00

TinyMouseTheatre · 22/02/2025 09:42

Why have you started more than one thread with the same question?

The other thread was about the child calling the new girlfriend mum.

Different topic

TinyMouseTheatre · 22/02/2025 10:02

The other thread was about the child calling the new girlfriend mum.

Different topic

I'm sure I've answered this exact question in another section this morning.

Burntt · 22/02/2025 10:32

As others have said a court order is pointless. The order is against the parent the child lives with- you will be required to have child available for contact even if he doesn't turnup. It will just make your life harder. CMS also work off the amount of court ordered contact not the amount of actual contact so if he gets one overnight a week or more you will get less CMS if/when they actually get money out of him.

It's a shit system.

In your position I would just get in with life assuming he's not involved. When his relationship ends and he swans back in start contact little amounts and build up as he will need to repair the relationship. You won't be able to block it as court won't care he's been absent they will say what's best for a child is father in their life. Just make sure you don't arrange for him to collect from nursery/school etc so if/when he doesn't turn up your poor child isn't left wondering why no one has collected them and you won't have your plans ruined by last minute phone calls from nursery to collect and the late fees added to your bill. Because if it's you who signed nursery contract it's you who is liable.

jeaux90 · 22/02/2025 10:59

Mummaonherown · 22/02/2025 09:38

Absolutely go see a solicitor and get the CAO in place so he has no control. Been here got the T shirt. That way there is no more negotiating.

lovemetomybones · 22/02/2025 11:17

Unfortunately courts can't force him to spend time with your son. They can suggest a pattern of care but if he doesn't stick to it there is nothing they can do.

CMS is different, you can request that his payment comes out of his wage direct to you before he is paid. But this costs him 20% more and you 4% less. But he can definitely be forced to pay this.

I would stop relying on him, you can't be worrying every time he is picking your child up whether he will do it or not. It's rubbish but you can't force someone to be a parent.

lovemetomybones · 22/02/2025 11:19

Oh but you can apply to the courts so you have 28 days order to take your son out of the country. I have this as part of my CAO and it's great, because I know I can take my daughter without any issues with the ex. This is much cheaper to get

Nowvoyager99 · 22/02/2025 11:23

You can’t legally enforce contact. It sounds like your son will be better off without his dad in his life. I think it’s quite pathetic to blame his new gf for this though.

I would do all I could to claim money, but aside from that I would just drop him.

Original poster

Mummaonherown · 25/02/2025 17:44

So I tried medation, he’s refusing to do it. Part of me thinks it’s a control thing. If we go down this route, it’s really for us and considering his recent actions I don’t think he wants that.
im just going to raise my son on my own and if he turns up on the days set then it’s a bonus but I have no expectations, therefore I can’t be disappointed.
Im drained, I really am and I’m heartbroken for my son.

OP posts:

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 25/02/2025 17:56

How reliable is his mum? Could you arrange for her to have him once a week/ once a fortnight and if your ex sees him at hers then he does, if not then it is his loss. That way you are regularly making him available but whether he turns up or not she sees ds and she can negotiate with your ex.

lovemetomybones · 25/02/2025 21:27

I'm so sorry op, it's such a horrible situation for both you and your son. X

When you have the time and energy though I still think it's worth getting the holidays finalised in court. It can I believe be separate from a CAO and can cost a lot less. I maybe wrong here but I also think if he doesn't want to engage in the process then it can still go ahead as long as he has been informed. Then you have the freedom to go abroad without involving him.

Imbusytodaysorry · 25/02/2025 21:56

@Mummaonherown id go to court to get the ok
from a judge to take your child on holiday and anything else you need to do. Get a lawyer to explain he is mainly absent and in reliable . So you need to be able to do these things or your son will miss out.

I wouldn’t let him turn up if and when .
Next time he lets your son down that’s it don’t go soft just block him and don’t listen to threats . He can take you to court for access

Original poster

Mummaonherown · 26/02/2025 12:03

@Unexpecteddrivinginstructor he takes our son to his mum's once a fortnight (Saturday to Sunday) but he doesn't always turn up to collect him, or his mum is sick so my son can't stay over so plans get cancelled. He has his own place but it's nowhere near ready for our son to stay over, that's why he takes him to his mum's.
Myself and his mother don't have a great relationship, she doesn't really help me, she ignores the majority of my messages.

OP posts:

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